Chocolate Pain: Tay Zonday Sucks Ass

It's no surprise that when YouTube pseudo-celebrity Tay Zonday was featured on Jimmy Kimmel's Show, the audience reaction was a little less than positive. Most of them looked confused, bewildered or non-plussed. That's exactly the reaction a normal person would have when subjected to the baritone stylings of some weird kid off of the Internet.

This is the problem with the Internet, its audience and its chosen idols. Internet heroes aren't chosen for their skill, good looks or positive effects on society. They get chosen because they're kinda weird but, in a maladjusted social reject's eyes, also totally awesome. That's Tay Zonday. A small black kid with a freakishly baritone voice.


"Give him a radio contract!" the Internet hordes shriek. "His voice is, like, really bass!" Sounding less like the odd-looking gnome he is and more like a Protoss Arbiter, Tay Zonday is basically a freak show turned celebrity, mostly due to the combined effort of the small ghetto's worth of similar freaks with far-less baritone voices who upvote his videos.

Forget the fact that he'd be eliminated on day one of American Idol for being an obviously shitty singer, or the fact that his stage presence is tantamount to someone you're videoconferencing with at the office. Forget that he's a crazy-eyed giant earphone-wearing virgin-looking kid with a psychotic expression. Thanks to the marvel of modern telecommunications, those qualities make you an Avatar of the Internet.

Oh, and you can thank Mr. Zonday for the eternal travesty that is Chocolate Rain, a grating and endlessly-remixed funeral dirge of talent.

In the end, Tay Zonday's creations are useful only for one thing: punishing Internet denizens for making him famous.

Bug (2006)

So the story is that this guy finds a parasite in his blood and they're eating him from the inside. First, he finds them hopping around on his bedsheets, then in his spit while he brushes his teeth. They're small, barely big enough to see, and they feed off your blood plasma, leaving lesions and sores all over the body in places where they've burrowed through the dermis and laid eggs. He studies the bugs under a microscope, testing and prodding his own body, all the while spreading the parasite to others.

To remove the bugs from his insides, he sprays himself with Raid, basks in UV light, and cuts himself to expunge the egg sacs. He pulls out teeth to remove colonies that have lodged underneath his tooth fillings and skins himself to pull out bugs that continually irritate his adipose.

Right...so let's see this bug. What does it look like? Like a nematode? Arthropod maybe? Well?

"It's right here! Can't you see it?"
noooo..............................I don't..........

Right, so basically, they never SHOW YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING BUG!!!11
All you see is two people going "AAHHH" and "AUUGH" as their bodies slowly get mutilated. Why? Because the parasites aren't real. They are completely imaginary.
Fuck this movie. Go look up Delusional Parasitosis on Google instead.

Rating: 40%
Example of a parasite
Another parasite

Time Warner Cable Hates Their $450

Man, look at that shitty stock. I'm no economist, but if I had to guess, perhaps what's eating into their profit margin is leaving $450 around wherever they go. How did I get this figure? I'll explain in 4 easy steps:

1. I move into a new apartment, TV signal is provided by Time Warner Cable.

2. When I move in, there is a cable box plugged into the wall, with cable locks at the cable connectors, preventing anyone from removing cable box or unscrewing it from the wall.

3. I plug in my TV to the cable box, and get no reception. I can access the channel guide, but there is no picture, just a big blue "NOT AUTHORIZED" sign.

4. With the only cable jack in the apartment locked in, there is no way to bypass the cable box. I call Time Warner Customer Service (big mistake).

After going through the maze of the automated customer service system, I finally get a rep to talk to. The following transcript is in no way altered from what really happened (I'm serious):

TWC Customer Service:
(Garbled voice)





Me:
Hello?






TWC Customer Service:

Buroshsdiwkghshhhsssccck........Weeelcome to Time Warner Cable can I interest you in one of our fine packages?



Me:
Uhh...I'm just having some trouble with my cable reception (I describe my situation).





TWC Customer Service:
(1 minute pause) Ohhhhh I see what's going on. The previous resident of that apartment moved out, and his cable box was deactivated.




Me:
So is there a way I can get it activated?






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, he forgot to return the cable box, those are $450 each.




Me:
......






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, $450. We'll need to pick that up.





Me:

Ok, but do I need a new box or anything?





TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, those boxes are $450. We need that back. You can just plug your TV directly into the wall.




Me:

Uhhhh, ok (we set up a time for them to pick up the box).






So the day finally arrives when the cable guy is supposed to come to my apartment, unlock the cable box from my wall, but HE NEVER SHOWS UP. So I'm sitting there pissed off thinking what a bitch it is going to be to call them up again, when I think about consulting the internet. Turns out, those fancy $450 cable boxes and their cable locks can be easily bypassed with toilet paper.


Bypassing Cable Locks - Click here for this week’s top video clips

I'm not going to admit to anything that incriminates myself, but let's just say this really works. And if Time Fucking Warner wants their $450 back, maybe I'm actually gone when they ring the doorbell, and maybe I'm not. Basically I don't give a shit except watching that stock fall.

To Catch A Predator: of Bicycles at UCD

During my tenure at UCD, I've had my bike stolen many times. It's a common story. You can't discuss the city of Davis without somehow stumbling on the subject of how each person was robbed of a bike at least once.

The Davis police, too busy enforcing traffic and parking violations(and eating at the Silver Dragon Restaurant), are unwilling to help victims of theft simply because the police dept can't make a profit from it. Thus each time my bike was kidnapped, I was left to find redemption on my own.

In my efforts to find them, I have successfully recovered many lost bikes. I have even been able to come face to face with a red-handed thief. But in the end, I am left angry and I seek vengeance, so this is what I am going to do.

----- TO CATCH A BIKE THIEF -----
ABSTRACT

We're going spend some of our free time running a sting operation. A bait bike will be used to hook a thief, and allow us to intercept him. After that, we don't really have a solid plan, but we are open to suggestions.

HOW TO USE

From my experience, thieves will take anything that is unlocked, no matter how shitty it is. Therefore, a well placed bait bike can expect a bite in between 10-60 minutes.

The next step is interception. Stopping and dismounting a biker requires no more than clever positioning and a short sprint.

At this point, we have a thief in our disposal. How will he react? No matter what he does, the actions we must take are clear. We use a Chris Hansen style hold-and-bombard method to extract information from the thief, which we will then post online in interview format. Hopefully, these results will be posted here soon.

EXPECTED RESULT

Based on Chris Hansen's entrapment results that have been televised on NBC, we expect the thief to struggle at least a little bit. Will he stay and admit guilt or run off frantically? Will he try to lie his way out or attempt to plea bargain, or will this just be really awkward? Will he get angry and attack us? We shall fucking see.


What about trying Citizens Arrest?

Too risky. Citizen's arrest law varies widely from region to region and are very nebulous in nature. It applies only when one witnesses a felony in action, and bike theft may be a felony or only a misdemeanor depending on the market value of the bike/how it was stolen. By the letter of the law, we do not have the power to detain someone that just took our bike. Factor in the complications of physically detaining someone, and citizens arrest becomes a real mess.

Could this be expanded to include car theft?

Uh, yeah sure, but it would be really expensive and probably would require an all-night sting, and that would be boring for us.

Why do bikes get stolen so much?
This testimonal suggests that in the past, bicycles were not so frequently targets of theft, and that after the welfare system was reduced, incidents of bike theft increased dramatically.

"People are scared.They're not getting their medication, they're freaking out, they're out of work, they're not getting the assistance they're used to having and they're hungry. They're desperate and they're doing things they wouldn't usually do."

Why are people stealing so many bikes in Davis? Is it the syndicate? Are people just opportunists or natural thrill-seekers? It's possible that people are just fucking assholes. Or maybe they just need some quick cash. This experiment will show whether or not this socio-economic explanation is founded or not.
Results to come later.

The Wall of the Missing
The Bike Lawyer
Bike Theft Victim Documentation

The Last Legion(2007)

Downhill from here.
Another movie about legionares killing barbarians. This sets in shortly after the fall of the Western Roman Empire, leaving Constantinople as the last vestige of Roman rule and ending the bloodline of the Caesars. Nearly. The last vestige of royal blood escapes to archaic Brittany to set up a new empire where he gets into a huge fight with the native Angelo Saxons. From there, the story turns into a prelude for King Arthur and his faggoty knights.

This woman is a Janissary, which is impossible, but absolutely necessary for the movie because the rest of the cast is NOTHING BUT MEN, which can be a real damper for a movie. Why? Think of other man only movies: Shawshank Redemption, Saving Private Ryan; it's just not the same.


The Last Legion was heavily blasted by the reviews, which said that the story was bland, the acting forced, and the premise just weird. I completely agree. It was so devoid of feeling that I would have closed it halfway through the movie if I had anything better to do. Neither particularly good or glaringly bad, this will sink to the bottom of the movie pile and be soon forgotten.

Rating: 40%

Rush Hour 3(2007)

What's to say about this? I'll just show you with picture slides.


PLEASE! WE DON'T WANT TROUBLE.

LEE! HOW DO YALL SAY "EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS" IN CHINESE!!! HE PICKIN' ON ME CUZ I BLACK!

FRANCE NATIONAL ANTHEM SUCKZ!
"This is why you Americans make me sick. That, and halitosis."

CARTER!! HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

I'M GOING TO EAT YOU
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME BLACK MAN"

CARTERRR!! DO SOMETHING!!1!

AAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HEY CARTER WHATAAA IS IT GOOD FOR?
ABSOLUTELY...NAUTHING!
But first, would you like some ka- kadel- kafilter fish? kafilka fish? kafel- kafelta fish!? kaakfkafatkaf I LIKE PORNOGRAPHY WITH HORSES

Acting Talent: 60% (tired)
Visuals: 75%
Choreography: 5/10 action average

The Promise(2005) Wu Ji

I promise not to use -**insert nickname for suggestive fantasy weapon**- on you and not to -**insert action**- your ass!
Another big inside joke of mine. Although I usually admire ancient Eastern stories and the movies that portray them, The Promise was just too whacky for me to empathize with. What went wrong? Simple. The costume designers went totally out of control and all the characters looked like idiots.

The newlyweds all dressed up for....something.
I mocked this movie as nothing more than some footage from Silkroad Online, featuring a bunch of nubs fighting over armor with high buffs. The name of that legendary equipment? The "Crimson Armor", which includes some garment class robes and a big dumbass helmet.

A lvl 70 mage in armor class garbs fighting alongside some ninja glaivers. Notice his +7 thumbs-up scepter, very powerful.
The acting was amature, the CG looked fake, and the story was total nonsense. Everything was so bad that I cracked up throughout the entirety of the movie. Oh, and I guess it didn't help that the version of the movie I got was some kinda British dub with dull England accents.

If you want to see characters dressed in stupid crap that get PK'ed, go watch hack.sign instead.
Rating: 40%
LARPers Nightmare Award