A Day Without a Mexican(2004)

"Chinga tu madre, puto"
Damn this movie is boring. The entirety is pretty much a dull drama and a bunch of people complaining about the Mexicans that magically dissapeared. Some people are happy to be rid of them, while others miss them. They feel an emptiness in thier hearts and they wish for their hispanic celebrities and fruit pickers to come back. At some point, the story makes a concerted effort to say, "Hey, Mexicans should be treated like human beings rather than some stereotypic novelty!" and some plight is shoveled on. They also try to correct the common misconception that all illegal immigrants are from Mexico, because they're from the whole of South America.
When the Mexicans magically come back, everyone loves them, even the criminal murderers and the ones that got caught sneaking in. This is bullshit. For perspective, the film is asking you the viewer how you would personally suffer if there were no Mexicans to support California. The first thing that crossed my mind was that the ridiculously absurd "Warning Warning Educated Latina" T-shirt might be fortuitously erased from existance.

Acting Talent: 30% (completely amature)
Visual Stimulation: 20% (bland)
Logic and Sense: 0% (dosen't even make an effort)
Adrenal Stimulation: 0%

Treasure Planet (2002)

Ok, so Disney's R+D department one day came up with the perfect formula for their new movie. It would have swashbuckling, high seas adventure and scurvy scallawag characters for all to enjoy. The movie was destined to make millions upon millions of dollars. Here's how the final meeting went in the creation of this movie:

Disney suit 1: So we're doing Treasure Island, it'll be great, it's got everything we need. We have strong characters, established plot, great potential for character design and such.
Disney suit 2: So who's gonna be the sidekick?
Disney suit 1: What?
Disney suit 2: You know, the cute obnoxious side character that everyone laughs at like Iago the Parrot from Aladdin or the Chris Rock Dragon from Mulan? Or the raccoon from Pocahontas? You know, the lousy crappy character type we invented after we stopped making good movies?
Disney suit 1: Well, I guess Long John Silver's parrot would do. He could say stuff like "AWK! Polly wanna git down AWK"
Disney suit 2: Naw, we need like 3 annoying characters at this point. And Robin Williams isn't available so not all of them can talk.
Disney suit 1: Um, I can't think of anything.
Disney suit 2: Damn, well we might have to do an entertaining pirate movie without really annoying side characters.
Disney suit 3: How about we just take this good idea for a movie and instead of in the past put it in the future in outer space and have an annoying blob creature and a fiendishly irritating psychotic robot and a genius professor who's also a dog?
Disney suit 1: Aren't you the guy who came up with the idea for Hercules?
Disney suit 3: Yeah.
Disney suit 1: Your ideas suck.
Disney suit 2: Who cares, it follows the formula so let's do it.
Disney suit 3: Yeah! Go me, it's my birthday...
Disney suit 1: How the fuck do I get out of this Mickey Mouse operation?

So that's how this movie got made.



Instead of Jim Hawkins, son of a tavernkeeper, we get Jim Hawkins, sullen and troubled kid with a jet surfboard. After finding a super-high tech treasure map ball thing, he goes on an expedition with his dog-professor friend (voiced by Frasier's gay brother) onto a sailing ship that can inexplicably fly through space and is captained by a cat-girl and is full of pirates who are cyborgs and spider-creatures.


I want to talk a little bit about these sailing space-ships. I don't care who thought they'd be a cool idea, they're stupid. Solar sails are a somewhat feasible concept for sending space probes through the solar system, not a reason to take a wooden ship and strap warp engines onto it just because they call them "sails." Also, I don't care if they use the "artificial gravity" concept to explain why they don't float away when they're flying through space. What I really want is them to explain how you can pilot an open-topped wooden space vehicle in a vacuum. At one point they "sail" near an exploding star and the cat-captain orders everyone to wear life-lines to prevent them from getting sucked into the resulting black hole. These lifelines, by the way, are made out of rope. The first mate gets sucked in because one of the spider-pirates decides to kill him, and then they blame it on Hawkins who gets all sullen. "I tied those lifelines myself!" he insists. Yeah, but you used primitive 18th century Earth rope. dingus. Tie him to the space-mast and give him 20 lashes with the lazer whip.


So we have a dog-professor doing the "It's your birthday" dance, doing the "I'm a professor, not a Doctor! Well, it's not that kind of doctor! Etc" thing, falling in love with and eventually boning the cat-captain and having dog/cat children. And he's got the voice of Niles. I don't wanna talk about the dog-professor.


Also the psychotic robot named B.E.N., I can't tell if this guy's based on an actual character from Treasure Island but all I know is that the last thing this already-suffering movie needed was a psychotic, loud and irritating robot man voiced by Martin Short. Eventually you have this giant group of characters that exist to try to chew the scenery as much as they can until you don't know what the hell's going on.


In the end, they escape an exploding Treasure Planet full of space-gold when Jim uses a photon torpedo cannon as a surfboard (flying through outer space without a care, no less) and high-fiving cyborg Long John Silver. That's pretty much all you need to know about Treasure Planet, why it was Disney's biggest bomb of all time, and why you can now watch the whole thing on YouTube, as I did.

Have fun, me hearties.

Conspiracy(2001)

"We pursued a vigorous policy of emigration, but who would take more of them? Who would want them? Every border in Europe rejects them or charges outrageously to accept them. Even America - thank you, yes- where Jews constantly whisper all the time in Roosevelt’s ear, still they turn them away." "History will honor us for having the will and the vision to advance the human race to greater purity in a space of time so short that Charles Darwin would be astonished."

This follows the Wannsee Conference of high ranking Nazi officials like Adolf Eichmann and Reinhard Heydrich that gathered to discuss the policy and methodology of the genocide to be. Heydrich in particular, was known to be one of the most dangerous and compassionless officers of the Third Reich, earning him titles like "Butcher", "Hangman", and "The Beast". As they debated on things like the Jewish heredity, departmental affairs, and cost basis, it became personally apparent that the SS think tank was significantly similar to a modern corporate board meeting or a congressional committee. Sure, the topic was gassing Israelites, but with the politick and power plays involved, they could just as easily been talking about industry offshoring or social security. How do you label Nazis as subhuman monstrosities when they resemble the advisory board at Enron, a capitol lobby, or a military tribunal? All of them have a common factor: they unequivocally make the most efficient economic decisions based on the ideological standard of the time. To me, that implies that America is developing fascist aspects and that ethics has long been traded away.

Walking Tall(2004)

"A truck for a truck. That's justice."

Just look at that face. The Rock is getting his beat down once again, this time in some rustic town that has been taken over by a casino baron. Fresh out of the military, The Rock checks out the gambling house, dislikes what he sees, and gets pissed off. He then grabs a piece of wood and starts bashing the slot machines and beating up security, all without saying a word. This low budget movie is based on the story of Buford Pusser, a lawman known for kicking righteous ass and fighting with wood products like boards or tree branches. I should have followed his example when I visited Reno, as I would've enjoyed smashing those slot machines and maybe busting up all of those incessant flashing lights.

Cidade de Dues(2002)

"Honesty dosen't pay, sucker."

The City of God is a slum in Puerto RicoRio De Janeiro that is the territory of some particularly strong and ambitious gangs. They have assets of guns, coke, and weed in a large abundance that they obtain through robbery and dealings, but the real crown jewel of the City is the children. These kids are raised by the underground to serve in the ranks of of the organization and are usually violently coerced into fighting the gang wars. This science is called ghetto economics. Success in this life depends as much on your taste for blood as it does on capable leadership, clever tactical formulation, and mathematical talent. Those who try to escape the slums face an docile life of oppressive schooling, low-wage work, and an inferior standard of living. This is the life story of two brothers growing up in the City of God, the elder of which is a hero of the ghetto, while the younger brother just wants to avoid the police.

EDIT: So I got the location wrong. Big deal. You can tell me that I'm defiling the honor of the slumlords when you can tell me the difference between a Brazilian slum and any other one in the world. You can't, because there isn't any, and even if there was, you wouldn't know it. You are not inspired nor informed because you watched this movie. You were simply entertained.

Tag Line: "Fight and you'll never survive..... Run and you'll never escape."

Radio Flyer(1992)

This is what happens when Tom Hanks becomes your dad

A Radio Flyer has nothing to do with radios or aircraft, rather, it's one of those red colored wagons that used to be really popular in the 60's. This is a movie bout some kids living in the burbs of Marin county that use the wagon to make a biplane that actually flew. I mean, I think it worked, since the pilot, along with the family dog, dissapeared with the entire plane. "Dissapeared" as in the flyer went into some quantum static bubble field that made it go into another dimension or get cloaked. Shit, well none of it was ever explained anyways. This movie needed more Tom Hanks and less bullshit about domestic violence.(which happens to be the real theme)

INKED 4 LYFE HOMIE: Stupid tattoos

A lot of people seem to like tattooing themselves silly. This is probably because if you have nothing to offer the planet as a whole you can at least pretend like you're unique by tatting yourself to the gills with any stupid thing that comes into your fool head. Just ask anyone to show you their tats and you'll be graced with truly unique and personalized stupidity along these lines:

What you think it says: Contra is 1337
What it really says: Be glad this picture doesn't show my face



What you think it says: I like pie.
What it really says: That's a fat fucking foot.


What you think it says: I am so utterly unique it destroys your reality.
What it really says: Oh hey look, that chick has another chick tattood to the side of her FUCKING HEAD



What you think it says: My sense of humor is so advanced that mere humans cannot comprehend how funny I am, really
What it really says: Interesting little pun you came up with. You realize you're gonna be looking at this gay porn travesty on your leg when you're 65 and realize you're not as clever as you think, right?


What you think it says: So unique my parents threw me out of the house (could have been because i was having sex with other women though)
What it really says: Alternate lifestyle = tattoos = girls touching each others' breasts. I call it frankenstein's theorem, and I can prove it.



What you think it says: I'm cute n' sexy. When people think you're sexy it makes up for a traumatic, abusive childhood with unloving parents, right?
What it really says: Now servicing #1384. Thank you come again.



What you think it says: Fuck knows
What it really says: Your daughter just tattood "slut" on her lower lip. Your gender ambigious other child just tattood "lunchbox" on his/her lower lip.

You gotta be thinking two things: One, which one could possibly be considered worse. Two, does severing your vas deferens count as body modification?



All of these pieces of art came from http://modblog.bmezine.com

Please enjoy all of them, there's so much more here I can't even begin to describe.

Millennium Actress(2001)

"In poetry, they symbolize 'Simple Purity'."

This is a interpretive and somewhat surrealist piece, #127 high rated, that revolves around one of my favorite themes: memory. As we gather experiences, age, and contemplate, memory is all that remains of our stories. A life story, unique, singular, and lost forever, is the stuff that encompasses our world. Yet memory is curiously fragile and malleable, constantly remodeled and buried by new experience, so people change and become different persons. That passive loss is what Millennium Actress is about. Time moves irrevocably onward, robbing us of youth, dreams, folly, and passion. What will your story be when you can no longer remember it?

300 (2007)

300 will put hair on your chest.
Spartans are the perfect killers, brutal and senseless, yet cunningly adroit and collusive. They neither feel sorrow nor dread, ignoring pain and denying marks of mutilation so that they can fight a lot and scream about going to hell. But for reaching the height in the slaughtering arts, they've obviously sacrified concoordinately in their ability to express themselves. Leonidas, while having just about the best one-liners in cinematic history, also wins Worst Actor. So bad you have to see the Spartan bedroom scenes to believe it. He obviously spent too much time lifting and getting huge and didn't spend enough time practicing his lines. He could also stand to clear his throat before yelling full blast, like when he says, "LETS GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO DRINK!!"

The giganticism of Xerxes, or Rodrigo Santoro, also caught my eye. He's twice the size of a normal man, acts creepy, employs hideously deformed subhuman monstrosities, and has a deep, echoing synth voice that you absolutely cannot ignore. I'd choose him for the Hitman movie.

VERSUS

Newspaper and reviewers have been making comparisons between 300 and Gladiator. The similarity in action content is undeniable, but I say Gladiator bests. The story and development has more substance, and it probably makes more practical sense. If you define Gladiator as sober, then 300 is piss drunk.

Donnie Darko(2001)

I decided to watch Donnie Darko because many people's have it on thier favorites list. Well uh, Donnie Darko sucks. The elements of the plot are nearly irrelevant, and the movie dosen't make sense. In one stupified moment after another, I tried to appreciate the significance of what I saw, and I was willing to go a long way to rationalize it, but the movie was just too absurd. New characters just kept popping up and saying wierd shit, like a rainbow colored clown in a corvette that ran someone over, which then made Darko pull a gun out of his inventory and shoot a man wearing a grotesque rabbit suit, who then gets injured in the past. WTF can anyone explain? Oh, but theres much more. A jet engine fell on his house and destroyed it. Wormholes emerge from people's chest that only Darko can see. He burns a schoolroom down, revealing a child pornography ring. Take this line from the movie:

Robber: Did you call the cops? Did you?
Donnie Darko: Dues Ex Machina!
Robber: I'm outta here.

This genre is supposed to be a cult classic "psychological thriller" but its really just spoon-fed bullshit. While lacking any sort of coherence, I mildly enjoyed watching Darko clown his classmates, cheap-shot a bunch of people, and wreck his high school. A great reminder of the sappy bullshit that kids in suburbia have to put up with.

JFK: Reloaded Is A Game Ahead Of Its Time

A great resume builder

Download Here

I loved this game when I first heard about it purely because it is such a major dick-move. The creators knew that making a game about assassinating a beloved U.S. President would be incredibly controversial, but they didn't care. They animated every aspect of the assassination down to the expressions on Jackie Kennedy's face to the convolutions of sulci in JFK's brain. The title and logo are completely assholish, and make a mockery of the tragedy. Senator Ted Kennedy called this game "despicable". What a bitch.

Don't get me wrong, I loved JFK as president, and watching the real footage of him getting shot in the head was horrifying. Yet, with the gun in my hands, it becomes absolutlely hilarious. One of my favorite things to do is shoot the driver of the car, and make it swerve erratically:

Lee Harvey's got nothing compared to this brick wall.

In this case, I did much better than Oswald, using only one bullet to kill all the occupants in the car. However, at the end, my score was -350/1000. Wtf? It turns out that the objective of the game is not to wreck as much havoc on the poor Kennedy family as you can, but instead try to reproduce what the real Lee Harvey Oswald did according to the Warren Commission Report. The game designers claim that the purpose of the game is actually a simulation designed to demonstrate that Oswald was able to kill JFK according to the report, putting to rest all the conspiracy theories of second shooters and stuff. This, however is complete bullshit as I don't remember the part in the report where it said that after the motorcade was stopped due to a gaping chest wound in the driver, dozens of secret service agents and police stood around blankly while a hail of bullets rained on a helpless JFK and his family:

No need to get up, boys, the Presidental car is looking fine

Claiming that this game is a realistic simulation of the real events is like saying Sid Mier's Civilization 3 was an accurate history of the world. And if that's true, then the Secret Service should have just had spear men defending the President. Nothing can get past those guys.

After each round of shooting at the president, there is a replay mode which allows you to watch the shooting from any angle and at various speed. However, the biggest flaw is that there is no Yakkity Sax music option to play while watching your assassination in fast-forward.

While this game was great, I feel that this genre of historic reenactments of assassinations should be taken one step further. For example, How about a possible sequel:

In this sequel, you play as Jack Ruby, the famed killer of the killer. Kind of like how Tie Fighter was the sequel to X-Wing. He killed your president, now make him pay. Of course, it doesn't have to stop here. There are plenty of famous assassinations that could be made into games:

Sic semper tyrannis, motherfucker

Emancipate your own proclamation by assuming the role of John Wilkes Booth. It's much more exciting than JFK, because other than shooting the president, you get to stab people, too. Speaking of stabbing, here's a great game that would fit the Nintendo Wii perfectly:


Play in single player mode as Brutus, or link up with 4 other players for multiplayer stabbing action.


Before I go to hell, this game could potentially make a lot of money. Maybe an MMORPG? Voice acting done by Mel Gibson.

The possibilities for this genre are limitless. These games should be hailed as educational devices, and grade school children should be required to beat the end boss of each one as part of their social studies curriculum.