Quantum of Solace (2008)

Daniel Craig as James Bond take two. -BEGIN- He is once again doing Parkour while chasing a guy around a construction site. That must have been a hit.

Okay, now he is Africa again. Again?! When are the British going to pull out of bloody Africa. I don't even know why he is there because I don't understand the story very well. Daniel Craig is mumbling too much and I can't make out the words. Basically, Bond needs to save the Third World from a multinational corporation or he's gay.

The bad guy in Bond movies always comes up with something stupid. This one lives in a house powered by hydrogen fuel cells that blow up at the slightest provocation. Hey, at least he isn't living in a retarded ice castle like last time.

The bad guy died because he was too busy trying to rape a waitress while his house burned down. Bond gets pissed and begins killing Canadians. Something about a leak. -END-

wtf I don't get it.
Rating: 50%

Star Wars The Force Unleashed (2008)

When I saw this new jedi with a shaved head I thought to myself, "oh god that is ridiculous". Why is the main character a skinhead? Were the designers just being lazy?

Only when I was playing it did I realize the merit behind this. You're a god damn rogue Sith, you're supposed to be angry. There is nothing that carries that anger better than a young white skinhead brimming with hatred for "primitive species". There are no guns in the game because you don't need them. Not even grenades. Your turbulent adolescent emotions do the fighting for you.

You see, the battle is all in your mind. Your gameplay is at its most powerful when you let your hatred flow. You slay your enemies not because you're trying to get past them, but because they offend you. How dare they attack you with blaster rifles. How dare they assault you with droids. You feel this need to eradicate them all.

Rating: pointless but satisfying

Mushishi (2006)

got released to the public by the licensing company, Funimation, for what reason I cannot tell. Faced with an anime without a sufficient amount of screaming or muscular dysmorphia, the networks probably decided to make it public domain because they wouldn't be able to sell any buff figurines. However, I am very impressed by the dubbing they did on this series, which sounded to me like flawless fluent American English.
Mushishi is one of my favorite shows. The endings are satisfying to watch and unlike the more retarded shows, do not end prematurely or in the middle of an attack. It's thoughtful and aesthetically pleasing. The Mushi designs are analogous to natural life science and behave according to Darwinist dogma. That is awesome.

YouTube Playlist
Rating: 100%

XKCD: A webcomic of smarm, pretentiousness, autism and failure

"Randallll...Raaannndalllll..."

This may sound like the start to a bad joke (which will get you warmed up for what's to come) but an ex-NASA contractor named Randal decides one day to make a webcomic based on doodles he drew in his spaceship design book. Instead of bothering to introduce regular characters or even attempting to draw them correctly, he just illustrates everything in the classic style known as "stick figure." It may not seem possible, but this puts his artwork at the skill level below that of Cathy Guisewite, a good sign that it's time to burn your sketchbook and kill yourself.

I don't know what kind of geniuses they have over at NASA (or even the contractors they use to build their genius stuff) , but it takes a very special fucking person to take a webcomic made entirely of childish stick scribbles and make it the most pretentious thing on Earth. Geeky Randal (who actually spells it Randall for extra pretention) bills his own work as a "webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language," and his work is beloved by the kind of nerds that make regular nerds want to kick their asses.

Oh, and by the way, the letters XKCD don't stand for shit.

omg XKCD reference ftw?

Here's some comics he drew. You can not make this shit up.

Haha great, now get over here and start spinning on my cock, you stupid bitch.



And then he showed you his fractals and raped you with a protractor or something, lol math




Randal dreams of being extroverted enough to make gay propositions in public. Sadly, only his stick figure friends can live out his erotic fantasies.




Randal hates himself :(



What in the ever-living fuck is going on here? Is...is this Aspergers?




Randal's arms are closer to his drawings than he'd like to admit.




Google didn't hire you because you smell.


Best comic evar.

If you are intelligent enough to see past the crude drawings but aren't sure whether or not to check out the XKCD site for yourself, a fan has made a helpful website that will let you know whether or not today's XKCD strip is worth a look. Enjoy.

Is XKCD Shitty Today?

Joyeux Noël (2005)

Just in time for the holidays. It's another night in the trenches and both sides are putting up some morale boosting music on the front lines. The Germans have a great tenor, but not enough musical accompaniment. The Scotts have lots of bagpipe men, but they suck at singing. Because they can hear each other from across no-mans-land, they decide to put their chips together. After all, music has no nationality.

By this time they're hanging out and sharing food. The war? Who cares. It's Christmas Eve and practically everyone is Christian. Everyone gets together for holy mass. Well, now since we're all in the same place we might as well return the enemy corpses. Well, since we're already friends, might as well help each other stay alive. You can share my trench. Merry Christmas.

Foreign movie. Subtitles required.
Rating: 80%

Hand Cock (2008)

This barely qualifies as a movie. In fact, they should have used this concept for a short film or a miniseries, not a hollywood feature length. The homeless superhero theme is good for the first half of the movie, which ran on a fresh story and had good jokes. The second half of Handcock is a waste of your time. Skip it.
The only thing that is the least bit memorable in this movie is Will Smith's consistently contorted face. Other than that, all the good parts have already been revealed in the trailer. Usually, an over-revealing trailer means that there isn't enough substance in the movie, and there is way not enough in Hancock.

Rating: 30%

I'mfat Andugly.com

I'm a firm believer in changing your name to something ridiculous. For example, Chad Ocho Cinco, formerly Chad Johnson, had several pretty good reasons to do so:

1. It was funny
2. It pleased the fans
3. He was already widely known as "Ocho Cinco"
4. He's just honoring the national Hispanic Heritage Month

Doing it for the good of Hispanic Heritage Month

On the other hand, when Jennifer Thornburg changed her name to Cutout Dissection.com, she just ended up coming off as a pretentious idiot. Haunted by the ghosts of chickens and frogs she dissected in high school biology class, Jennifer changed her name to the likewise named website in order to promote alternative methods of learning that did not require killing animals.

Totally ignoring the concept of Willed Body Programs, Cutout insists that all dissections can be completely abolished in the educational setting. Using her incredibly retarded name to generate publicity and get all up in your face about it, she has joined forces with PETA (great choice!) in order to further cram it down your throat. I mean, this is totally reasonable. Imagine having a rational debate with someone named Cutout Dissections.com. I just can't wait.

Now I really have nothing against fat people. I can understand if they have thyroid problems, or are just plain weak willed, it happens. But the main problem here is, how can you be so fat when you are a fucking vegetarian? Just look at that double chin. How many soy beans does it really take to lard yourself up like that? Perhaps she wants everyone to stop killing animals so she can have more for herself! That's why I propose this to you, Jennifer. Rename yourself Cutout Bacon.com:


This gets the message across that we should stop eating animals (pigs, etc.) and it forces you to stop stuffing your fat face with bacon. Everyone wins.