Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009)

This film is fucking terrible. I don't know how coked out Matthew Mcconaughey was when he signed the contract, but it couldn't be nearly as coked out as he was during actual filming. Or maybe instead he was doing truckloads of crystal meth with a little dose of mountain moonshine thrown in for flavor, considering he's a fucking hick who comes from hillbilly country and his brother's name is fucking "Rooster."

On second thought, since his character is supposed to be drunk during most of the movie, he couldn't possibly have been imbibing any form of alcohol at all, since he's such a brutally terrible actor he couldn't even pull this off. He just keeps drinking shot glasses of what is most likely iced tea, without even bothering to act like it's hard liquor until you're sitting there going, "Ok, drink up that iced tea, boy. That's a good sport, pretend like you know what the fuck you're doing."

No part of his character is even slightly believable. Supposedly he is a professional photographer who is also a skilled womanizer, able to bone every chick he meets. The little actresses they hired to play the women he molests do their best to almost literally throw themselves at him, which is kind of hilarious seeing how badly he reads his lines. When he drops his pickup lines it sounds like he's failing middle school drama. He looks and talks like someone grabbed a vagrant off the street and gave him a makeover.

Eventually he gets haunted in the bathroom by a molester ghost who's his dead uncle who I guess was his inspiration to be a walking STD dispenser. He sort of acts like he's freaked out, then kind of fake-stumbles back to the party he was at, and immediatly grabs some old GILF's tits and starts trying to convince her to fuck him. This scene is totally insane by any standard. Not only does he forget that he just saw a dead person, now he's trying to get himself some ancient poon that he just met in a party full of young, nubile bodies. He really goes at it too, telling her that she's probably a great fuck and that he really wants to squirt his load into that barren tomb of a uterus. It's completely revolting and makes no god damn sense at all, in terms of absolutely everything else in the movie. Maybe seeing a corpse made him want to rape a corpse, I don't know.

The movie, I dare say, get's kind of better MAYBE as it progresses, but the first half-hour, oh fuck. The theatre was totally empty except for me and my girlfriend, so I just buried my face in her tits and tried to cry myself to sleep.

To put it in terms of how categorically awful this movie is, I was thinking to myself, "you know, it really hurts me to say this...but...but I think that, at this moment, I actually would rather be watching Twilight than this movie, right now."

Yes, Twilight. This movie was so bad, I would rather have been watching Twilight. Yes, it is that eye-and-ear-bleedingly bad.

Ok, maybe not Twilight. But this movie is pretty bad.