Marines are Fucking Idiots

You heard me, Corporal, your outfit is nothing more than a bunch of fuck-ups and retards.


Let's back up, soldier, and get to the science behind the fact that marines are fucking idiots. To do this, we'll have to look into the profiles and practices of each of the armed services of our glorious Union, all of whom are sworn to kill everyone in the name of freedom. By the way, this isn't just hippie "oh my god they nuke babies" or "overthrow the government because they ticket me for speeding" bullshit. Like I said...it's science!





United States Marine Corps:

Featured Films: Flags of our Fathers, A Thin Red Line, Jarhead, Full Metal Jacket, A Few Good Men

Featured Wars: WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Gulf War I, Gulf War II

Basic Strategy: (Marine Corps mission statement, verbatim: "Locate, fix and destroy the enemy with small arms fire." Basically: Shoot dem.)

Marines of note: R. Lee "Gunny" Ermey (Mail Call, Full Metal Jacket), Rodger Young (WWII Pacific Edition)

Intelligence Level: Minimal. Able to walk and perform simple tasks. Must be open to simple, repetitive teaching.

Unreal Tournament Kill desire rating: LUDICROUS KILL

IQ to muscle ratio: 2/9

Notable Quotes: "THIS IS MY RIFLE. THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE'S MINE."





United States Army:

Featured Films: Saving Private Ryan, Patton, In the Army Now, Stripes

Featured Wars: Civil War, Spanish American War, WWI, WWII, Afghanistan

Basic Strategy: Get the best gun in the map and camp.

Army Men of Note: Colin Powell??, that guy who killed like 100 germans in WWII

Intelligence Level: Below Average. Must be able to do paperwork. Must be able to drive a truck.

Unreal Tournament Kill Desire Rating: U L T R A K I L L

IQ to Muscle ratio: 1/3

Notable Quotes: "PICK UP THAT GUN, BLIGH! PICK UP THAT GUN AND FIGHT!"



United States Navy:

Featured Films: Tora! Tora! Tora!, The Final Countdown, Crimson Tide

Featured Wars: War of 1812, Civil War, WWI, WWII

Basic Strategy: Bombard, Torpedo, Avoid turning gay for 6 months

Navy Men of Note: Admiral Nimitz, Popeye

Intelligence Level: Average. Must be able to swim. Must be able to load really big guns. Must be able to tie a lot of knots. Must be able to be amuse oneself in the middle of the ocean for half a year surrounded by men.

Unreal Tournament Kill Desire Rating: Multikill!

IQ to muscle ratio. 2/3

Notable Quotes: "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!! *explosions*"



United States Air Force:

Featured Films: Stealth, Top Gun, Iron Eagle I, II, III, IV, Firefox (i think)

Featured Wars: Korea, Vietnam, Bosnia, Gulf War I, Gulf War II

Basic Strategy: Bombs away!

Air Force Men of Note: Tom Cruise, Chuck Yeager

Intelligence Level: Above Average. Must be able to pilot an advanced multi-million dollar aircraft at super-sonic speeds, use sophisticated targeting systems, dogfight, memorize the manual for 20 airplanes, possibly be an astronaut

Unreal Tournament Kill Desire Rating: Megakill!!

IQ to muscle ratio: 2/1

Notable Quotes: "Bogey on my six! I CAN'T SHAKE HIM!"




As is scientifically proven, marines are definitely the idiots of the bunch. Their primary goal is basically to kill and possibly die in the line of duty. That's all well and good if we send them to Iraq...but what about when they get laid off and try to survive in the "real" world?

Basically the best thing that ever happened in any marine's life was...they were a marine! HOO RAH. Never will they let you forget their involvement in the corps. If you ever meet one, you will be subjected to graphic stories of how they once shot a guy through the neck...or even worse, become so pent-up with rage at never having killed anyone that they will become all psycho and weird, maybe even writing a book about how they were never given the opportunity to shoot a brown person.


Marines will generally gravitate towards other suitably dangerous lines of work, such as policework, firefighting, the circus, or even just an office job that took pity on them. No matter what they do, they will always continue to be goddamn marines. Every day you will be subjected to cadences, gruesome stories, off-color ethnic jokes, death threats, mimed grenade tosses, and annoyingly gung-ho entreaties to do push-ups.



If you ever have the misfortune of being the employee (or, god help you, the boss) of a marine, here are some things I've learned over the years that you can use:

*Marines like push-ups. However, if you try to punish a Marine with push-ups, they will get emotional and threaten to kill you. Hopefully the cop you call isn't also an ex-marine, because he will just say "hoo-rah!" and shoot you before planting a Tec-9 on you.

*Marines respond well to cursing. The more you curse and the filthier your mouth is, the more they feel like they're back in The Suck and will become slightly pacified.

*Marines love having their will totally dominated by another. Taking orders and being punished is second nature to them. However, this only works if you yourself are ex-military or have some sort of rank that you can use against them. You can try to trick them, but they will eventually find out and try to kill you.

*If you ever find a Girl marine, you are an incredibly unfortunate individual. They are so annoying it's impossible to describe. A girl trying to act tough and getting in your face R. Lee Ermey-style is pretty ridiculous, especially since, well, she is just a girl. "A GIRL THAT COULD KICK YER ASS!!!" a fellow marine would say. No, the girls that could kick my ass can't pass Marine physical training because they're huge lesbians with biceps like canteloupes and stubble and I have spent long hours training to run faster than these individuals. Either that or they're in the WNBA and they're too successful to be Marines, you idiots.



That's about all I have to say about Marines. My only mistake was choosing a career path that forces me to interact with so many of them (not pounding rivets into things or being a soup-line attendant, if that's what you were wondering). Hopefully no marine will ever read this and figure out where I live, because half the fun of marines is that they're unbalanced retards who were told a few too many times that killing was their purpose. The only way to deal with a person like that is to get a job doing something that requires actual thought and basic English skills, in which case you'll probably never meet a Marine in your life.