JFK: Reloaded Is A Game Ahead Of Its Time

A great resume builder

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I loved this game when I first heard about it purely because it is such a major dick-move. The creators knew that making a game about assassinating a beloved U.S. President would be incredibly controversial, but they didn't care. They animated every aspect of the assassination down to the expressions on Jackie Kennedy's face to the convolutions of sulci in JFK's brain. The title and logo are completely assholish, and make a mockery of the tragedy. Senator Ted Kennedy called this game "despicable". What a bitch.

Don't get me wrong, I loved JFK as president, and watching the real footage of him getting shot in the head was horrifying. Yet, with the gun in my hands, it becomes absolutlely hilarious. One of my favorite things to do is shoot the driver of the car, and make it swerve erratically:

Lee Harvey's got nothing compared to this brick wall.

In this case, I did much better than Oswald, using only one bullet to kill all the occupants in the car. However, at the end, my score was -350/1000. Wtf? It turns out that the objective of the game is not to wreck as much havoc on the poor Kennedy family as you can, but instead try to reproduce what the real Lee Harvey Oswald did according to the Warren Commission Report. The game designers claim that the purpose of the game is actually a simulation designed to demonstrate that Oswald was able to kill JFK according to the report, putting to rest all the conspiracy theories of second shooters and stuff. This, however is complete bullshit as I don't remember the part in the report where it said that after the motorcade was stopped due to a gaping chest wound in the driver, dozens of secret service agents and police stood around blankly while a hail of bullets rained on a helpless JFK and his family:

No need to get up, boys, the Presidental car is looking fine

Claiming that this game is a realistic simulation of the real events is like saying Sid Mier's Civilization 3 was an accurate history of the world. And if that's true, then the Secret Service should have just had spear men defending the President. Nothing can get past those guys.

After each round of shooting at the president, there is a replay mode which allows you to watch the shooting from any angle and at various speed. However, the biggest flaw is that there is no Yakkity Sax music option to play while watching your assassination in fast-forward.

While this game was great, I feel that this genre of historic reenactments of assassinations should be taken one step further. For example, How about a possible sequel:

In this sequel, you play as Jack Ruby, the famed killer of the killer. Kind of like how Tie Fighter was the sequel to X-Wing. He killed your president, now make him pay. Of course, it doesn't have to stop here. There are plenty of famous assassinations that could be made into games:

Sic semper tyrannis, motherfucker

Emancipate your own proclamation by assuming the role of John Wilkes Booth. It's much more exciting than JFK, because other than shooting the president, you get to stab people, too. Speaking of stabbing, here's a great game that would fit the Nintendo Wii perfectly:


Play in single player mode as Brutus, or link up with 4 other players for multiplayer stabbing action.


Before I go to hell, this game could potentially make a lot of money. Maybe an MMORPG? Voice acting done by Mel Gibson.

The possibilities for this genre are limitless. These games should be hailed as educational devices, and grade school children should be required to beat the end boss of each one as part of their social studies curriculum.