Doom(2005)

"RRTS Special Ops clearance verified. Handle ID: raper."
Oh for christ sake. Why is there a demand of movies like this? Ranked among other Rock favorites like The Scorpion King and The Mummy Returns, this is another peculiar movie designed to entertain the bottom feeders of society. The story was off-base and didn't even adhere to the Doom paradigm since he wasn't fighting portal monsters, and the acting was completely amateur. Watch Doom and you can expect no satisfaction, no closure, no nostalgia. Just a fuckfest on Mars with space marines wielding talking guns and The Rock intermittently spewing out bastardized lines like, "Use extreme prejudice??". He actually used that line in the form of a question. Fuck.

It cuts off to in-game screenplay of the Doom3 FPS near the end, showing how to effectively use the chainsaw while strafing.
There is so much that is wrong with this movie, whether from the Doom fan perspective, or the sci-fi dogma, even in the character dev of The Rock. To begin with, you're not supposed to be able to dodge the BFG shot. Then theres the whole first person view section of the movie. I got a good laugh outta that. File this piece of shit movie in the ironic comedy section.

Visual Stimulation: 60% (fun to watch)
Acting Talent: 10%
Adherance to Doom FPS: 0/10
Really Stupid Cinematography Award
Watch it here

DOOM (2005)

Let me just say that I never got to see the end of this movie. I didn't NEED to. I know what happens in the end...the main character kills the Rock, rappels down to the surface of Hell and lobs some rockets at the Idol of Sin. Hell is destroyed (you wonder where bad people go when they die now) and a portal opens back to Earth.




NOT.

What the fuck went wrong with this film? Tragically, it altered the fundamental tenets of the DOOM series, turning the original premise which was dark, innovative and unique into something as banal and routine as possible. And it starred the Rock. I hope the producers liked tossing their cash into the swirling toilet that was this film.

Setting the tone of how this movie SHOULD have been, here's the back story from the original DOOM manual

You're a marine, one of Earth's toughest, hardened in combat and trained for action. Three years ago, you assaulted a superior officer for ordering his soldiers to fire upon civilians. He and his body cast were shipped to Pearl Harbor, while you were transferred to Mars, home of the Union Aerospace Corporation.

The UAC is a multi-planetary conglomerate with radioactive waste facilities on Mars and its two moons, Phobos and Deimos. With no action for fifty million miles, your day consisted of suckin' dust and watchin' restricted flicks in the rec room.

For the last four years the military, UAC's biggest supplier, has used the remote facilities on Phobos and Deimos to conduct various secret projects, including research on inter-dimensional space travel. So far they have been able to open gateways between Phobos and Deimos, throwing a few gadgets into one and watching them come out the other. Recently however, the Gateways have grown dangerously unstable. Military "volunteers" entering them have either disappeared or been stricken with a strange from of insanity - babbling vulgarities, bludgeoning anything that breathes, and finally suffering an untimely death of full-body explosion. Matching heads with torsos to send home to the folks became a full-time job. Latest military reports state that the research is suffering a small set-back, but everything is under control.

A few hours ago, Mars received a garbled message from Phobos. "We require immediate military support. Something fraggin' evil is coming out of the Gateways! Computer systems have gone berserk!" The rest was incoherent. Soon afterwards, Deimos simply vanished from the sky. since then, attempts to establish contact with either moon have been unsuccessful.

You and your buddies, the only combat troop for fifty million miles were sent up pronto to Phobos. You were ordered to secure the perimeter of the base while the rest of the team went inside. For several hours, your radio picked up the sounds of combat: guns firing, men yelling orders, screams, bones cracking, then finally, silence Seems your buddies are dead.

It's Up To You

Things aren't looking too good. You'll never navigate off the planet on your own. Plus, all the heavy weapons have been taken by the assault team leaving you with only a pistol. If only you could get your hands around a plasma rifle or even a shotgun you could take a few down on your way out. Whatever killed your buddies deserves a couple of pellets in the forehead. Securing your helmet, you exit the landing pod. Hopefully you can find more substantial fire power somewhere within the station.

As you walk through the main entrance of the base, you hear animal-like growls echoing throughout the distant corridors. They know you're here. There's no turning back now.

This might put it all in perspective.
Here's the overall plot of the DOOM series:



1. Scientists on Mars and its moons create teleporter technology. They accidentally open a gateway into Hell, allowing the evil to spill out into our world.
2. The evil transforms everyone and everything in the vicinity to further resemble Hell.
3. One surviving Space Marine traverses this altered landscape in order to destroy as much as he can in a suicidal frenzy.
4. Managing to miraculously kill the most powerful creatures on Deimos and Phobos, he then proceeds to rappel down to the surface of Hell itself.
5. Making his way through this dimension of torment itself, he puts a rocket right between the eyes of the epicenter of Hell, the Idol of Sin, destroying it and freeing himself.
6 (66). A portal opens up on Earth itself, transforming it into a new Hell. Bunnies die.



Here's the plot of the Doom movie.

1. Scientists make a base on Mars. They build it on ancient alien burial grounds, inviting trouble.
2. After injecting themselves with alien DNA, humans start transforming into monsters.
3. The Rock and his buddies grab some talking guns and jump through a portal to Mars.
4. After getting mostly wiped out and transformed into creatures, one monster gets through the portal back to Earth. Humans are transformed into yet more creatures on the other side. The Rock finds a big fucking gun.
5. A supporting actor becomes the "good guy" who refuses to kill civilians. He gets injected with alien DNA by his sister that turns him into a super hero and allows him to kill in first-person perspective.
6. He kung-fu fights the Rock who's become a mutant, dodges a BFG blast, saves humanity (possibly, I never saw the ending), avenges his dead parents.


Here's some more contrasting between the two mediums

Ultimate Weapon

DOOM the game
Big Fucking Gun 9000
Doom the Movie
BFG = Bio Force Gun
Advantage: DOOM

Characters and motivations:

DOOM the game
Everyone except you is dead. You gotta kill demons.
Doom the Movie
Multiple and varied, including avenging dead parents and having sex with white women.
Advantage: Doom the Movie


Main Bad Guy

DOOM the game
Cyberdemon
Doom the Movie The Rock (and whatever he's cookin')
Advantage: DOOM


Dilemma

DOOM the Game
Hell itself and all its demons just walked into ur base, started killin ur doods
Doom the Movie
We injected ourselves with Alien DNA, now we are zombies. Gaggghhh
Advantage: DOOM



This is nothing but a perversion of a brilliant work of art. Maybe porting good games over to movie form is perversion in itself, I don't know. You're basically giving up the position of the main character in the drama and are instead giving that title over to the Rock, who I don't think is qualified to scratch his own 'nads, never mind star in a movie.

The Fountain(2006)

"Death is a disease, it's like any other. And there's a cure. A cure - and I will find it."
Surrealist films. A story full of things that don't make sense, rejected as bad filmmaking by most, is actually a series of related events weakly linked into an intricate design. Like watching the development of a dream, the plot weaves around on a whim. The story is cyclical and not linear, flowing circuitously around intangible objects like ideas, desires, and existance. The story is molded spiritually, existing only in your mentation.
To achieve such an effect, surrealist media relys heavily on magnificent imagery, especially the horrific or paradoxial. Unusual sound effects must be employed to dissolve barriers of time and place. Facets of life, usually highly traumatic, are played out on this stage.

"Our bodies are prisons for our souls. Our skin and blood, the iron bars of confinement. But fear not. All flesh decays. Death turns all to ash. And thus, death frees every soul."
This film uses all of those. Centered around the theme of accepting mortality, The Fountain shows mankind suffering the loss that accompanies the failure to preserve life in different settings that are thousands of years apart. What you see will largely be determined by your mood. If your day is uneventfull or lends to peace and quiet, this movie will show you things you didn't think existed. If instead, you have a midterm in 5 hours or you're about to go clubbing, you'll probably just see Hugh Jackman doing some wierd stuff.

Visual Stimulation: 85%
Logic and Sense: NR
Acting Talent: 80% (not bad)

Guide to Botting: Illegal Automation for Profit and Amusement

Make your computer work for you by employing bots. In online games, botting is accomplished by scripting, a process that repetitively carrys out a series of tasks. Applied to an HTML form, hackers have shown that they can effortlessly create hundreds of accounts or aliases through form scripts. Mail scripts are responsible for all that spam that shows up in email boxes. But simple scripts can also serve as game hacks in aiming bots or farming bots. This is how they work.

Pixel bot. It scans the screen for items of interest and clicks or maybe presses a few keys. This interesting item could be a certain pixel color, a pattern, or some text. This bot makes it possible for people to aim really fast or target mobs, and it requires no file modification. Because all it does is control your mouse and keyboard, it does not directly interact with the game and is hard to detect.

Packet bot.The best bots out there are all packet bots. These interact with the program by modifying the executable file to disable anti-hacking defeneses. Then it "sniffs" the packet traffic between the game client and the server and intercepts the information to analyze the game environment and return altered packets to the server.
SERVER <----> PACKETBOT <----> GAME CLIENT
However, it is not difficult for admins to detect the packet editing activity of these programs. Packetbots are also a bit more difficult to obtain as development teams tend to keep them private.

Texture editing.When an object is shown on your screen, your computer is doing the work, not the server. Therefore, you can alter the appearance of the game world by altering the files that draw them through Hex Editing. Hit the right code in the .pk2 file and you can change the color of a graphic skin to pitch black or bright pink. The sprays in CS are editable textures. Nude patches are texture modifications. Turn your team mates into rabbits. Turn your pet into an end boss. Hex editing is mostly done for fun, but can also increase botting efficiency or warp object size(like ballooning a person's head) for easier clicking or headshotting. You can also impersonate GM's with this modification, and sow chaos by going around telling people that they will be banned.

Multiclient. Run a dozen instances of the game on the same computer and you can increase gold farming profit margins. This can also be used to aid in server crashing as has been done in Second Life. See that crowd of people all running around in unison? That's a multiclient.

The phenomenon known as the "bot line", a completely stochastic convergance of bots following the same programming, causing them to move in unison and creating a train effect. Multiclient can occasionally create this effect as well.


Spam bot. You'll see them everywhere, spamming advertisements or insults in the public channels. They're competitive as well, often sabotaging each other to make thier announcements come out on top. They can also be used for channel jamming, through rapid and continuous output of text messges. Just remember that if you complain that they're annoying, your protest falls on deaf ears.

With these tools, all but the most prized and GM-policed games can become a circus for your pleasure. The online world is YOUR HOUSE

Gandahar (1988)

I'll tell you this much: If you like either rotoscoping, weird alien worlds or lots of tits, then you are in for a hell of a ride!

Gandahar is apparently a French animated movie, also called "Light Years," (which makes no sense in relation to the plot). It involves a civilization called Gandahar on an alien world where hippie aliens live in a socialist wonderland, living in harmony with the world's plants and animals. Sounds good? It gets better. While the Gandaharians have chosen to forgo advanced technology in favor of living in a sustainable environment, their women have also chose to forgo wearing shirts.



All's going well until one day, when black-plated metal men who shoot lazers that turn things into stone start invading.


The queen (Glen Close with wings coming out of her head) sends her moron son to scout out the area and, if possible, solve the whole problem by himself. Gee, thanks Mom. Of course, he gets turned into stone pretty quickly, but soon after he gets locked into a metal egg with a cute blue girl in a loincloth with no shirt on, which is when the REAL adventures start!

Eventually, they find out that the real culprit behind the metal men is...oh I just can't say.

It's a secret. I don't want to give out spoilers.

Ok I give up, it's a giant COCK HEAD.


Only a giant dickhead would want to destroy a utopia full of free and happy tits!

Even in the Mad Max-like badlands where all the horrible mutants live, tits thrive freely...even more freely than they would normally...


It's actually very interesting to see how the French animate tits on strange mutant women. Multiple tits! A tit on an arm! Tits with eyes instead of nipples!

The movie is, thankfully (if only temporarily) up on YouTube, so catch it while you can. I've put up the best clips (ie, the ones with the most tits), so enjoy! Straight women and gay men can just fast forward to the Cock Head clip.


Welcome to tit-topia. Even the Capitol building is stacked.



Meet the half-naked blue hottie. Also, dig the tongue action.



Meet COCK HEAD. Women always think that we use our penises instead of our brains while making bad decisions. Here's what happens when you give a cock head godhood...the penis is truly evil after all.



Defending Gandahar from the black people. Mutants cast Psychic Storm.



The final battle.



Note: As soon as you see GG, it's over and nothing else happens.

Nazis: The Occult Conspiracy(1998)

"The blood of the people carries the soul of the race."
Another sensational Nazi documentary. This was so boring that midway through it, I decided to play GTA San Andreas instead, completely forgetting about the video and allowing the monotonic audio to play on as I took CJ to Binco.
This A&E documentary describes the Nazi facsination with ancient pagean religion and lore. Apparently, a stern belief in teutonic mysticism compelled Nazis to pursue eugenics, and it was ritualistic religion that made them swear loyalty to Hitlerism. It seems that throughout the Nazi reign, they devoted curiously large resources towards occult research and the recovery of lost gothic artifacts. Some Nazi officers were even keen on believing that since they were the decendents of gods, they should have superhuman powers in perception and prognostication as well.

An Aryan breeding pool. One of many spawning facilities where pureblood people were farmed.
How ridiculous is that? It's the stuff you except to see in a mental hospital. Hell, it's not really so bad. This is America. I've seen crazier shit. Overall, this documentary is second rate, and that's why it roams freely on the internet, catering to anyone twisted enough to listen. Here it is on Google Video.

Visual Stimulation: 35%
Voice Acting Talent: 50%
Logic and Sense: 45%

Horray for space shuttle ATL

Atlanta's mission patch. Dirty souf, nigga!

Today marked the launch of yet another thing into outer space, this time it was full of dudes and not full of space robots. Shoving it into the face of the Chinese space program, the USA sent its newest advanced space capsule "Atlanta" into the terrifying beyond.

Welcome to the future.

Built in remembrance of Sherman's bloody march through Atlanta in the 1860's, NASA's latest shuttle is a complex system of ultra-modern computers and thrust-vectored dynamic flight engineering. The shuttle itself is nuclear powered, feeding the three energy-hungry ion engines that give it thrust. The shuttle crew hopes to reach Mercury within two weeks. After that comes the much talked-about mission to re-ignite the Sun, which has plunged Earth in a solar winter in the past month.

Space Shuttle Atlanta gettin' hyhpy on the hood of a Boeing 747

We all wish our comrades a safe journey and a quick return. We can expect China to be watching these proceedings with great interest with their orbiting spy-cameras. Bootleg versions of Atlanta are expected to appear in Dalian and Shenzhen within the next few days.

Made by peasants for pennies on the dollar.

Epic Quad Battle

Every year on the last day of class, a couple hundred people get together and have a brawl with foam noodles and things in the central quad. It's a big mock battle that people stage on a whim. The Epic Quad Battle is the last entertaining thing to do before the year ends and is also a big dress-up event (crusader costumes and foam weapons).

This year, Spartan warriors challenged the barbarian horde at the hot gates of the east quad. Few stood against many. They did what they were trained to do, what they were bred to do, what they were born to do. The cardboard shields were heavy and their helmets stifling. Water balloons partially blotted out some sunlight. The roar of the frat boy that organized it was long and loud, giving testament to their proud upper-middle class ancestory.
After the battle concluded, Leonidas and his 30 men went home and feasted hearty in the Segundo Dining Center, for that night he dined in the Segundo DC a second time during the dinner serving. Glorious.

I found a couple of Spartan shields next to the trash can. Disgraceful. SPARTAN!! RETURN WITH YOUR SHIELD, OR ON IT.

I, Robot(2004)

"Blablabla Robots, blablabla OH hell noes."
Newsweek magazine says that Will Smith is the best actor in Hollywood today. He has top marks in everything, grosses in the billions, and his kid looks decent.
The content of I,Robot can be described as a standard Will Smith flick. He talks tough, shoots stuff, and drives something that looks expensive, and as usual, his dickbag boss is trying to keep him down. Humans get beat up and robots rise to power. To the disappointment of most scifi and cyberpunk fans; however, the story of I, Robot was very much unlike the robomecha story by Issac Asimov and contains mostly "fuck shit piss" scenes and rapid robotic hand-to-hand combat. Basically, it's dumbed down for the masses.

This movie, as far as originality goes, barely resembles the real "I, Robot". In fact, it's a perversion so far as cyberpunk is concerned, so what's the point of tacking on this complete misnomer? This really should have been titled "Will Smith works out and eats breakfast in a movie again" and cut the bullshit.

Visual Stimulation: 90%
Acting Talent:70%
Logic and Sense: 60%
Plausability: 4/10
Adherence to cyberpunk ideology: 20%