Still looks hot enough to me. Can we go home now?
Ok, so I was at the movies with a buddy of mine. I wanted to watch Clint Eastwood's Iwo Jima movie, probably thanks to an unhealthy obsession with Day of Defeat and Company of Heroes. My friend, however, is fruitier than I am and plays World of Warcraft, so we inevitably went to see Labyrinth of Pan to suit his desire to watch faeries and shit cavort around the screen. Ok, maybe I'm just being a dick, and there were a lot of fascists killing people with Lugers in the film as well, so I guess everyone went home happy.
Dagger of Pan gives +1 to Dex
The real draw, however, was one of the previews we saw before the movie. Here is the trailer for "Sunshine," right here, in all its shiny glory.
Ok, open up with the classic dilemma: Our sun is dying. Well, that's cool and all but...wait, WHAT THE FUCK?? SHIT!! OH SHIT!!! OH WE ARE FUCKING DEAD OH FUUUCKK!!
Seriously, you can NOT beat that for a dilemma. Anyone who doesn't realize that the sun going out is a very very bad thing for them is probably the same kind of person who thinks global warming is hippie propaganda that will probably never affect their lives. This same kind of person can be found weeping on cable TV wondering why the ocean took their house and also why they're trapped in a flooded city full of black people.
When I first watched this and got to the part where he says he's going to re-ignite the sun I had crazy flashbacks to a horrible old film from 1990 that I saw when I was a teenager. I was sitting there in the darkened theatre literally choking because I thought it was gonna be a re-make of "Solar Crisis."
Solar Crisis (which cost 55 million to make) was pure Mystery Science Theatre fodder, part Mad Max but mostly an obvious rip-off of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It is in my recollection the only film that combined the character of HAL with an enormous antimatter bomb. These scientists, in order to prevent the sun from sending out "Mega-Flares" that will fry the planet, are on a mission to bitch-slap it with some kind of super bomb that they have for no apparent reason given computerized sentience in an outstanding display of bad planning. The movie basically has scenes of them talking one-on-one with the bomb during the trip, trying to convince it that its existence is in fact not meaningless and please do not go suicidal and detonate yourself before we reach the sun. Oh yeah, and the bomb's name is Freddy. Oh yeah, and they obviate the necessity for Freddy to have sentience when they shoot him at the sun at point-blank range. And again when they send someone to die with him as a kamikaze pilot.
I kind of understand their ridiculous reasoning, though. When your sun's about to kill all life on the planet, you make goddamn sure the bomb that saves the solar system is going exactly where you want it to go.
I'm gonna getttt youuuu...
But this movie is, unfortunately (?), not a Solar Crisis remake, and is instead the latest effort by the guy who made the shit movie Trainspotting and the fast-zombie movie 28 Days Later.
Flash Zombie from 28-days later eats Spider-Man
The entire preview seems to indicate that these scientists are having problems with the fact that the sun is really really really really hot and dangerous to even attempt to approach. This isn't a small fuck-up like accidentally touching a hot stove element. This is like "hey guys, the sun's going out so we better land on it and see what's what" fuck-up material. I don't know what the hell you're gonna do when you get close to the sun, but here's what I think is going to happen at the movie's end. They die.
If I was gonna fly this ship into the sun, I would totally do both asian girls the night before.
So if, in fact, the Sun does manage to run out of fuel despite our best scientists' predictions and start fusing Oxygen into Carbon and turning red and expanding and messing up the daily grind here on Earth, I just want to say that at least we shot off a few spaceships with pictures of naked humans on the front of it so the aliens can find where we're buried (under tons and tons of ice) and hopefully put our frozen corpses in the Interstellar Museum for Loser Civilizations. Unless you have a bunch of spare hydrogen lying around, the sun ain't gonna care what you do to it because it is, after all, really really big and on fire all the time whether you like it or not.
Hi. We're humans. Our sun exploded. Please don't mock our naughty bits.
20 comments:
Based on the information provided here, I find it highly unlikely that the sunlight female crew compliment is asian. At least one is Latin; maybe both. The movie would've been a lot better if they had Jackie Chan on the ship. No, i take that back, put Carlos Mencia on the ship as doing so would gaurantee a good ending with him making stupid and irrelevant comments as his flesh is vaporized by ionizing radiation. Oh and, shit who drew that human anatomy diagram uggh couldnt they have picked a lower age group to draw like <45.
Yes exactly, in some moments I can phrase that I agree with you, but you may be in the light of other options.
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