Phone Booth(2002)

Phonebooth actually does take place entirely in a phonebooth. It pretty much goes like this.


Colin Farrell: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

Man on the Phone: Listen carefully, I will kill you if you do this, this, this, or this without that, the other thing with that thing...(EXPLAINS SHIT)

Colin Farrell: But...I CAN'T.

Police Negotiator: HEY...what's going on.

Man on the Phone: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Phonebooth: oomph.

Police: The real murderer is CANCER.

That's it. I can't remember what happens at the end. Umm...some kind of surprise ending involving a pizza delivery man. Whatever.

Rating 30%

Alpha Dog (2006)

This movie truly taught me what it means to be a wigger. I thought I was a pretty dope-ass whitey gangsta before, but after viewing this film I realized that I was, in fact, not at all gangsta but instead just another dumb whitey bitch. Justin Timberlake is truly the most schtraight up schtreet wigga ever to be seen on the silver screen, and his performance as a gangly, tatted up petty criminal in a gang of similar white suburban hoodlums truly gives me pause. I...give me a few seconds...I...I had something in my eye there dawg, but now I'm schtraight.

Redefining "annoying," Timberlake plays the most obnoxious of an obnoxious group of over-privileged white gangland wannabes, all following the dubious leadership of the "alpha dog," played by Leonardo DiCaprio (I think?) who's the son of an actual mobster, played by Bruce Willis. This movie is actually really good, but not if you're a pre-teen fangirl who rented the DVD just to get wet over Dicaprio and Timberlake running around calling their girlfriends bitches and being alpha dogs. If you are, you're probably not gonna enjoy the part when a speed-addled Neo Nazi takes a dump on DiCaprio's floor and he's too scared to do anything about it.

The Neo Nazi previously mentioned is one of the most brutal characters I've seen in a movie lately, a down on his luck drug addict who keeps having to go back to his parents for money because he owes DiCaprio and works for a telemarketing company. One day, he gets fired, quite rightly, for being a speed-addled Neo Nazi. Put yourself in this guy's shoes. Would you A: Attack your boss? B: Steal Gangster Leonardo DiCaprio's TV and take a dump on his floor? C: get high with your little brother after introducing him to your naked, tatted up Neo Nazi girlfriend? D: Drive recklessly on the sidewalk? E: Bust up parties by spin-kicking asian people into walls? or F: All of the above and much, much more? This guy knows how to have fun.

As the plot goes, DiCaprio and Timberlake decide to kidnap the Neo Nazi's little brother in a display of bad planning in order to possibly ransom him for whatever money they are owed. Instead of really kidnapping him, however, they mostly just hang out and do rich white people stuff like play video games and trim their parents' weed plants for their allowances. When it turns out that kidnapping might, in fact, be a federal crime, the alpha dog and his crew start to think up even more retarded ideas on how to avoid responsibility for their actions.

I give Alpha Dog the whitey wigger thumbs-up of approval, homey. This is the movie of the year that will make you say "What the fuck, So-Cal??"

The fuck you starin' at, nigga??

P.S. Turns out it's not DiCaprio, it's some guy named Emile Hirsch, but it's basically the same guy. Sorry to any pre-teen girls who were googling the words "DiCaprio" and "nude" or "nude pics of Leonardo DiCaprio" for a cheap thrill.

The Tuxedo(2002)

Many say that this was the worst Jackie Chan movie ever made, mostly because it's devoid of the authentic stunts that he is famous for. More importantly, it's boring and nobody cares about whatever they were doing in the story. Bla bla bla, "don't touch my tuxedo", bottled water corp, flying fuck.
The biggest failure was Jackie Chan falling out of character. He apologized less when he hit people and instead, was more of a bruiser. Distinct JC qualities including stuttering and spazzing out, were missing because the directing style was American. Thus, his character was a misfit for his acting skills and the main character ended up looking hopelessly dumb. This is a movie that you will NOT find on Jackie Chan's resume. He just did it out of boredom.

Acting: 40%
Storyline: 25%

Chocolate Pain: Tay Zonday Sucks Ass

It's no surprise that when YouTube pseudo-celebrity Tay Zonday was featured on Jimmy Kimmel's Show, the audience reaction was a little less than positive. Most of them looked confused, bewildered or non-plussed. That's exactly the reaction a normal person would have when subjected to the baritone stylings of some weird kid off of the Internet.

This is the problem with the Internet, its audience and its chosen idols. Internet heroes aren't chosen for their skill, good looks or positive effects on society. They get chosen because they're kinda weird but, in a maladjusted social reject's eyes, also totally awesome. That's Tay Zonday. A small black kid with a freakishly baritone voice.


"Give him a radio contract!" the Internet hordes shriek. "His voice is, like, really bass!" Sounding less like the odd-looking gnome he is and more like a Protoss Arbiter, Tay Zonday is basically a freak show turned celebrity, mostly due to the combined effort of the small ghetto's worth of similar freaks with far-less baritone voices who upvote his videos.

Forget the fact that he'd be eliminated on day one of American Idol for being an obviously shitty singer, or the fact that his stage presence is tantamount to someone you're videoconferencing with at the office. Forget that he's a crazy-eyed giant earphone-wearing virgin-looking kid with a psychotic expression. Thanks to the marvel of modern telecommunications, those qualities make you an Avatar of the Internet.

Oh, and you can thank Mr. Zonday for the eternal travesty that is Chocolate Rain, a grating and endlessly-remixed funeral dirge of talent.

In the end, Tay Zonday's creations are useful only for one thing: punishing Internet denizens for making him famous.

Bug (2006)

So the story is that this guy finds a parasite in his blood and they're eating him from the inside. First, he finds them hopping around on his bedsheets, then in his spit while he brushes his teeth. They're small, barely big enough to see, and they feed off your blood plasma, leaving lesions and sores all over the body in places where they've burrowed through the dermis and laid eggs. He studies the bugs under a microscope, testing and prodding his own body, all the while spreading the parasite to others.

To remove the bugs from his insides, he sprays himself with Raid, basks in UV light, and cuts himself to expunge the egg sacs. He pulls out teeth to remove colonies that have lodged underneath his tooth fillings and skins himself to pull out bugs that continually irritate his adipose.

Right...so let's see this bug. What does it look like? Like a nematode? Arthropod maybe? Well?

"It's right here! Can't you see it?"
noooo..............................I don't..........

Right, so basically, they never SHOW YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING BUG!!!11
All you see is two people going "AAHHH" and "AUUGH" as their bodies slowly get mutilated. Why? Because the parasites aren't real. They are completely imaginary.
Fuck this movie. Go look up Delusional Parasitosis on Google instead.

Rating: 40%
Example of a parasite
Another parasite

Time Warner Cable Hates Their $450

Man, look at that shitty stock. I'm no economist, but if I had to guess, perhaps what's eating into their profit margin is leaving $450 around wherever they go. How did I get this figure? I'll explain in 4 easy steps:

1. I move into a new apartment, TV signal is provided by Time Warner Cable.

2. When I move in, there is a cable box plugged into the wall, with cable locks at the cable connectors, preventing anyone from removing cable box or unscrewing it from the wall.

3. I plug in my TV to the cable box, and get no reception. I can access the channel guide, but there is no picture, just a big blue "NOT AUTHORIZED" sign.

4. With the only cable jack in the apartment locked in, there is no way to bypass the cable box. I call Time Warner Customer Service (big mistake).

After going through the maze of the automated customer service system, I finally get a rep to talk to. The following transcript is in no way altered from what really happened (I'm serious):

TWC Customer Service:
(Garbled voice)





Me:
Hello?






TWC Customer Service:

Buroshsdiwkghshhhsssccck........Weeelcome to Time Warner Cable can I interest you in one of our fine packages?



Me:
Uhh...I'm just having some trouble with my cable reception (I describe my situation).





TWC Customer Service:
(1 minute pause) Ohhhhh I see what's going on. The previous resident of that apartment moved out, and his cable box was deactivated.




Me:
So is there a way I can get it activated?






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, he forgot to return the cable box, those are $450 each.




Me:
......






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, $450. We'll need to pick that up.





Me:

Ok, but do I need a new box or anything?





TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, those boxes are $450. We need that back. You can just plug your TV directly into the wall.




Me:

Uhhhh, ok (we set up a time for them to pick up the box).






So the day finally arrives when the cable guy is supposed to come to my apartment, unlock the cable box from my wall, but HE NEVER SHOWS UP. So I'm sitting there pissed off thinking what a bitch it is going to be to call them up again, when I think about consulting the internet. Turns out, those fancy $450 cable boxes and their cable locks can be easily bypassed with toilet paper.


Bypassing Cable Locks - Click here for this week’s top video clips

I'm not going to admit to anything that incriminates myself, but let's just say this really works. And if Time Fucking Warner wants their $450 back, maybe I'm actually gone when they ring the doorbell, and maybe I'm not. Basically I don't give a shit except watching that stock fall.

To Catch A Predator: of Bicycles at UCD

During my tenure at UCD, I've had my bike stolen many times. It's a common story. You can't discuss the city of Davis without somehow stumbling on the subject of how each person was robbed of a bike at least once.

The Davis police, too busy enforcing traffic and parking violations(and eating at the Silver Dragon Restaurant), are unwilling to help victims of theft simply because the police dept can't make a profit from it. Thus each time my bike was kidnapped, I was left to find redemption on my own.

In my efforts to find them, I have successfully recovered many lost bikes. I have even been able to come face to face with a red-handed thief. But in the end, I am left angry and I seek vengeance, so this is what I am going to do.

----- TO CATCH A BIKE THIEF -----
ABSTRACT

We're going spend some of our free time running a sting operation. A bait bike will be used to hook a thief, and allow us to intercept him. After that, we don't really have a solid plan, but we are open to suggestions.

HOW TO USE

From my experience, thieves will take anything that is unlocked, no matter how shitty it is. Therefore, a well placed bait bike can expect a bite in between 10-60 minutes.

The next step is interception. Stopping and dismounting a biker requires no more than clever positioning and a short sprint.

At this point, we have a thief in our disposal. How will he react? No matter what he does, the actions we must take are clear. We use a Chris Hansen style hold-and-bombard method to extract information from the thief, which we will then post online in interview format. Hopefully, these results will be posted here soon.

EXPECTED RESULT

Based on Chris Hansen's entrapment results that have been televised on NBC, we expect the thief to struggle at least a little bit. Will he stay and admit guilt or run off frantically? Will he try to lie his way out or attempt to plea bargain, or will this just be really awkward? Will he get angry and attack us? We shall fucking see.


What about trying Citizens Arrest?

Too risky. Citizen's arrest law varies widely from region to region and are very nebulous in nature. It applies only when one witnesses a felony in action, and bike theft may be a felony or only a misdemeanor depending on the market value of the bike/how it was stolen. By the letter of the law, we do not have the power to detain someone that just took our bike. Factor in the complications of physically detaining someone, and citizens arrest becomes a real mess.

Could this be expanded to include car theft?

Uh, yeah sure, but it would be really expensive and probably would require an all-night sting, and that would be boring for us.

Why do bikes get stolen so much?
This testimonal suggests that in the past, bicycles were not so frequently targets of theft, and that after the welfare system was reduced, incidents of bike theft increased dramatically.

"People are scared.They're not getting their medication, they're freaking out, they're out of work, they're not getting the assistance they're used to having and they're hungry. They're desperate and they're doing things they wouldn't usually do."

Why are people stealing so many bikes in Davis? Is it the syndicate? Are people just opportunists or natural thrill-seekers? It's possible that people are just fucking assholes. Or maybe they just need some quick cash. This experiment will show whether or not this socio-economic explanation is founded or not.
Results to come later.

The Wall of the Missing
The Bike Lawyer
Bike Theft Victim Documentation