"I Want to Be a Doctor"

Lots of people wish they were doctors, and hey, it shouldn't be a surprise. I get to talk to a lot of smart people that have public health aspirations.(and a lot of idiots that want to be doctors because of medical TV shows)
This is a slant of the career choice that no med school jockey can tell you: Economic trends explain why we have such an intense fixation with Doctors and what will happen in the near future.

AUTONOMY AND CHOICE

The Medical Doctor is a job with a high degree of self-autonomy. Especially in private practice, an MD has the freedom to make decisions with little direction from above. Even lawyers and politicians, despite higher prestige and salary, do not have the latitude that doctors enjoy. Thus, being a doctor is very desirable.(especially to those that desire power and influence)


CYCLICAL SUPPLY OF DOCTORS

For some reason, Doctors come in waves. In a continuous cycle, a shortage of MDs is always followed by an excess number, followed by another period of scarcity. Right now, we demand more doctors than we have hanging around, and our affection for them shows during primetime television.

LIMITING THE SUPPLY OF DOCTORS

Requiring that doctors receive licensing has legally limited the number of practitioners to 1% of the population and no more. By doing this, MDs not only increase their wage, but also make the process of becoming a doctor extremely expensive and intensely competitive. Job security.

While there are many reasons that someone may chose to pursue doctorship, these 3 probably explain a great deal of that motive and the flood of pre-meds that inundates us. Although, it should be noted that this doesn't say anything about how many of those pre-meds are going to make it. Only the passage of time tells that.

Hitman(2007)

Timothy Olyphant gets Mass Murderer status. Here come the infinite spawning security guards. AUGH RELOAD GAME.

HITMAN DOES NOT HAVE LENGTHY NEGOTIATIONS WITH PEOPLE.
HITMAN DOES NOT BUY PEOPLE DINNER.
HITMAN DOES NOT KEEP DUAL MACHETES IN HIS WAISTCOAT.

HITMAN DOES NOT SAY ONE LINERS BEFORE HE KILLS. HE DOES IT SILENTLY AS IN "SILENT ASSASSIN".

HITMAN DOES NOT USE SEXUAL INNUENDO.
HITMAN DOES NOT TORTURE PEOPLE IN BATHTUBS WITH SAW III STYLE SHIT.

HITMAN DOES NOT ASK USELESS QUESTIONS LIKE "WHY IS THERE A HIT ON ME?".

HITMAN DOES NOT LUST.

HITMAN DOES NOT HAVE A FETISH FOR FACIAL TATTOOS THATS JUST RETARDED.

DIANA DOES NOT TALK IN A SYNTH VOICE.

THERE ARE NOT DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF HITMAN. THERE IS NOT A BLACK HITMAN OR AN ATROPHIED OLD HITMAN. THERE'S JUST ONE GUY NAMED 47.

HITMAN DOES NOT BUY PROPERTY FOR PEOPLE OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART.

HITMAN DOES NOT MAKE STUPID FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN FIBRE WIRING PEOPLE.

HITMAN DOES NOT SIGH IN REMORSE AFTER KILLING SOMEONE.


Hmmm...Uhh...I'm not sure. Maybe it is just the gamma. What about his action shots?


YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

HITMAN DOES NOT ACT CUTE.


Mission Performance:
Your Rating: Shit
Your Notoriety: 100/100

The Market Losers: Firms that Fail

If you follow stock market news, you'll occasionally see some companies get creamed. It is similar to watching the popping of a party balloon: News comes out, euphoria is broken, and the stock implodes. Even familiar and long-standing firms eat shit sometimes, but hey, you never know what will happen next month, right?
Here are some tickers that I have been keeping track of that have slid into the very depths of hell. Don't worry tho, it's nothing serious. Remember, for every investor that lost money here, someone else out there made an equivalent amount.

FORD MOTOR CO

My, how the mighty have fallen. There was once a time when The American People wanted to drive trucks because they resembled rocks, but then Asian cars came and did it so much better. Well...that's what happens when your revenue/share is -$4.00.

VONAGE CORP

This company never got a break. Since their 2006 IPO open at $17, their shares have done nothing but slide. As I write this, VG is at a measly $2.13. What do they make, anyway? Voice-over IP? Scam.
Not only is VG muddled in lawsuits, but the Vonage pyramid scheme shows up on campus from time to time, using flashy presentations and advertising glamor to say: You too can make money off VoIP...for a modest investment of around $500...in cash.

GENELABS TECHNOLOGIES

Genelabs or whatever this company is called, produces....uhhh....hmmmmmmm
This is a perfect example of a "hype company" that gained investment popularity because they have a mysterious name and an exciting sounding product. Not helping is the 1999-2000 bubble that resulted in the large price spike at $53. That spike shows up in lots of price charts, but Genelabs in particular, was lifted high and then got dropped hard.

WASHINGTON MUTUAL

Among the banks to take a dive during the recent credit crisis is Washington Mutual, which for some reason, has become particularly unfavorable with shareholders. Nobody likes WM right now. Nobody. Maybe it has something to do with Cramer going berzerk on Mad Money and insulting the yield on Washing Mutual.

HALLIBURTON CORP

They're actually doing quite well. On the other hand, liberals claim that this company is pilfering Iraq. Take a look for yourself: The vertical blue line marks the start date of the war, and 5 years later, the current price is about $40. Not bad, but it's nothing special. This also happens to be the company formerly run by VP Dick Cheney so you can pretty much assume it's full of lies and slimy financial manipulation.
What would happen to HAL if the war suddenly ended and everyone went home? Probably something shady and imperialist, at best.

I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry (2007)

Fuck this movie for trying to be funny and politically correct at the same time. How do you have a movie that tries to make a joke about the main character's son being an obvious homo, and then spend the rest of the movie trying to make a political statement about how homos shouldn't be laughed at? Every other character in this movie comes out as a secret gay guy by the end of it. It came to the point that when a new character was introduced, the people I was watching this with went "Is that guy gay too? Is he???" Probably.

Here's a character cheat sheet for those with bad gaydar or who don't watch the E! channel.

Fat guy who plays Chuck: Pretending to be gay for health benefits.
Adam Sandler: Also pretending to be gay (but by the end of the movie I was wondering if he was going to be bisexual or something)
Chuck's Son: Really fucking gay.
Chuck's daughter: Gender ambiguous.
Their boss, Dan Ankroyd: Not gay, but not funny either.
Rob fucking Schneider: Gay, also doing the worst impression of an asian man since Jerry Lewis.
Big black guy: Big black closeted gay man who becomes a flamer by the movie's end.
Jessica Alba: A lawyer, which is complete bullshit. Putting this hot a chick in this gay a movie cancels out both ends of the spectrum and makes the whole movie feel like eating plain yogurt.
Her brother: FUCKING GAY FAGGOT

Hai guys my lungs r full of Co2, but u can still see mai faic lolol

This movie taught me that gays are people too, even though they dress up like butterflies and buy nothing but KY jelly when they go to the store. Also that firefighters go fight fire every single day, hang off the sides of fire engines when they go to a fire like they did in the 1850's, don't wear their breathing apparatus in a smoke and flame-filled building (unless someone farts!), and half of them are gays.

I now pronounce you Suck and Fairy

SATSUXBALLS SAYS:

EDIT: WOW YOU GOT ME. NICE RAID. DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK OF THIS ONE YOURSELF? GROWING BOY!

ARNOLD SAYS:

"You can't win dis."

Phone Booth(2002)

Phonebooth actually does take place entirely in a phonebooth. It pretty much goes like this.


Colin Farrell: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

Man on the Phone: Listen carefully, I will kill you if you do this, this, this, or this without that, the other thing with that thing...(EXPLAINS SHIT)

Colin Farrell: But...I CAN'T.

Police Negotiator: HEY...what's going on.

Man on the Phone: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Phonebooth: oomph.

Police: The real murderer is CANCER.

That's it. I can't remember what happens at the end. Umm...some kind of surprise ending involving a pizza delivery man. Whatever.

Rating 30%

Alpha Dog (2006)

This movie truly taught me what it means to be a wigger. I thought I was a pretty dope-ass whitey gangsta before, but after viewing this film I realized that I was, in fact, not at all gangsta but instead just another dumb whitey bitch. Justin Timberlake is truly the most schtraight up schtreet wigga ever to be seen on the silver screen, and his performance as a gangly, tatted up petty criminal in a gang of similar white suburban hoodlums truly gives me pause. I...give me a few seconds...I...I had something in my eye there dawg, but now I'm schtraight.

Redefining "annoying," Timberlake plays the most obnoxious of an obnoxious group of over-privileged white gangland wannabes, all following the dubious leadership of the "alpha dog," played by Leonardo DiCaprio (I think?) who's the son of an actual mobster, played by Bruce Willis. This movie is actually really good, but not if you're a pre-teen fangirl who rented the DVD just to get wet over Dicaprio and Timberlake running around calling their girlfriends bitches and being alpha dogs. If you are, you're probably not gonna enjoy the part when a speed-addled Neo Nazi takes a dump on DiCaprio's floor and he's too scared to do anything about it.

The Neo Nazi previously mentioned is one of the most brutal characters I've seen in a movie lately, a down on his luck drug addict who keeps having to go back to his parents for money because he owes DiCaprio and works for a telemarketing company. One day, he gets fired, quite rightly, for being a speed-addled Neo Nazi. Put yourself in this guy's shoes. Would you A: Attack your boss? B: Steal Gangster Leonardo DiCaprio's TV and take a dump on his floor? C: get high with your little brother after introducing him to your naked, tatted up Neo Nazi girlfriend? D: Drive recklessly on the sidewalk? E: Bust up parties by spin-kicking asian people into walls? or F: All of the above and much, much more? This guy knows how to have fun.

As the plot goes, DiCaprio and Timberlake decide to kidnap the Neo Nazi's little brother in a display of bad planning in order to possibly ransom him for whatever money they are owed. Instead of really kidnapping him, however, they mostly just hang out and do rich white people stuff like play video games and trim their parents' weed plants for their allowances. When it turns out that kidnapping might, in fact, be a federal crime, the alpha dog and his crew start to think up even more retarded ideas on how to avoid responsibility for their actions.

I give Alpha Dog the whitey wigger thumbs-up of approval, homey. This is the movie of the year that will make you say "What the fuck, So-Cal??"

The fuck you starin' at, nigga??

P.S. Turns out it's not DiCaprio, it's some guy named Emile Hirsch, but it's basically the same guy. Sorry to any pre-teen girls who were googling the words "DiCaprio" and "nude" or "nude pics of Leonardo DiCaprio" for a cheap thrill.

The Tuxedo(2002)

Many say that this was the worst Jackie Chan movie ever made, mostly because it's devoid of the authentic stunts that he is famous for. More importantly, it's boring and nobody cares about whatever they were doing in the story. Bla bla bla, "don't touch my tuxedo", bottled water corp, flying fuck.
The biggest failure was Jackie Chan falling out of character. He apologized less when he hit people and instead, was more of a bruiser. Distinct JC qualities including stuttering and spazzing out, were missing because the directing style was American. Thus, his character was a misfit for his acting skills and the main character ended up looking hopelessly dumb. This is a movie that you will NOT find on Jackie Chan's resume. He just did it out of boredom.

Acting: 40%
Storyline: 25%