Let's destroy the Internet.

Some of our best scientists from around the world, working in secrecy and corresponding over relatively outdated telegraph and carrier pigeon comm lines have come up with a plan that may save humanity. Populations are exploding, the environment is suffering and world health is in shambles. What can we do to destroy the underlying cause of all these problems?

Dive into the heart of the internet. And kill it.

Kill it with a virus, kill it by shutting off the infrastructure, kill it with denial of service attacks and through destruction of the telecom system. Either way, the internet as we know it will end.

But does it stop there?



No way! These same scientists are proposing we make an entirely NEW Internet, probably dubbed Internet 9.0 by this point, which sports a better infrastructure, a better-planned system of checks and balances and, more importantly, better control of how important information is relayed from the world-wide infoweb to your computing box.

What does this mean to you? Well, here's how things are probably going to be in the next 10-15 years while scientist and internet engineers create the new World Wide Web.



1. Porn will be strictly monitored and overseen by advanced supercomputers which document new porn sites and filter out those that do not comply with the newer, stricter internet porn standards. For example, granny porn and child porn will be filtered so that you don't get one while trying to search for the other.


2. All of your weblogs will be erased, as well as all the sites that support user-generated content. All of these sites, such as YouTube and Myspace, will be relayed to one, big site called www2.webspace.com, which is maintained by the Department of the Interior. You get to put all of the content you desire on a simple, bland text document and upload it for others to view. If you want to attach a .pdf or a .wav file to your new blog, you will find your net-taxes sharply raised.



3. What's a net-tax? Simple. How much you pay in taxes is based not only on your marital status and income, it's now based on how much stupid crap you put on the internet. Every movie clip you make of yourself acting like a retard in front of a webcam takes up valuable space on the New Internet, and the New Internet doesn't like to put up with your bullshit. Even if you're a loser who works at Chipotle to pay for his marijuana and internet habits, guess what? Now you're paying 80% of your minimum-wage to the Federal Government (the best kind) to help maintain the internet you so love and also to fight childhood obesity.



4. No internet phenomenons. The New Internet doesn't stand for that bullshit. Anything approaching the level of viral video or site is treated as a virus that the immune system of the New Internet must destroy as soon as possible. If the Tubgirl pic or All Your Base or Hamsterdance or Zombo.com you upload to the net starts getting attention and infecting other valuable citizens, it is automatically deleted and your internet will be terminated. You personally will also be treated as a diseased individual and you will find it hard to land a job that has any sort of background check.


5. Any online computer game that involves interacting with other individuals in an online fantasy environment will be strictly illegal. This basically means that South Korea will have to invent its own special Internet so that their economy doesn't collapse. Productivity of American workers will increase by about 16% as people whose lives would otherwise be wasted turn their attentions instead to either industry or suicide.


I am excited and enthralled at the possibilities of the New Internet, and therefore invite all of you to prepare for this second (or ninth) coming of the World Wide Web. This is some serious Noah's Flood shit going on and you better be ready to sink or swim.