Five Fingers (2006)

Laurence Fishburne plays the part of a Muslim terrorist who captures some Dutch guy in Morocco in order to extract information from him. Throughout the "interrogation" Fishburne plays chess and mind games and systematically cuts off Dutch guy's fingers one by one until he gives up the information. What information exactly? Well the entire movie really boils down to one scene:

(Fishburne is in some abandoned warehouse with Dutch guy chained to a chair)

Laurence Fishburne: You know, if more Westerners played Chess, we wouldn't have many so problems between our cultures. Do you want to play a game of Chess?

Dutch Guy: No.

Laurence Fishburne: I really like jazz music.

Dutch Guy: What?

Laurence Fishburne: Enough! (Fishburne snaps his fingers and an assistant brings out a paper cutter)

Dutch Guy: OH GOD NO!

Laurence Fishburne: Tell me what I need to know.

Dutch Guy: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NO PLEASE NO!

Laurence Fishburne: Last chance.

Dutch Guy: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

(Fishburne cuts Dutch Guy's finger off)

Multiply this scene 5 times and you get this shitty movie. So what is this information that Fishburne wants so badly that he is willing to spend hours playing chess and discussing musical preference with some random Dutch guy? Well the audience never knows until the very end. At least, I assume it's revealed at the end because regrettably I couldn't finish watching this movie due to extreme boredom. I expect there was some big secret that tied everything together, but seriously this movie was just Laurence Fishburne speaking really slowly talking about random shit while the Dutch Guy chained to his chair pleads for mercy. The only good part about this movie was that Transporter Chief O'Brien was shot to death in the first 10 minutes.


Also, there was some subplot involving Dutch Guy's Moroccan girlfriend which involved a bunch of flashbacks. Whatever.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Okay to begin with, there's too much character development in this movie. I can't believe that I'm saying that, given the already lackluster storyline, but nobody is going to remember that shit for a movie like this. They try to stuff the plane with a diverse character set to spice up the story, but honestly speaking, that isn't what the audience wants. I say kill them all. Blah blah blah. GET TO THE SNAKES ALREADY!
In the next phase, Sam Jackson fights snakes + angry mob. By this time, he's already produced several meme worthy lines in an attempt to get the passengers to shutup. Then he says, "Give these people air!" and that's where the memory file in my neural net processor ends.

There are 2 buff chinese men that do some kind of kung fu or stunt shit in this movie. This is out of a total of 2 chinese men. That's a proportion of 100%.
Rating: 50%

The Medallion (2003)

I remember a time, perhaps in the 90's when Jackie Chan was revered as a brilliant stuntman with titles like Rumble in the Bronx and Supercop under his belt. But now his movies are -what?- slapstick comedy mystical fictions with Jackie Chan making panicky noises the whole time.

Out of his ensemble of his half-assed joke movies, this is one ranks relatively low. He teams up with this aloof Scottish detective that is scared of everything like he has some kind of horrible mental disorder. He would turn corners or open doors, see something unexpected, and scream "whoaaaaaa!!" like 50 or so times in the movie. The Englishman also has an asian supermodel wife. That's weird because at the same time Jackie is flirting with this other caucasian supermodel who is the coworker of the Scottish guy. So he, uh, switched wives or, I'm not sure they know, what?

Anyway in the end the Chinese dragons do some magical shit and Jackie Chan becomes immortal. So, that's cool. The movie ends with Jackie running 100 miles an hour and going "yay!".

Rating: 20%