Time Warner Cable Hates Their $450

Man, look at that shitty stock. I'm no economist, but if I had to guess, perhaps what's eating into their profit margin is leaving $450 around wherever they go. How did I get this figure? I'll explain in 4 easy steps:

1. I move into a new apartment, TV signal is provided by Time Warner Cable.

2. When I move in, there is a cable box plugged into the wall, with cable locks at the cable connectors, preventing anyone from removing cable box or unscrewing it from the wall.

3. I plug in my TV to the cable box, and get no reception. I can access the channel guide, but there is no picture, just a big blue "NOT AUTHORIZED" sign.

4. With the only cable jack in the apartment locked in, there is no way to bypass the cable box. I call Time Warner Customer Service (big mistake).

After going through the maze of the automated customer service system, I finally get a rep to talk to. The following transcript is in no way altered from what really happened (I'm serious):

TWC Customer Service:
(Garbled voice)





Me:
Hello?






TWC Customer Service:

Buroshsdiwkghshhhsssccck........Weeelcome to Time Warner Cable can I interest you in one of our fine packages?



Me:
Uhh...I'm just having some trouble with my cable reception (I describe my situation).





TWC Customer Service:
(1 minute pause) Ohhhhh I see what's going on. The previous resident of that apartment moved out, and his cable box was deactivated.




Me:
So is there a way I can get it activated?






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, he forgot to return the cable box, those are $450 each.




Me:
......






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, $450. We'll need to pick that up.





Me:

Ok, but do I need a new box or anything?





TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, those boxes are $450. We need that back. You can just plug your TV directly into the wall.




Me:

Uhhhh, ok (we set up a time for them to pick up the box).






So the day finally arrives when the cable guy is supposed to come to my apartment, unlock the cable box from my wall, but HE NEVER SHOWS UP. So I'm sitting there pissed off thinking what a bitch it is going to be to call them up again, when I think about consulting the internet. Turns out, those fancy $450 cable boxes and their cable locks can be easily bypassed with toilet paper.


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I'm not going to admit to anything that incriminates myself, but let's just say this really works. And if Time Fucking Warner wants their $450 back, maybe I'm actually gone when they ring the doorbell, and maybe I'm not. Basically I don't give a shit except watching that stock fall.