To Catch A Predator: of Bicycles at UCD

During my tenure at UCD, I've had my bike stolen many times. It's a common story. You can't discuss the city of Davis without somehow stumbling on the subject of how each person was robbed of a bike at least once.

The Davis police, too busy enforcing traffic and parking violations(and eating at the Silver Dragon Restaurant), are unwilling to help victims of theft simply because the police dept can't make a profit from it. Thus each time my bike was kidnapped, I was left to find redemption on my own.

In my efforts to find them, I have successfully recovered many lost bikes. I have even been able to come face to face with a red-handed thief. But in the end, I am left angry and I seek vengeance, so this is what I am going to do.

----- TO CATCH A BIKE THIEF -----
ABSTRACT

We're going spend some of our free time running a sting operation. A bait bike will be used to hook a thief, and allow us to intercept him. After that, we don't really have a solid plan, but we are open to suggestions.

HOW TO USE

From my experience, thieves will take anything that is unlocked, no matter how shitty it is. Therefore, a well placed bait bike can expect a bite in between 10-60 minutes.

The next step is interception. Stopping and dismounting a biker requires no more than clever positioning and a short sprint.

At this point, we have a thief in our disposal. How will he react? No matter what he does, the actions we must take are clear. We use a Chris Hansen style hold-and-bombard method to extract information from the thief, which we will then post online in interview format. Hopefully, these results will be posted here soon.

EXPECTED RESULT

Based on Chris Hansen's entrapment results that have been televised on NBC, we expect the thief to struggle at least a little bit. Will he stay and admit guilt or run off frantically? Will he try to lie his way out or attempt to plea bargain, or will this just be really awkward? Will he get angry and attack us? We shall fucking see.


What about trying Citizens Arrest?

Too risky. Citizen's arrest law varies widely from region to region and are very nebulous in nature. It applies only when one witnesses a felony in action, and bike theft may be a felony or only a misdemeanor depending on the market value of the bike/how it was stolen. By the letter of the law, we do not have the power to detain someone that just took our bike. Factor in the complications of physically detaining someone, and citizens arrest becomes a real mess.

Could this be expanded to include car theft?

Uh, yeah sure, but it would be really expensive and probably would require an all-night sting, and that would be boring for us.

Why do bikes get stolen so much?
This testimonal suggests that in the past, bicycles were not so frequently targets of theft, and that after the welfare system was reduced, incidents of bike theft increased dramatically.

"People are scared.They're not getting their medication, they're freaking out, they're out of work, they're not getting the assistance they're used to having and they're hungry. They're desperate and they're doing things they wouldn't usually do."

Why are people stealing so many bikes in Davis? Is it the syndicate? Are people just opportunists or natural thrill-seekers? It's possible that people are just fucking assholes. Or maybe they just need some quick cash. This experiment will show whether or not this socio-economic explanation is founded or not.
Results to come later.

The Wall of the Missing
The Bike Lawyer
Bike Theft Victim Documentation

The Last Legion(2007)

Downhill from here.
Another movie about legionares killing barbarians. This sets in shortly after the fall of the Western Roman Empire, leaving Constantinople as the last vestige of Roman rule and ending the bloodline of the Caesars. Nearly. The last vestige of royal blood escapes to archaic Brittany to set up a new empire where he gets into a huge fight with the native Angelo Saxons. From there, the story turns into a prelude for King Arthur and his faggoty knights.

This woman is a Janissary, which is impossible, but absolutely necessary for the movie because the rest of the cast is NOTHING BUT MEN, which can be a real damper for a movie. Why? Think of other man only movies: Shawshank Redemption, Saving Private Ryan; it's just not the same.


The Last Legion was heavily blasted by the reviews, which said that the story was bland, the acting forced, and the premise just weird. I completely agree. It was so devoid of feeling that I would have closed it halfway through the movie if I had anything better to do. Neither particularly good or glaringly bad, this will sink to the bottom of the movie pile and be soon forgotten.

Rating: 40%

Rush Hour 3(2007)

What's to say about this? I'll just show you with picture slides.


PLEASE! WE DON'T WANT TROUBLE.

LEE! HOW DO YALL SAY "EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS" IN CHINESE!!! HE PICKIN' ON ME CUZ I BLACK!

FRANCE NATIONAL ANTHEM SUCKZ!
"This is why you Americans make me sick. That, and halitosis."

CARTER!! HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

I'M GOING TO EAT YOU
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME BLACK MAN"

CARTERRR!! DO SOMETHING!!1!

AAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HEY CARTER WHATAAA IS IT GOOD FOR?
ABSOLUTELY...NAUTHING!
But first, would you like some ka- kadel- kafilter fish? kafilka fish? kafel- kafelta fish!? kaakfkafatkaf I LIKE PORNOGRAPHY WITH HORSES

Acting Talent: 60% (tired)
Visuals: 75%
Choreography: 5/10 action average

The Promise(2005) Wu Ji

I promise not to use -**insert nickname for suggestive fantasy weapon**- on you and not to -**insert action**- your ass!
Another big inside joke of mine. Although I usually admire ancient Eastern stories and the movies that portray them, The Promise was just too whacky for me to empathize with. What went wrong? Simple. The costume designers went totally out of control and all the characters looked like idiots.

The newlyweds all dressed up for....something.
I mocked this movie as nothing more than some footage from Silkroad Online, featuring a bunch of nubs fighting over armor with high buffs. The name of that legendary equipment? The "Crimson Armor", which includes some garment class robes and a big dumbass helmet.

A lvl 70 mage in armor class garbs fighting alongside some ninja glaivers. Notice his +7 thumbs-up scepter, very powerful.
The acting was amature, the CG looked fake, and the story was total nonsense. Everything was so bad that I cracked up throughout the entirety of the movie. Oh, and I guess it didn't help that the version of the movie I got was some kinda British dub with dull England accents.

If you want to see characters dressed in stupid crap that get PK'ed, go watch hack.sign instead.
Rating: 40%
LARPers Nightmare Award

Layer Cake (2004)

It's a piece of cake to bake a layer cake...if the way is hazy.



That's the lesson you learn when you watch this movie made by the same guy who did Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. This guy dreams of being an ultracool British criminal, but apparently film school was easier than drug dealing for a pretentious fuckwit to make a living.

As the refined, elderly gangster guy explains to the new James Bond, "You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake son."

Layer cake indeed. If you use a messy recipe, the cake will come out CRAZY, just like this movie gets if you try to follow every plot line.


James Bond (who technically is the Man With No Name in this film) is a middleman for some drug operation going on in Britain, thinking he's clever enough to escape the business whenever he wants to. Not a chance. He ends up having to kill his boss, getting his head smashed into a fish freezer and dealing with a crazed Serbian assassin who takes heads as trophies. This movie is OK if you have a pen and paper handy to keep track of all the characters and their motives. Even if you don't, don't worry about it, most of them get whacked anyway.


It's not as shitty as Lock Stock or any of the other movies this director has done, mostly because it doesn't rely on goofy camera angles and FREEZE FRAME ON EACH IMPORTANT CHARACTER WITH HIS NAME, SPECIES AND CLASS when they're introduced. And it has Colm Meany, the swearing Irishman, who brings a wee bit o' fockin' class to everything he's in.


In the end, the surviving characters end up enjoying their own slice of the layer cake because they did the cookin' by the book. You know that they love cake. Finally, they're going to have a cake.

Apocalypto(2006)

"I saw a hole in Man. Deep, like a hole he will never fill. It is what makes him sad and what makes him want. He will go on taking and taking until one day the world will say: 'I am no more and nothing left to give.'"

God damnit this movie is really intense. In terms of gore, brutality, and other savagery(like eating porcine testicles), Apocalypto ranks pretty high up there. Gibson, it seems, went through a great deal of trouble to create authenticity as well, hiring 700 Mexican stand-ins, constructing his own blood soaked Mayan city, and even ordering hand-made clothes dyed with plant extracts to dress his actors in.

"Uh, what do you want?"
Although displaying some shocking imagery, Apocalypto was fervently lacking in story quality. It centralized around the experiences of one tribal and his struggle for revenge against the Jaguar warriors that destroyed his village in the outlying jungles. It would have been a lot more epic if the plot focused on the agonizing destruction of Mayan civilization by Spanish conquistadors, rather than some guy's hunting grounds. At least, that was what I was expecting.

-HOW TO PERFORM YOUR OWN LIVE HUMAN SACRIFICE-

STEP 1:

Pull out the cardiac musculature with an obsidian blade, making sure to completely sever all the aortic and pulmonary arteries. Decapitate the body with the sword of a Jaguar warrior.

STEP 2:

Hold out the heart for everyone to see. They will jeer in delight. Send the heart to Quetzalcoatl by incineration. Say something about how we are the race destined to be the masters of time.

STEP 3:

Roll the head down the steps of the pyramid. It is launched in style similar to throwing a bowling ball. Some jesters at the bottom of the pyramid will catch the head in a net and throw it around for extra fun.

STEP 4:

Roll the body down steps after they are done. The body will ragdoll down to the base where it will be properly disposed of. Bring in the next sacrifice and repeat until everyone is tired.

Visuals: 97%
Story: 45%
Torture meter: 9/10
Gibsonian torture ratio: 1.3 (above average)

Night of Bush Capturing

Download Here

First of all, this entire game is in English, which makes little sense when America isn't exactly the best recruiting station for Jihadeers. Whatever, makes it easier for me to play, which is a plus. So on the title screen you got poorly cut pictures of Bush, Blair, some bearded guy, another guy, and is that Muqtada al-Sadr? You also got the most stock photo of Osama hanging the in the background, commonly used in those shoot-Osama flash games. Then you got all the standard computer game buttons. "About" doesn't work, and "Credits" all attribute everything to GIMF, the Global Islamic Media Front.

Pressing "New Game" allows you to select three difficulty settings, Easy, Intermediate, and Advanced. This is disappointing, as they should have been cleverly named like in other games, maybe "Infidel, Jihadist, Martyr", or something.

Who knew I could declare Jihad on my computer this easily?

This is the loading screen. They had to have "Start Mission" instead of "Start Jihad"? I should have been on the development team, they need to think of these things.

This part is cool. Right from the beginning you hear a shout of "ALLAHU ACKBAR!" which never fails to get a laugh from me. No disrespect to Islam, but it is funny. The music is the best part, it is some dramatic chanting song in Arabic, no doubt very Jihadist in meaning. I instantly recognized it as M.C. Ez-IED's One Thousand Bombs Down The Throats of The Infidels (So I Can Ascend To Heaven). This song pumps you up. It really makes you feel cool storming this American army base, all of which have huge photographs of a quizzical Bush at the entrance. Imagine blasting this out the window of an American dorm.

Why do American bases cost so much? All the giant portraits of our beloved infidels.

This first level really kicks you in the teeth. It's extremely hard and the controls totally blow. Just walking around your screen will flash red which means someone is shooting you but you can't really tell from which direction or hear anything else but the music, so you have to whirl around frantically trying to look for any poorly-rendered moving polygons. The AI is simple, once an enemy sees you, it moves towards you in a straight line up to a few feet in front of you then starts blasting away. This will go on for eternity unless you kill the enemy, so there is no hope for stealth or anything. Also, there seems to be no range or limit to any weapons, and no recoil or anything, as all bullets go in a straight laser-line, so it's a mystery why enemies choose to run closer to you.

Anyway, I didn't get too far in this first level because there's too many enemies and I'm just one soldier of god taking on an entire American Camp solo. I would think that if I wanted to encourage people to go on Jihads I would make this game easier to build confidence, but whatever. Thankfully, the game comes with pre-saved mission points, so I just jumped to mission 2.

The Americans have advanced to plasma cannons.

More of the same shit, but the music is different. It is a similiar chanting loop that sounds less dramatic, but it is a breath of fresh air after the first level. This level you clear out another American base which looks surprisingly similar to Al-Qaeda training camps. Except this time all the American soldiers pack BFG's for some reason. I didn't get much further than this since there was a door which required a key to open, and that about broke my patience limit.

Pepsi: The preferred beverage for today's working Jihadist

Level 3 is the same deal, with different level and different music. What struck me was the vending machine decal. Pepsi actually paid to advertise in Night of Bush Capturing? And if they didn't, well then Islamic Jihadists must really love Pepsi, which makes it really easy to end this war right now. I won't say exactly how for fear of assassination on me, but I think you get the idea.

I could go on through all the other levels, but the burning desire to capture Bush was too strong, so I jumped straight to the last level.

Last level is called "Bush hunted like a Rat". This is just mean. I wanted to digitally capture Bush, not call him names. Shame on you, Global Islamic Media Front.


You start off with a grenade launcher on top of some hill with a lone port-a-potty. Everything in this game is English except for the signs, but I kind of understand what they want me to do. Fuck you, Global Islamic Media Front, YOU shove your face in a bucket of shit. Inside the wall of the port-a-potty are the words "frabrique in France". What they got against France?


Well at the bottom of the port-a-potty there is a room with Bush, at least I think it's supposed to be Bush. His face looks all contorted and he's really short, like 4 feet in real life. After a few grenade launcher blasts to the face, he's gone. Then, nothing happens. There's no victory cut scene, no credits roll. You can walk around the rest of the level but there's nothing to indicate that you've beaten the game or done a good job. I opted for suicide.

That's pretty much the entire game, a game full of LIES. It's called "Night of bush Capturing", but you're hardly supposed to "capture" Bush, and every level I've seen is in the daytime. What assholes.

How to Crack a Master Combination Lock

Well I tried this method and it really works, and i was able to break into a combination lock that I forgot the numbers to. The reason that this method works is because it subverts the algorithm that MasterLocks are configured to and allows you to limit the number of possible combinations.
You can actually find the combo to a lock in about 20 minutes, but being error prone, I fucked up the calculations and wasted an hour and a half cracking the lock with the wrong numbers. Finally cracking the combo at 4AM wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Whatever. I've saved me $5 by breaking this lock in myself. Fuck you MasterLock.

Crack source with extra tools

Felony Fights

I like watching a good fight. Through online videos, I can see any sort of fight I want, from professional million dollar matches to angst filled street fights. Most of the time, I can analyze the fight sequences and comment on interesting maneuvers, and I have only one thing to say about Felony Fights: "It Sucks".

They collect actual felons for underground matches, starting with introductions on crimes committed, and people killed, and such, and then let the felons brawl in remote outback locations. Usually the sequence is ugly, sloppy, and shamefully blunt. For people plastered with tattoos and other body art, they're surprisingly lacking in physical groove. Maybe they like shanks better. Techniques favored in boxing and wrestling, though common in street fights, rarely come into play in convict fights.

However, the felons do excel at voracious amounts of brutality and pride, producing a dull fight sequence but fierce shit talking (although terse and excessively low-brow) and very intense injuries. Mutilation generally isn't a big deal for hard cons with little to lose in life, and it's the part that the spectators favor most, flocking around the maimed and cawing like crows. The big winners are people that film and sell this series on black market, a great example of the mysterious entrepreneurship that powers the ghetto.

Visual Stimulation: 20%
Action Packing: 60%

InKeD 4 LyFe HoMiE pArT 2

Your host.

There have been urgent requests that I tone down the explicit nature of Inked 4 Lyfe Homie in future installments. This, sadly, is impossible. Skin is widely known to be not only the largest of bodily organs, but also the most horrifying. Skin secretes pure terror. Skin regulates the level of fear in the body. When the body detects a high level of revulsion in the body, the skin radiates it into the environment.

This is skin. It's fucking scary!!!

Pirate Abe

Yar har feedle dee dee
Buy a tattoo 'cause your body is free
If there's a tattoo on your arm of me
You are an asshole.

-Abe Lincoln

Cat Ass

Glad you really like cats, cause this is the last pussy you'll ever get
:3

Thank Yer Lucky Stars

I am completely baffled. My only guess is she likes the rear admiral...a lot



Feel Reborn


This is the most magical shit I've ever seen. Sorry, I got some dust in my eye. *sniff*



Snowman War


Fantastic. Except for one thing. There are no black snowmen.



Toucan Sam


Follow your nose...to the unwashed freakshow

These are all pretty scary, but if you want to pull a Picard and scream "NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAMMIT, NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" then here are some links to some truly horrifying "body modifications" that people evidently do on purpose.

WARNING: A bunch of this stuff is horrible for real. Don't click if you don't like to throw up

ModBlog "Explicit" Gallery!

Look for: A vagina ironed shut with piercings! NEAT!

ModBlog E X T R E M E Gallery!

Look for: Hi! I just TATTOOED MY FUCKING EYE BLUE (and went blind!!)

ModBlog Erotic Gallery!

Look for: Pictures of sex organs where they really should not be. Like on your face.

And a summary of today's post.