Why Smoketrap the Great doesn't post much anymore

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The Debt Management Seminar

Whenever I am on campus I grab a school newspaper. "The California Aggie" it's called. While flipping through the day's articles, I noticed that there was a Debt Management Seminar scheduled in Olson for that afternoon.
Now of course, I am in no way in debt. If I was, I probably wouldn't have time to post in this online blog. In fact, I don't even know what it's like to be in the red, but I was just curious as to why people become indebted and what these people do about it. So I went.
I walked in late. A guy was was showing powerpoint slides on a projector and talking about how credit cards work. I sat down near the back of the classroom and had a look around. To my right was a big cluster of black people. African Americans, I figured, had a social history of financial unsoundlyness. In front of me were some of those funny looking Asian guys, well dressed in fabby style, chunky faces, with hair sharper than a cactus. This was also not surprising to me. There were a few Asian women in the front of the room as well, though small in stature, they commanded a great interest in personal finance, as evinced by the amount of notes they were taking.

The talk really wasn't very interesting. It could be summarized in 2 sentences. "Stop spending so much money" and "Don't overuse your credit card". The presenter was a black fellow in a sharp suit who looked very much like OJ Simpson and identified himself as a "debt consulting agent". I could be much more racist but...that's enough of that.

The Sarah Conner Nagging

Hey, I've seen that face before!

This show is about the computers in the future sending back Terminators to kill blah blah blah blah, basically it's about Sarah Conner nagging her son every chance she gets. While this may at first seem to be a negative point, it's actually one of the few shows that I can really relate to.

Hidden among all the explosions, flying bullets, and robots throwing each other around, the producers have masterfully recreated the nagging mom. Here are just some of the few things Sarah Conner complains about:

1. John Conner getting a B- in Honors Militia class
2. John Conner not folding his tactical combat suit after taking it out from the dryer
3. John Conner didn't assemble futuristic rail gun until Sarah Conner had to tell him three times
4. John Conner, while driving in reverse and shooting at pursuing Terminator, drove 35 mph in a 25 mph zone
5. John Conner's ammo box still not organized according to caliber of bullet for fifth straight week

"John! How many times do I have to tell you to calibrate the magnetron before attaching the fusion barrel?!"

That said, this show is actually pretty good in capturing the feel and setting of the original two movies, except for the biggest flaw: no Arnold. Any Terminator fan knows that the entire idea of the Terminator revolved around Arnold being a badass, and his unique style of acting (none). This is where the producers failed, because all the Terminators are either rapists, assholes, or hot chicks. For the main Terminator, I think they were trying to go for "badass", but somehow wandered onto the set of Friends.

Asshole

Sex offender

There's plenty of action from these Terminators, but the real joy from seeing them comes from the chance that might kill Sarah Conner.

If this is the future, I welcome our new robot masters

In the end, this is an action packed story about robots from the future, world annihilation, sacrifice for a new generation, and John Conner wishing his mom would just shut up.

Hellboy (2004)

Who is this guy? As far as I can tell, he is a bright red colored hellspawn that has a habit of making brunt wisecracks. He was created by some Nazi occult shit and then lives in a basement for 50 years, after which he is used for ghostbusting. That's stupid. Why does a devilspawn need a wussy revolver? And why does he grind down his horns into 2 little circles on his forehead? What, is that supposed to be like his equivalent of shaving? He doesn't like people anyway, so why would he groom himself like that? Grow some horns, fucker.

At first introduction we see him curling barbells and smoking. Sound like someone you know of? HEY where did you learn that lifting technique. Who's copying who now?

Rating: 40%
Too unremarkable to care about.

I am Legend (2007)

"I will be at the South Street Seaport everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky."
You either liked watching this, or you thought it was a horrible zombie movie cliche. The premise is basically Smith hunting and gathering and trying not to get zerg rushed in the ruins of New York City for 2 hours. The whole idea, really, is a futuristic Noah's Arc story.

$6.63 for a gallon of gas?! FUCK!! Many fine details of everyday life in the post apocalyptic are scattered throughout this movie.
I'm tempted to compare I am Legend with his other scifi "based on a book" movies like I, Robot, but this story was a lot simpler, applicable to anyone, and therefore much more entertaining. Catchy soundtrack too.

The butterfly theme was very clever, and the dog, as it turns out, has become a fan favorite.
In any case, Will Smith is getting really good at playing characters that feel miserable to the point of silent tears. I'm placing a bet that his next character will be fairly similar.

Rating: 85%
One to think about in your free time.

Windtalkers (2002)

God, this was so stupid. Nicholas Cage's career must have hit rock bottom when he did this movie. Actually, his career still sucks, eg. National Treasure, Wild Hogs. The dialog was retarded; every time Nick Cage opened his mouth it made him look progressively dumber. He was supposed to act war weary, but he appeared more like comatose. Cage even attempted a few lines of Japanese, which made me laugh.

Cage thinking about how much his movies suck.
I fast forwarded through the character dev because it was shallow and boring. Battle scenes looked fake. FAKE! Kids who watch this will have to be informed that field artillery does not have pinpoint accuracy on every shot as the movie portrays and that Nicholas Cage did not actually kill all 30,000 Japanese troops by himself. There is not one thing redeeming about this movie.
Oh yeah, and there were some Native Americans fighting for equality in this movie. Would you believe that because of that, some tribals are calling this a "breakthrough film"? That's retarded. I think there was also a love story in there that got buried by bad acting.

Rating: 33%
Don't Bother.

Jericho: The first 5 episodes

This show is an amazing disappointment to me as a connoisseur of post-nuclear fiction. When talking of such things, you have to go back to the classics: The Mad Max trilogy, Red Dawn, When the Wind Blows, the miniseries The Day After (which actually convinced a befuddled President Reagan that limited nuclear war was, in fact, not the greatest idea), and more recently the computer game Wasteland and the Fallout series.

Post-nuclear fiction envisions a near-future or present in which nuclear war has occurred, and modern civilization has ceased to exist. The most chilling part of this kind of fiction is that it is in no way fantasy: it is a reality that could happen at any time. At this moment there are tens of thousands of thermonuclear weapons primed to launch themselves all over the globe, turning the greatest population centers on Earth into glass wastelands.

Of course, a little artistic license is always expected. You're unlikely to find yourself fighting off rad-scorpions or ghouls in the glowing wastes in the aftermath of an attack. Jericho attempts to realistically depict what happens to a small-town Kansas community after a mushroom cloud appears over the Western horizon, followed by a cloud of dust that used to be Denver.

The good parts of this series are in moments like this, where insurmountable and at times inconceivable problems start to pop up to afflict the town of Jericho: a storm front sweeps over from Denver bearing radioactive fallout and the city's shelters aren't up to the task, a prison bus transporting murderers crashes and sets them free after the attack, a kid finds a message on his answering machine from his mother which records her being killed by a nuclear blast...and she wasn't in Denver. These are the promised results of an excellent premise.

Where the show falls flat on its face is in its most important part: the characters. Rarely believable, generally obnoxious and frequently stupid, they remind you instantly that you're watching a cross between a decent show and an O.C. ripoff. And the show is so hackneyed and poorly-planned that major holes keep cropping up.

Here are some major ones:
-They're in Kansas. How come everyone sounds, looks and acts like they're from L.A.? In the show's defense, he mayor sounds slightly Southern, but why the fuck does his son sound Canadian? Absolutely no one is a hick or redneck, although some of the actors might be trying, unsuccessfully, to appear rural.

-Your country just got nuked. Why does no one seem to care that much? The teens of the town act like they're going to the mall or fretting about their first kiss. The adults still hang out at the local bar...EVERY SPARE SECOND OF THE DAY. The bartender says herself that the generator running the bar takes 90 gallons of gas a day, the same as the hospital. Why the fuck is it still open?

-Jericho apparently is a town with a population of 5000...and zero ugly people. Everyone's either a JC Penny's model or plotting to become one.
-In a town of 5000, only 12 people actually matter. Whenever something happens (the TV in the bar finally shows something, the Mayor is saying something important), they're already there. Creepy.

-Black McGuyver. The one black man in town knows everything about everything...sort of. He can fix any machine, is sending shit to satellites from his laptop in the back yard, and explains to the dumber viewers how hydrogen bombs work ("They literally...EXPLODE the AIR.") Um, whatever man. Whenever he offers help, though, he gets told to fuck off (somewhat realistically...it IS Kansas.) However, he's really some kind of secret agent or something, so his family isn't allowed to even go to the store. What the fuck is he trying to accomplish? The show is loath to show you.

-Sometimes in the crowd scenes, there's an Asian or, randomly, another black man. You never see these people again. Sometimes they're replaced by a random Indian woman or something. It's really jarring.

-The scenes in episode 5 where the firefighters are trying to stop blazes around town are completely idiotic and wrong in so many ways I can't list them all. Here's the main one. YOU DON'T SEND HALF YOUR FIRE ENGINES AND PERSONNEL TO A CITY IN ANOTHER STATE THAT JUST GOT NUKED. IT'S SOMEWHAT INEFFECTUAL.

So, don't be like me and keep watching a somewhat decent but ultimately stupid show just because they dangle good scenes at the beginning and end like carrots. Watch and play the classics instead!

The Day After (1983, whole movie) The aftermath of nuclear war between the US and the Soviets. Survivors in rural Kansas and Minnesota suffer the effects of nuclear winter.

When the Wind Blows (Animated, 1986, whole movie) An doddering English couple survive nuclear war, only to slowly succumb to the effects of radiation. Caution: depressing and haunting as hell.

Mad Max - Beyond Thunderdome (1985) The train escape scene.

Red Dawn (1984) WOLVERINES!!!

Fallout (1997) Intro movie.