Soundboard Prank Calls Are Really Hard: A Lesson In Failure

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Miss Cleo. Dr. Phil. With these great soundboards, and many others, prankers all over the world have created a vast body of work that sets the gold standard for all soundboard prank calls. Having entertained me for years, I was inspired to add my own page to the growing collection of masterpieces hosted on ebaums world. With the development of Skype, an internet phone calling program and a $1 microphone I bought from eBay, I had all the tools I needed to begin what I hoped would turn out to be my magnum opus.

With an eager heart, I started off my journey with the time-tested Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboards. Truly, there is no better soundboard that offers the versatility and comedic factor of Arnold. From "Do it now!" to "My CPU is a neural-net processor", to "Fuck you, asshole", Arnold is equipped for any situation. And these were funny even before he ran for governor. When you get to the heart of it, Arnold is the true origin of the modern soundboard. Arnold influenced the soundboard prank call just as Tolkien influenced the fantasy novel.

That said, here are the results of hours upon hours of work:
WARNING: Most of these aren't really that funny, and some are quite long.

To start things off as a warm up, I called up some raving psychotic. This guy was truly nuts:



Next up is Papa Murphy's at Westgate West, a struggling Bay Area pizza store that I felt could use a little more misery. Never get a pizza from them, as they sell it to you extremely undercooked, almost as if they didn't even put it in an oven. I actually had to use my real cell phone for this one, as Skype wouldn't get through:



This next one is a call to a random household in Dixon, CA. By this time I was running out of ideas for places to call so I just opened up the phone book and started with "A. Anderson". This one really goes nowhere:



Another call to the unwashed hicks in Dixon. Don't ever go there, the place will just make you depressed:



Then Alex got the idea of calling up some kind of punk rocker store or something, I really forget what this was. The only good part was that I got a belligerent response:



This next one was very serious as I was almost labeled as an enemy combatant by the Department of Homeland Security and shipped off to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, a place of marines and Code Reds, and where the truth cannot be handled. Alex gave me the idea that we should call up Indian gaming casinos and accuse them of not paying their fair share. Admittedly, I went too far with this one, but this was at the end of the day and I was discouraged by the poor quality of calls I had been making. A week later, a police detective came by my apartment to arrest me. His name was John Kimball.



The next recorded call was several weeks later. I got the idea of calling up computer stores to talk about my CPU processor and how I was a cybernetic organism. I think this was my best one, if there is a best:



That about does it. Keep in mind these calls that I recorded were only a few out of the hundreds of calls I actually made. The most important thing I learned through this experience was that:

Soundboard prank calls are really, really, really hard to pull off successfully.

The two main reasons why it's so hard:

1. Most people have a low capacity for bullshit. Most people hang up within 1-2 seconds of hearing Arnold's voice. Perhaps it's the accent, the poor sound quality, for whatever reason, nobody wanted to talk.

2. Lack of funny conversation. Even if I did get someone talking, most of the time they would be in stunned silence or go "What? Huh?" Perhaps I should some placed in the deep south or Manhattan to get a really angry guy.

Now I understand why the prank call list on ebaums is relatively short. I cannot imagine the hardship of the unsung heroes who created such classics as the Gator Lodge call, or the Chinese restaurant call. I'd try again, but Skype ended their free calling service, and I guess that ends my efforts. I suppose it's for the better, as making all those calls was eating away at my soul.