Let's destroy the Internet.

Some of our best scientists from around the world, working in secrecy and corresponding over relatively outdated telegraph and carrier pigeon comm lines have come up with a plan that may save humanity. Populations are exploding, the environment is suffering and world health is in shambles. What can we do to destroy the underlying cause of all these problems?

Dive into the heart of the internet. And kill it.

Kill it with a virus, kill it by shutting off the infrastructure, kill it with denial of service attacks and through destruction of the telecom system. Either way, the internet as we know it will end.

But does it stop there?



No way! These same scientists are proposing we make an entirely NEW Internet, probably dubbed Internet 9.0 by this point, which sports a better infrastructure, a better-planned system of checks and balances and, more importantly, better control of how important information is relayed from the world-wide infoweb to your computing box.

What does this mean to you? Well, here's how things are probably going to be in the next 10-15 years while scientist and internet engineers create the new World Wide Web.



1. Porn will be strictly monitored and overseen by advanced supercomputers which document new porn sites and filter out those that do not comply with the newer, stricter internet porn standards. For example, granny porn and child porn will be filtered so that you don't get one while trying to search for the other.


2. All of your weblogs will be erased, as well as all the sites that support user-generated content. All of these sites, such as YouTube and Myspace, will be relayed to one, big site called www2.webspace.com, which is maintained by the Department of the Interior. You get to put all of the content you desire on a simple, bland text document and upload it for others to view. If you want to attach a .pdf or a .wav file to your new blog, you will find your net-taxes sharply raised.



3. What's a net-tax? Simple. How much you pay in taxes is based not only on your marital status and income, it's now based on how much stupid crap you put on the internet. Every movie clip you make of yourself acting like a retard in front of a webcam takes up valuable space on the New Internet, and the New Internet doesn't like to put up with your bullshit. Even if you're a loser who works at Chipotle to pay for his marijuana and internet habits, guess what? Now you're paying 80% of your minimum-wage to the Federal Government (the best kind) to help maintain the internet you so love and also to fight childhood obesity.



4. No internet phenomenons. The New Internet doesn't stand for that bullshit. Anything approaching the level of viral video or site is treated as a virus that the immune system of the New Internet must destroy as soon as possible. If the Tubgirl pic or All Your Base or Hamsterdance or Zombo.com you upload to the net starts getting attention and infecting other valuable citizens, it is automatically deleted and your internet will be terminated. You personally will also be treated as a diseased individual and you will find it hard to land a job that has any sort of background check.


5. Any online computer game that involves interacting with other individuals in an online fantasy environment will be strictly illegal. This basically means that South Korea will have to invent its own special Internet so that their economy doesn't collapse. Productivity of American workers will increase by about 16% as people whose lives would otherwise be wasted turn their attentions instead to either industry or suicide.


I am excited and enthralled at the possibilities of the New Internet, and therefore invite all of you to prepare for this second (or ninth) coming of the World Wide Web. This is some serious Noah's Flood shit going on and you better be ready to sink or swim.

An Inconvenient Truth(2006)

This acclaimed documentary is basically a video of professor Gore's lecture seminars interspersed with heartfelt stories of his youth. Throughout the movie, he presents some pretty strong evidence for greenhouse warming and does a comprehensive emotional appeal. Gore portrays himself as "The wise man staring longingly out the window". His failed legacy haunts him, whether touring on the road or flying over by aircraft, he would always contemplatively gaze through the glass, watching the world pass him by.


This verbose and charismatic Gore is in great contrast to the diet-coke drinking VP we once knew during the 90's who shunned the media and thus earned titles like "Senatorial Robot", "Statue" and "Vice President Boring". It seems to me like he spent the last 5 years reinventing himself with a new theme, stirring up liberal society for a chance to relive the glory of the Clinton era.

As for the concept of Global Warming, I'm still not buying it.

This is why. He shows a positive correlation between C02 levels and atmospheric temperature that is pretty solid, but that's all he shows. You could just as easily draw a correlation between population growth and temperature, implying with equivalent logic that human breathing or sewage causes global warming. The point is that the evidence is just a correlation.

Is the Decline of Piracy Causing Global Warming?


Many are quick to think the evidence as irrefutable, but that itself is a fallacy. The rising temperature statistics he presented are just circumstantial evidence suggesting that pollution=heat. It is neither causal nor predictive and ultimately ignores many ecological solutions to global warming that have been proposed in the last decade.
As an example of why cautious doubt is always scientifically prudent, think about the veracity of science conducted during Nazi Germany. Institutes of the Reich tried to prove fictitious racial ideology with anatomical traits and anthropological data. Theories on global warming should be subject to scrutiny that is equally vigilant lest we be swept away by cult following and counterproductive eco-mania.

Despite this recalcitrance, I actually concur with ecological cleanliness values and the call for pollution reduction. Most of all, I am okay with Al Gore as the face of environmental advocacy for the next administration and beyond.
Only if he comes up with better jokes tho.

Acting Talent: 75% Visual Stimulation: 80% Logic and Sense: 100% Adrenal Stimuation: 5% (melting ice) Enlightenment Award

Diary of a Mad Black Woman(2005)

"What are you doing in my closet! That's my *Joke about black pplz* x50 get out of my house."

I wasn't expecting much from this. Nor did I get much. The theme is supposedly about revenge and forgiveness and true love and bla bla bla bla bla whatever. This is the image I saw. SCRIPT Black Comedy 1 Black Comedy 2 Black Comedy 3 Black Comedy 4 Ghetto Joke Black people are bad at math Joke Latino Joke Ghetto Party END That’s it. Some people described how they were inspired by the emotion and how it brings up racial issues and sexual battles, but I didn't really pick up any of that. The whole thing was just so degenerate. Besides, what's so funny about being an asshole your whole life and then getting paralyzed and then humiliated by people that hated you? HAHA ok maybe that part was funny. Acting Talent: 50% (much better than you would think) Visual Stimulation: 40% (its just a ghetto) Realism: 10% Self-Inflicted Racism Award

A Day Without a Mexican(2004)

"Chinga tu madre, puto"
Damn this movie is boring. The entirety is pretty much a dull drama and a bunch of people complaining about the Mexicans that magically dissapeared. Some people are happy to be rid of them, while others miss them. They feel an emptiness in thier hearts and they wish for their hispanic celebrities and fruit pickers to come back. At some point, the story makes a concerted effort to say, "Hey, Mexicans should be treated like human beings rather than some stereotypic novelty!" and some plight is shoveled on. They also try to correct the common misconception that all illegal immigrants are from Mexico, because they're from the whole of South America.
When the Mexicans magically come back, everyone loves them, even the criminal murderers and the ones that got caught sneaking in. This is bullshit. For perspective, the film is asking you the viewer how you would personally suffer if there were no Mexicans to support California. The first thing that crossed my mind was that the ridiculously absurd "Warning Warning Educated Latina" T-shirt might be fortuitously erased from existance.

Acting Talent: 30% (completely amature)
Visual Stimulation: 20% (bland)
Logic and Sense: 0% (dosen't even make an effort)
Adrenal Stimulation: 0%

Treasure Planet (2002)

Ok, so Disney's R+D department one day came up with the perfect formula for their new movie. It would have swashbuckling, high seas adventure and scurvy scallawag characters for all to enjoy. The movie was destined to make millions upon millions of dollars. Here's how the final meeting went in the creation of this movie:

Disney suit 1: So we're doing Treasure Island, it'll be great, it's got everything we need. We have strong characters, established plot, great potential for character design and such.
Disney suit 2: So who's gonna be the sidekick?
Disney suit 1: What?
Disney suit 2: You know, the cute obnoxious side character that everyone laughs at like Iago the Parrot from Aladdin or the Chris Rock Dragon from Mulan? Or the raccoon from Pocahontas? You know, the lousy crappy character type we invented after we stopped making good movies?
Disney suit 1: Well, I guess Long John Silver's parrot would do. He could say stuff like "AWK! Polly wanna git down AWK"
Disney suit 2: Naw, we need like 3 annoying characters at this point. And Robin Williams isn't available so not all of them can talk.
Disney suit 1: Um, I can't think of anything.
Disney suit 2: Damn, well we might have to do an entertaining pirate movie without really annoying side characters.
Disney suit 3: How about we just take this good idea for a movie and instead of in the past put it in the future in outer space and have an annoying blob creature and a fiendishly irritating psychotic robot and a genius professor who's also a dog?
Disney suit 1: Aren't you the guy who came up with the idea for Hercules?
Disney suit 3: Yeah.
Disney suit 1: Your ideas suck.
Disney suit 2: Who cares, it follows the formula so let's do it.
Disney suit 3: Yeah! Go me, it's my birthday...
Disney suit 1: How the fuck do I get out of this Mickey Mouse operation?

So that's how this movie got made.



Instead of Jim Hawkins, son of a tavernkeeper, we get Jim Hawkins, sullen and troubled kid with a jet surfboard. After finding a super-high tech treasure map ball thing, he goes on an expedition with his dog-professor friend (voiced by Frasier's gay brother) onto a sailing ship that can inexplicably fly through space and is captained by a cat-girl and is full of pirates who are cyborgs and spider-creatures.


I want to talk a little bit about these sailing space-ships. I don't care who thought they'd be a cool idea, they're stupid. Solar sails are a somewhat feasible concept for sending space probes through the solar system, not a reason to take a wooden ship and strap warp engines onto it just because they call them "sails." Also, I don't care if they use the "artificial gravity" concept to explain why they don't float away when they're flying through space. What I really want is them to explain how you can pilot an open-topped wooden space vehicle in a vacuum. At one point they "sail" near an exploding star and the cat-captain orders everyone to wear life-lines to prevent them from getting sucked into the resulting black hole. These lifelines, by the way, are made out of rope. The first mate gets sucked in because one of the spider-pirates decides to kill him, and then they blame it on Hawkins who gets all sullen. "I tied those lifelines myself!" he insists. Yeah, but you used primitive 18th century Earth rope. dingus. Tie him to the space-mast and give him 20 lashes with the lazer whip.


So we have a dog-professor doing the "It's your birthday" dance, doing the "I'm a professor, not a Doctor! Well, it's not that kind of doctor! Etc" thing, falling in love with and eventually boning the cat-captain and having dog/cat children. And he's got the voice of Niles. I don't wanna talk about the dog-professor.


Also the psychotic robot named B.E.N., I can't tell if this guy's based on an actual character from Treasure Island but all I know is that the last thing this already-suffering movie needed was a psychotic, loud and irritating robot man voiced by Martin Short. Eventually you have this giant group of characters that exist to try to chew the scenery as much as they can until you don't know what the hell's going on.


In the end, they escape an exploding Treasure Planet full of space-gold when Jim uses a photon torpedo cannon as a surfboard (flying through outer space without a care, no less) and high-fiving cyborg Long John Silver. That's pretty much all you need to know about Treasure Planet, why it was Disney's biggest bomb of all time, and why you can now watch the whole thing on YouTube, as I did.

Have fun, me hearties.

Conspiracy(2001)

"We pursued a vigorous policy of emigration, but who would take more of them? Who would want them? Every border in Europe rejects them or charges outrageously to accept them. Even America - thank you, yes- where Jews constantly whisper all the time in Roosevelt’s ear, still they turn them away." "History will honor us for having the will and the vision to advance the human race to greater purity in a space of time so short that Charles Darwin would be astonished."

This follows the Wannsee Conference of high ranking Nazi officials like Adolf Eichmann and Reinhard Heydrich that gathered to discuss the policy and methodology of the genocide to be. Heydrich in particular, was known to be one of the most dangerous and compassionless officers of the Third Reich, earning him titles like "Butcher", "Hangman", and "The Beast". As they debated on things like the Jewish heredity, departmental affairs, and cost basis, it became personally apparent that the SS think tank was significantly similar to a modern corporate board meeting or a congressional committee. Sure, the topic was gassing Israelites, but with the politick and power plays involved, they could just as easily been talking about industry offshoring or social security. How do you label Nazis as subhuman monstrosities when they resemble the advisory board at Enron, a capitol lobby, or a military tribunal? All of them have a common factor: they unequivocally make the most efficient economic decisions based on the ideological standard of the time. To me, that implies that America is developing fascist aspects and that ethics has long been traded away.

Walking Tall(2004)

"A truck for a truck. That's justice."

Just look at that face. The Rock is getting his beat down once again, this time in some rustic town that has been taken over by a casino baron. Fresh out of the military, The Rock checks out the gambling house, dislikes what he sees, and gets pissed off. He then grabs a piece of wood and starts bashing the slot machines and beating up security, all without saying a word. This low budget movie is based on the story of Buford Pusser, a lawman known for kicking righteous ass and fighting with wood products like boards or tree branches. I should have followed his example when I visited Reno, as I would've enjoyed smashing those slot machines and maybe busting up all of those incessant flashing lights.