Alpha Dog (2006)

This movie truly taught me what it means to be a wigger. I thought I was a pretty dope-ass whitey gangsta before, but after viewing this film I realized that I was, in fact, not at all gangsta but instead just another dumb whitey bitch. Justin Timberlake is truly the most schtraight up schtreet wigga ever to be seen on the silver screen, and his performance as a gangly, tatted up petty criminal in a gang of similar white suburban hoodlums truly gives me pause. I...give me a few seconds...I...I had something in my eye there dawg, but now I'm schtraight.

Redefining "annoying," Timberlake plays the most obnoxious of an obnoxious group of over-privileged white gangland wannabes, all following the dubious leadership of the "alpha dog," played by Leonardo DiCaprio (I think?) who's the son of an actual mobster, played by Bruce Willis. This movie is actually really good, but not if you're a pre-teen fangirl who rented the DVD just to get wet over Dicaprio and Timberlake running around calling their girlfriends bitches and being alpha dogs. If you are, you're probably not gonna enjoy the part when a speed-addled Neo Nazi takes a dump on DiCaprio's floor and he's too scared to do anything about it.

The Neo Nazi previously mentioned is one of the most brutal characters I've seen in a movie lately, a down on his luck drug addict who keeps having to go back to his parents for money because he owes DiCaprio and works for a telemarketing company. One day, he gets fired, quite rightly, for being a speed-addled Neo Nazi. Put yourself in this guy's shoes. Would you A: Attack your boss? B: Steal Gangster Leonardo DiCaprio's TV and take a dump on his floor? C: get high with your little brother after introducing him to your naked, tatted up Neo Nazi girlfriend? D: Drive recklessly on the sidewalk? E: Bust up parties by spin-kicking asian people into walls? or F: All of the above and much, much more? This guy knows how to have fun.

As the plot goes, DiCaprio and Timberlake decide to kidnap the Neo Nazi's little brother in a display of bad planning in order to possibly ransom him for whatever money they are owed. Instead of really kidnapping him, however, they mostly just hang out and do rich white people stuff like play video games and trim their parents' weed plants for their allowances. When it turns out that kidnapping might, in fact, be a federal crime, the alpha dog and his crew start to think up even more retarded ideas on how to avoid responsibility for their actions.

I give Alpha Dog the whitey wigger thumbs-up of approval, homey. This is the movie of the year that will make you say "What the fuck, So-Cal??"

The fuck you starin' at, nigga??

P.S. Turns out it's not DiCaprio, it's some guy named Emile Hirsch, but it's basically the same guy. Sorry to any pre-teen girls who were googling the words "DiCaprio" and "nude" or "nude pics of Leonardo DiCaprio" for a cheap thrill.