Chocolate Pain: Tay Zonday Sucks Ass

It's no surprise that when YouTube pseudo-celebrity Tay Zonday was featured on Jimmy Kimmel's Show, the audience reaction was a little less than positive. Most of them looked confused, bewildered or non-plussed. That's exactly the reaction a normal person would have when subjected to the baritone stylings of some weird kid off of the Internet.

This is the problem with the Internet, its audience and its chosen idols. Internet heroes aren't chosen for their skill, good looks or positive effects on society. They get chosen because they're kinda weird but, in a maladjusted social reject's eyes, also totally awesome. That's Tay Zonday. A small black kid with a freakishly baritone voice.


"Give him a radio contract!" the Internet hordes shriek. "His voice is, like, really bass!" Sounding less like the odd-looking gnome he is and more like a Protoss Arbiter, Tay Zonday is basically a freak show turned celebrity, mostly due to the combined effort of the small ghetto's worth of similar freaks with far-less baritone voices who upvote his videos.

Forget the fact that he'd be eliminated on day one of American Idol for being an obviously shitty singer, or the fact that his stage presence is tantamount to someone you're videoconferencing with at the office. Forget that he's a crazy-eyed giant earphone-wearing virgin-looking kid with a psychotic expression. Thanks to the marvel of modern telecommunications, those qualities make you an Avatar of the Internet.

Oh, and you can thank Mr. Zonday for the eternal travesty that is Chocolate Rain, a grating and endlessly-remixed funeral dirge of talent.

In the end, Tay Zonday's creations are useful only for one thing: punishing Internet denizens for making him famous.

Bug (2006)

So the story is that this guy finds a parasite in his blood and they're eating him from the inside. First, he finds them hopping around on his bedsheets, then in his spit while he brushes his teeth. They're small, barely big enough to see, and they feed off your blood plasma, leaving lesions and sores all over the body in places where they've burrowed through the dermis and laid eggs. He studies the bugs under a microscope, testing and prodding his own body, all the while spreading the parasite to others.

To remove the bugs from his insides, he sprays himself with Raid, basks in UV light, and cuts himself to expunge the egg sacs. He pulls out teeth to remove colonies that have lodged underneath his tooth fillings and skins himself to pull out bugs that continually irritate his adipose.

Right...so let's see this bug. What does it look like? Like a nematode? Arthropod maybe? Well?

"It's right here! Can't you see it?"
noooo..............................I don't..........

Right, so basically, they never SHOW YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING BUG!!!11
All you see is two people going "AAHHH" and "AUUGH" as their bodies slowly get mutilated. Why? Because the parasites aren't real. They are completely imaginary.
Fuck this movie. Go look up Delusional Parasitosis on Google instead.

Rating: 40%
Example of a parasite
Another parasite

Time Warner Cable Hates Their $450

Man, look at that shitty stock. I'm no economist, but if I had to guess, perhaps what's eating into their profit margin is leaving $450 around wherever they go. How did I get this figure? I'll explain in 4 easy steps:

1. I move into a new apartment, TV signal is provided by Time Warner Cable.

2. When I move in, there is a cable box plugged into the wall, with cable locks at the cable connectors, preventing anyone from removing cable box or unscrewing it from the wall.

3. I plug in my TV to the cable box, and get no reception. I can access the channel guide, but there is no picture, just a big blue "NOT AUTHORIZED" sign.

4. With the only cable jack in the apartment locked in, there is no way to bypass the cable box. I call Time Warner Customer Service (big mistake).

After going through the maze of the automated customer service system, I finally get a rep to talk to. The following transcript is in no way altered from what really happened (I'm serious):

TWC Customer Service:
(Garbled voice)





Me:
Hello?






TWC Customer Service:

Buroshsdiwkghshhhsssccck........Weeelcome to Time Warner Cable can I interest you in one of our fine packages?



Me:
Uhh...I'm just having some trouble with my cable reception (I describe my situation).





TWC Customer Service:
(1 minute pause) Ohhhhh I see what's going on. The previous resident of that apartment moved out, and his cable box was deactivated.




Me:
So is there a way I can get it activated?






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, he forgot to return the cable box, those are $450 each.




Me:
......






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, $450. We'll need to pick that up.





Me:

Ok, but do I need a new box or anything?





TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, those boxes are $450. We need that back. You can just plug your TV directly into the wall.




Me:

Uhhhh, ok (we set up a time for them to pick up the box).






So the day finally arrives when the cable guy is supposed to come to my apartment, unlock the cable box from my wall, but HE NEVER SHOWS UP. So I'm sitting there pissed off thinking what a bitch it is going to be to call them up again, when I think about consulting the internet. Turns out, those fancy $450 cable boxes and their cable locks can be easily bypassed with toilet paper.


Bypassing Cable Locks - Click here for this week’s top video clips

I'm not going to admit to anything that incriminates myself, but let's just say this really works. And if Time Fucking Warner wants their $450 back, maybe I'm actually gone when they ring the doorbell, and maybe I'm not. Basically I don't give a shit except watching that stock fall.