How to kill people.

Here is a handy guide on how to kill people. If you try to rat our blog out to the feds, remember, we wrote the guide.


Method A: Your bare fucking hands.

Yanking someone's eye out from its socket and repeatedly jamming your finger in the hole is effective, as is punching someone until they die. This is the most ancient method of killing people, and you can do it naked like your caveman ancestors did.

Method B: A rock.

A rock is easy to find and use, as long as you remember which end is the working end and which end is the standing end. When choosing between igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary rock, always remember that igneous rock can still be very hot when newly formed and metamorphic rock takes a long fucking time to make.

Method C: Drive over them with an 18 wheeler.

Easy to do if you have one, but you'll need a class A license with air brake endorsement first or you're liable to kill yourself instead. Cement trucks are good for hiding evidence under a slab of concrete.

Method D: Hire a hitman.

Preferably one with a number instead of a name. This is a good method if you're rich and lazy.

Method E: A hammer.

Stop! A good, hefty hammer will do wonders against someone's skull. Combine with nails for a ranged attack.

Method F: Eat his children.

If you take his or her genes out of the gene pool, it's almost as good as killing them for real.

Method G: I don't fucking know, light them on fire or something.

May require petrol.

Method H: Bury them alive.

Use sand or dirt, not plastic balls from Chuck E Cheese (you retard.)

Method I: Sonic cannon.

Use it to vibrate their bones right out of their body. Sonic cannons don't exist yet but they will.

Method J: Specially engineer a virus to attack their body and theirs alone.

Requires a lot of effort just to get some guy you hate sick. If you fuck up then you doom humanity. Don't be that guy.

Method K: Kill them in the matrix.

Their brain will overload and they'll have a fatal seizure in RL.

Method L: Freeze every water molecule in their body.

The opposite of setting them on fire. Only works if it's your mutant power because they haven't invented the freeze ray yet either.

Method M: Poison.

Good if you're into guile and mystery, but if you drink out of the wrong glass you're fucked.

Method N: Spiders!

Holy fuck you're evil.

Method O: Death by sex machine.

Didn't work in Barbarella but it might work for you. Maybe they needed more spikes.

Method P: Bees.

Got something deadly to say? Say it with bees. Try tossing their precious honey all over your target. Bees are easy to fool.

Method Q: Flush them out into the vacuum of space.

Works only against Americans, Soviets and Chinese. Especially the Chinese.

Method R: High velocity sniper rifle.

Be the killer your momma always knew you could be. You might need a ghillie suit and a desperate need for the pink mist.

Method S: Fiber wire.

Garroting and the Guillotine are methods both invented by the French, both involving the neck. The neck is the most sensual part of the human body...Napoleon knew this, and he was a genius in killing.

Method T: Suicide bomb.

This is actually a pretty good way to get yourself killed in the process. Also called homicide bombs if you want to sound like an idiot. Bonus: If you use this method, you'll appear on Liveleak.

Method U: Inter-continental ballistic missile.

Requires the help of at least one scientist, but it makes it pretty hard to fuck up your plan. If your hair starts falling out, you're doing it wrong.

Method V: The electric chair.

This method is stupid and outdated. If you accidentally shock them twice, you might accidentally bring them back to life, stronger than before. And you have to throw a big switch on the wall like a cartoon or something...god who even invented this.

Method W: Gas! Gas! Gas!

Take yourself back to the glory days of World War I, where deadly gases were tossed back and forth like candy. This method requires you to know how to check for wind direction.

Method X: Sword.

Swords will fucking cut you wide open. This may appeal to LARPers and medieval re-enactment fags the most, as you can pretend you're in the dark ages and scream "what ho!" as you stab away. Swords are easy to trace back to the culprit by CSI specialists, since no one uses them anymore. Guns cannot deflect bullets. Laser swords do not exist (and never will.)

Method Y: Chainsaw.

Chainsaws are little bitches to start, and when they finally do they'll most likely jam up or run out of bar oil or something while you're trying to get the job done. If you don't treat a chainsaw with the utmost care and compassion, it will die on you before your victim does. Remember to dog into the chest and call out your back cut, make sure to leave enough holding flesh and make sure the body falls in the right direction, or else you might end up crushing yourself.

Method Z: Your method here!

While this list is a pretty complete and nearly-perfect guide on how to kill people, there are a few of you out there who manage to come up with great methods of your own. Feel free to make your own guide if you think you're so special, or perhaps even email them to someone who cares, like the Marines.