coming up: DragonBall Evolution

Oh god. This director is taking a HUGE risk by diving headfirst into a nebulous area of human irrational behavior. DBZ is a disease. To date, there have already been 18+ other dragonball movies. There are 508 episodes of dragonball TV episodes. Don't forget the gajillion dbz music videos scored with Linkin Park and the 100+ internet memes spawned by dbz stupidity.

So, this movie faces a number of difficult obstacles.
First, it faces being clobbered as a complete cliche. Powering up, screaming, and fireballs just don't seem to cut it in hollywood anymore.

Second, it must exceed the expectations of people who are already familiar with dbz. That is going to be really difficult. Dragonball is the king of being over the top, ridiculously huge, and retardedly buff. I have no idea how they are going to surmount this. For example, how do you live-action this?


Third, it must appeal to people who have no idea what dbz is. Plot elements such as floating in midair and Piccolo's green skin and giant shoulder pads need to be explained. That will create an impossibly steep learning curve for the newly introduced and facing this, they are most likely going to find it just ridiculous.

Finally, the director has a choice: Should the dbz movie be based on Japanese or American motifs? You can't have it both ways so the production must definitively follow one of the two.


American Version: A Hollywood movie must be appealing to ordinary Americans, so this is a natural choice. Goku could be in highschool and trying to get a date for the prom when Piccolo blows up his gym. That would be perfect. On the other hand, that kind of kills the point of calling this movie "DB Evolution", when it should in fact be called "Superman Vs Green Guy with Balls in His Other Pants Pocket". Uggh.

Making DB Evolution in Japanese fashion would be true to it's roots and would resonate well with preexisting fans. The danger with this choice is that the story would then have to be super retarded and would be too mild compared to the other dragonball movies about buff metal people that punch hard. However, it would definitely give dbz fans what they want to see. This is what that version would probably look like.
This is very accurate.
This movie is fucked.
Predicted Tomato Rating: 15%

Baccano (2007)

A train robbery. That singular event is what this anime is all about. A group of thugs are robbing a passenger train. Wait, now it appears that there are multiple groups of people robbing this train at the same time. Furthermore, some psychopathic killers that escaped from an asylum and bathe in people's blood have decided to board this train. Also, the conductor is a murderer. NOW, throw in Alchemy! BOOM! BACCCANOOOO!!!

Baccano is about mob life during the Great Depression. There are a bunch of mobs with Italian surnames and there are many members in each of these mob organizations. You have to know them all to understand the story. Sorry, but you just have to. This requires a cumbersome amount of memorization, so to help you with this, the intro video has a visual slideshow of the characters and their dispositions.

The first few episodes of any anime are always a drag. That is because you always have so much difficulty understanding what the fuck is going on. Oh god, now the story is being shown in reverse sequence. Backward and sequentially interrupted, like in Memento. So you are watching the third episode and now you've seen the ending, but you don't know how it happened or why everyone is obsessed with this fucking train. Why why why does anime do this. It starts off great, has some good fights, and then ends with fairies and unicorns getting sodomized by Piccaso. Christ sake.

Rating: 40%

Waterworld Extended Edition (2008)

Waterworld is one of my favorite movies, even though it was one of the biggest box office flops in history. Now with the extended edition, fans get 40 more minutes of deleted scenes not seen in the original version. Does the extra material help? I say absolutely. The extra footage gives a greater insight into the world and culture of Waterworld.

When people first see this movie, many are drawn to the central story and action scenes. However, it is the atmosphere and struggle of the everyday people are that is really fleshed out in the Extended Edition. The extended scenes gives more haunting details of Waterworld society and how much time has passed since true civilization existed. The viewer really gets a sense of the desolation and despair of living in Waterworld, which comes from the scarcity and death that pervades every scene.

Also, I made this video of Kevin Costner being the biggest asshole ever in Waterworld:

Left 4 Dead

Your own quick wits, a firearm and three potentially idiotic total strangers are all that's between you and a million contagious lunatics who all run as fast as Kenyans. To round out the 28 Day Later zombie crowd, there are also "special" zombies who can tongue you from a distance, throw cars at you, and barf at you so you go blind, This game is fun as hell.

However, I've yet to be able to play it with any of my cheap-ass friends who are all jobless and destitute, so I'm stuck with whomever the game randomly groups me with, which is a thrill in itself. Will I get Der Fuhrer, the gamer Nazi who angrily demands I follow his orders over voice chat? Will I get the Sprinter, the guy who just says "Ok RUN, RUN, JUST RUN" and takes off as soon as the game starts (and is immediately mobbed and eaten alive)? Will I get That One Guy Who Freaks Out? The Friendly Fire Idiot? The group of friends who all know each other and talk about me like I'm not there? The 4Chan Griefers? It sure is fun to find out.

Rating: Fucking Awesome
Pros: The first cooperative shooter that requires actual cooperation
Cons: "Guys, if I start to turn, you'll shoot me won't you?"
"Sure." *BLAM*
"Not yet you teamkilling faggot! Ah SHIT!"
Second Opinion Rating: I will...I will...I WILL SURVIVE!!!

Spore

The best part of Spore, in my opinion, is one of the elements that made The Sims so enjoyable. It's the fact that it makes hard-core gaming losers scream and gnash their teeth about how "It's not really a game! There's no points! There's no goal! I can't pwn n00bs in 1v1! What a waste of my precious time" etc etc etc.

So, what, Maxis shouldn't even bother to sell it? Because it violates some ancient gaming law about what games should be? Put it into perspective, you're not doing anything important anyway, that's why you're playing a fucking game. You're amusing yourself. When you stay up late at night jacking off to MILF porn on your quad-core gaming rig, it's not like you instantly go on a porn site message board afterwards and complain that squirting your load in a tissue had no point. No, because that's one of your favorite hobbies aside from maximizing your build orders in Starcraft or something similarly horrible. It has no point except you enjoyed it. Gaming has no point except for enjoyment. If your only source of self-worth comes from winning online video games against strangers and spreadsheeting various damages versus various unit types, then you yourself have no point. Deal with it and shut the fuck up.

The only problem here is that while The Sims was fun despite nerd ranting and a best-seller to boot, Spore is not really that good. I myself like many others bought it because of that one video Wil Wright made a year or so ago showing the progression from cell to animal to spaceman, and it was amazing. In contrast, Spore the Actual Game is just an amusing little software toy built within the framework of 5 different, mostly boring mini-games: Pac-Man (cell), World of Warcraft lite (creature), Starcraft lite (tribe), Civilization ultra-lite (City) and Spore in Space. The only modes I would even consider sitting down and playing at this point are the Space, Cell and maybe Creature stages. City stage was so horrendously boring that I only played it once, and I will always use a cheat code to skip it if I ever play the game seriously again. I managed to build a vehicle composed of tank treads, robot legs, strobe lights and guns that I named "KILLMONSTER," but other than building custom stuff I can't remember doing anything fun.

But, it's not even a serious game, so why complain? Maybe I care because I spent 50 bucks on it. FUCK.

Rating: Disappointing >:(
Pros: Sporn
Cons: Anti-sandbox game nerds win the argument
Second Opinion Rating: It is real, okay? I created it, and it's real.

Asia Rising Magazine

Pick up one of these at your local Walmart to get a textbook example of race based marketing turned racist cheesing. This publication is a collection of articles showcasing the achievements of people with black hair. How exotic! I had no idea that those foreigners were allowed to participate in the American economy.

Part 1: What better way to catch people's attention than by putting a sassy Korean clothing model on the cover? That is an absolute requirement. Just to be safe, better put that Korean guy, Rain, on the cover just for racial correctness. Rain is on the cover of every in-your-face Asian focus magazine.
PS. Speedracer = gay

Part 2: Walmart says that Asian people are rising because they do cool stuff. Take this guy, Charlie Woo, who is a huge success because he sells imported Chinese goods to Walmart. Conflict of interest? Naaaah, that doesn't exist in Asiatica.
Or how about this- Did you know that the chef at the White House is Filipino? I had no idea that was possible! I thought that all people from the Philippines work as babysitters. I am now enlightened.

Part 3: There is nothing that Asian people care more about than education. Better put an article about that in here and have it written by an Asian person. It's okay if the article is a shameless plug about buying Hooked on Phonics or some shit as long as it's authored by a doctorate. Doctorates deserve our respect damn it.
Three words that Asian people jump on: Success, Technology, Education. ("Ladder" happens to be another) How can they resist this bait when it's all in the same sentence? Wait...what does it say after that?
Foreman!? This is a Korean woman married to a white man. Or is it Black? This article is automatically worthless. "Asia Rising" my ass. Getting a rise for Asia in a mail order bride catalog, more like.

So what is this? Tacky salesmanship? Forced racial appeal?
What is Walmart trying to say by printing this? Who knows. However, there happens to be one thing that this magazine shows very clearly: Asian Americans are once again guilty of being the biggest sellouts. No contest.

Ali (2001)

is like the greatest fighter ever. The movie however, was much less spectacular. All I see in this movie is Will Smith being a loud jerk, Will Smith jabbing punching bags, and Will Smith reciting shitty Ali rhymes. (What is this, Bel Air?) Jamie Foxx plays Ali's fight trainer, guiding the "Heavyweight Champion of the World" through hard times. Ali is on his second comeback and the Civil Rights movement is raging. He gets kicked out of some black church and his boxing license revoked for draft dodging Vietnam. As he struggles with this, constant constant gospel music is playing throughout the movie. MAKE IT STOP! God, I hate black church.

Also, Black power
A sparcely watched youtube parition that nobody cares about
Rating: 25%