Fun with Super-Heated Plasma: Why "Sunshine" is going to be stupid.

Still looks hot enough to me. Can we go home now?

Ok, so I was at the movies with a buddy of mine. I wanted to watch Clint Eastwood's Iwo Jima movie, probably thanks to an unhealthy obsession with Day of Defeat and Company of Heroes. My friend, however, is fruitier than I am and plays World of Warcraft, so we inevitably went to see Labyrinth of Pan to suit his desire to watch faeries and shit cavort around the screen. Ok, maybe I'm just being a dick, and there were a lot of fascists killing people with Lugers in the film as well, so I guess everyone went home happy.

Dagger of Pan gives +1 to Dex

The real draw, however, was one of the previews we saw before the movie. Here is the trailer for "Sunshine," right here, in all its shiny glory.



Ok, open up with the classic dilemma: Our sun is dying. Well, that's cool and all but...wait, WHAT THE FUCK?? SHIT!! OH SHIT!!! OH WE ARE FUCKING DEAD OH FUUUCKK!!

Seriously, you can NOT beat that for a dilemma. Anyone who doesn't realize that the sun going out is a very very bad thing for them is probably the same kind of person who thinks global warming is hippie propaganda that will probably never affect their lives. This same kind of person can be found weeping on cable TV wondering why the ocean took their house and also why they're trapped in a flooded city full of black people.

When I first watched this and got to the part where he says he's going to re-ignite the sun I had crazy flashbacks to a horrible old film from 1990 that I saw when I was a teenager. I was sitting there in the darkened theatre literally choking because I thought it was gonna be a re-make of "Solar Crisis."



Solar Crisis (which cost 55 million to make) was pure Mystery Science Theatre fodder, part Mad Max but mostly an obvious rip-off of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It is in my recollection the only film that combined the character of HAL with an enormous antimatter bomb. These scientists, in order to prevent the sun from sending out "Mega-Flares" that will fry the planet, are on a mission to bitch-slap it with some kind of super bomb that they have for no apparent reason given computerized sentience in an outstanding display of bad planning. The movie basically has scenes of them talking one-on-one with the bomb during the trip, trying to convince it that its existence is in fact not meaningless and please do not go suicidal and detonate yourself before we reach the sun. Oh yeah, and the bomb's name is Freddy. Oh yeah, and they obviate the necessity for Freddy to have sentience when they shoot him at the sun at point-blank range. And again when they send someone to die with him as a kamikaze pilot.

I kind of understand their ridiculous reasoning, though. When your sun's about to kill all life on the planet, you make goddamn sure the bomb that saves the solar system is going exactly where you want it to go.

I'm gonna getttt youuuu...

But this movie is, unfortunately (?), not a Solar Crisis remake, and is instead the latest effort by the guy who made the shit movie Trainspotting and the fast-zombie movie 28 Days Later.

Flash Zombie from 28-days later eats Spider-Man

The entire preview seems to indicate that these scientists are having problems with the fact that the sun is really really really really hot and dangerous to even attempt to approach. This isn't a small fuck-up like accidentally touching a hot stove element. This is like "hey guys, the sun's going out so we better land on it and see what's what" fuck-up material. I don't know what the hell you're gonna do when you get close to the sun, but here's what I think is going to happen at the movie's end. They die.

If I was gonna fly this ship into the sun, I would totally do both asian girls the night before.

So if, in fact, the Sun does manage to run out of fuel despite our best scientists' predictions and start fusing Oxygen into Carbon and turning red and expanding and messing up the daily grind here on Earth, I just want to say that at least we shot off a few spaceships with pictures of naked humans on the front of it so the aliens can find where we're buried (under tons and tons of ice) and hopefully put our frozen corpses in the Interstellar Museum for Loser Civilizations. Unless you have a bunch of spare hydrogen lying around, the sun ain't gonna care what you do to it because it is, after all, really really big and on fire all the time whether you like it or not.

Hi. We're humans. Our sun exploded. Please don't mock our naughty bits.

A Word with The Chancellor: Larry Vanderhoef and I

Larry N. Vanderhoef is our venerable Chancellor of UCD. Most everyone on campus knows of him, and he has even been named "Sacramento Resident of the Year", even though he resides in Davis. As one of the most powerful people in the UC, he has made a substancial effort to connect with common students(like a King walking among his troops), and regularly visits the Coho to eat a student-made burrito or the Arc for a game of raquetball. He even makes a presence of the Facebook.
When I worked in the Mail Division, I delivered letters to his council every Friday on the secured and camera-monitored 5th floor of Mrak Hall. I have great respect for his frankly and no-nonsense attitude and have turned to him when all other ears were deaf. Last fall, I wrote him this letter:


To Chancellor Vanderhoef,

I need to inform you about the environmental control at the Wellman classroom building. It sucks ass. The ventillation system hasen't been working and with all the students in there, the classrooms smell like prison ships. Please fix it somehow for my health. Cold season is upcoming. Thx.

-AK

The next day, I got this curt response in my geckomail box:


Dear AK,

Chancellor Vanderhoef forwarded your email regarding Wellman Hall to me for follow-up and response. Our campus maintenance staff has found a damper that is malfunctioning and an area of the building ductwork that has separated. Repairs are currently underway and our staff will be monitoring Wellman over the next several days to ensure that the ventilation system is operating effectively.

Sincerely,
Stan Nosek, Vice Chancellor-Administration

Despite the indirectness of his answer and the crude handoff to his Vice, I was satisfied with his diligence. I had been inspired to be a Vanderhoef fan.
"This is a man of the people", I thought, "This is the kind of person we need to run things."
Three weeks later on Halloween day, Justin, Franklin, and I heard a rumor that the residence of Chancellor Vanderhoef was located covertly behind the International House, just across the street from the MU. Dressed as the demons of the unworldly, we went to greet him in the traditional fashion, knocking on his door, waiting for him or maybe a butler to emerge. But no one answered the door. That night, we left without seeing the Chancellor.

Unfortunately, I still havent seen him personally, not at his office, nor the Coho, nor the raquetball courts. But I will see him on graduation day. With an aloof smile, he will warmly extend his hand, we will shake, and I will say, "Larry, why do you have to be such a buster."

Lord of War (2005)

Every once in awhile there comes a movie with a purpose and meaning. Well this is definitely not one of those movies. I didn't do any research on this movie but I know damn well this movie is great. It's about gun trades and low lifes selling guns to countries in a state of war an instability. It's about the root of our civilization to take advantage of those who have no solutions to problems except fighting and bickering until everyone winds up dead. Sure we have our Circuit city for communications and TVs, our starbucks for motivational and energy needs, our taco bell for fast service and slave labors, but what we lack is victory and the blood of man. How can we fullfill out prophecy of war and destruction when we have no medium to purchase machine guns? We can't we have to lie in our own bullshit and drink coffee while someone else get's to take over villages and kill furry little animals. Go see this movie or die.

-Tallsmoketrapgod

I Just Blogged your Blog: An Experiment in Meta-Blogging pt. III

Rebecca Thinks... ( http://rebzugo.blogspot.com)

Name: Rebecca
Location: Montreal, Canada
Blogging Since: November 2006

Summary: Ever worry that you think everything you say is real witty, but turns out it's really just retarded and obnoxious? Rebecca doesn't. Or she just doesn't care. This whole thing is kind of like Timecube but written by a 17 year old schitzophrenic who goes to Canadian public high school. Trying to force your brain to absorb some of the stuff she writes is kind of like trying to get nutrients out of eating wood.


Choice Quotes:


"She just said "What the heck does the Earth being round have anything to do with you having a sister?" Obviously, we are not all functioning on the same level of mental capacity, here.

Here is a deep and meaningful message she would like to relay to the entire online community:

"I do have mental capacity. And I bet you can't solve this equation... No, write it, write it. Ok! Um... can I write it?"

The problem is as follows:

2 (5A + -3A) - 10 = 100

I shall now prove that I, Rebzugo, have passed highschool math, albeit one year behind.

2 (5A + -3A) - 10 = 100
2 (2A) - 10 = 100
4A - 10 = 100
4A = 110
A = 28.33

Not only this, but as we were calculating, sans calculator a la 1544, my dear sister several times put into question my mathematical abilities. In addition, in several instances, her very intelligent yet slightly less-developed in years brain committed several oversights which are to be expected of today's youngins, not like in my day."


Frankenstein Says: Forget mathematical abilities. What about her sister's sanity? What would you do if your sibling came up to you and started forming obscure relations between your existence, the shape of planetary bodies and high-school algebra?
Balls Says: The human brain is by far the most complicated object we have ever found in the universe. Nothing even comes close to that wrinkly ball of flesh and 10 billion synaptic neurons. Yet at times, that complixity fails mankind in paradoxial ways.
Justin Says:
Pat Says:




"After we walked out of German 201 this morning, Sprachkurs Deutsch, our textbook, took me aside and held me by the shoulders. He seemed nervous. And then, after introducing himself to me as Matti's cousin, he confessed his love for me.

I do not know what to do. Sprachkurs and I have always have a special chemistry together.

I went home in tears. There, in my room, I contemplated dropping German 201, but I knew this would upset you, especially considering the crap-ass oral presentations we have yet to unleash on the class and that girl who always asks questions.

Looking for consolation, I explained my problems to my old Italian textbook, Parole Nel Contesto, from my Italian School days... he listened with patience.

Then, just as I was leaving, he confessed his affection for me as well. The twist is that I always thought Parole was a girl."

Frankenstein Says: This might be a great time to take advantage of a Canadian state-funded mental health care facility.
Balls Says: I have never talked to books. Books talk to ME.
Justin Says:
Pat Says:




"In other news, I am looking to name my personally disastrous week. Perhaps this will materialize into a You Tube video-perhaps not. You know; in the way that natural disasters get named, so should my disaster, I figure. Here are some of its stars:

- Forgot locker combination.
- Water bottle spilled all over bag.
- Wallet got all stretched because of water.
- Books very expensive.
- Computer couldnt access my profile, made new one.
- Spent lots of time trying to fix my slow internet.
- Forgot various passwords; WebCt, school library search, PIN number to log into student ID account...
- Had a marital disagreement with a photocopier.
- Could not find classes, was late.
- Tuesday; woke up a half hour after I was supposed to leave (!) my house.
- Tore nylons.
- Am sick.
- No money."



Frankenstein Says: This kind of reminds me of one of those Sandra Bullock movies where a nerdy, awkward girl spends the first half of the movie ramming her head into shit and getting into embarassing situations and the second half of the movie becoming prom queen. Rebecca takes klutziness to such a level that at her prom she'll probably drown in the punch bowl.
Balls Says: Huh. These disasters are all of the self-inflicted type.
Justin Says:
Pat Says:




"Woody Allen, my secret boyfriend, has a part in his movie Love and Death, at the end, when two women are saying "Wheat. Wheat. Nothing but wheat..." and he adds "I'm dead, they're talking about wheat." In the same vein, I present this blog entry to the world as a late Kwanzaa gift.

(Mr. Allen, if you are reading... let's get married. I am single! The age difference is minor.)"


Frankenstein Says: Parents, it's normal for your teenage girls to have crushes on celebrities. Owen Wilson, Matt LeBlanc, Clive Owen...all perfectly healthy. However, if your daughter somehow has managed to form a crush on Woody Allen, you are severely fucked. Bonus: Woody would probably take her up on her offer.
Balls Says: Poor Woody.
Justin Says:
Pat Says:

"If I were from Hong-Kong, I would protest.

Not over political issues. Not over social issues, either. Not over tissues.

Not even over the imitation turkey they serve in the office lunchroom. They think we don't notice?

No; none of these issues would be drastic enough to spark my Rosie the Riveter-like angst. On the other hand, have you ever checked out the Ikea site for Hong Kong? http://www.ikea.com.hk/chi/main.html It's ugly as all hell.

Hong Kong, you got ripped off."

Frankenstein Says: Owned.
Balls Says:It will be interesting to see how receptive HK is to Swedish furniature. Chinese consumers will be forced to choose between East and West.
Justin Says:
Pat Says:



Final Review:

Wordiness Score: !!! (like listening to a derelict ranting in the streets, but not too many posts)
Zaniness Score: :D :D :D (are you excited yet?)
Emo Score: o_\\ o_\\ (all teenagers count as at least 2 emoheads)
WTF Score: ????? (Reading this blog too closely will teleport you into an alternate dimension of confusion and woe...)
Pix Score: .jpg .jpg (weak)



Verdict: If certain types of thought could be categorized as an infectious disease that attacks and damages healthy thought processes, then congratulations and welcome to the world of internet rabies.

Evening with a Terrorist: Walid Shoebat Comes to Davis

Walid is a former PLO terrorist who renounced his Palestinean roots 14 years ago, embracing Zionism and alienating his Islamic family in the process. He compares fundamentalist terrorism with Nazi fascism, saying that due to media distortion, people neither understand the plight of the Jews nor see the bias of Islam in the Mideast. According to Shoebat, terrorism was a different game in his time, requiring responsibility, a sense of honor, and a strict creed prohibiting suicide missions. He has denounced the brutal terrorist activities of today, and accused the Islamic population of propogating it. For this belief, he has lent full support to the Hamas war and the Iraq conflict, evoking hatred from liberals, conservatives, christians, and muslims alike.

Freeborn hall was packed, preventing me from hearing his speech or seeing him in person. But he is not important; Walid Shoebat isn't even his real name. What mattered was the spectacle he created, a packed house with protestors in the rows and on the sidewalks overlooking an army of supporters.
"Walid is a Phoney. Learn about Islam from a Muslim, Not From a Terrorist.", was duplicated on the signs of a half-dozen protestors standing around the MU bells, all of them women of Mideast descent.
"They think we are the instigators of hatred but what they do not realize is that they are the people that actually...(rest illegible)", said the rambling sign of another. In my head, I imagined that protestor saying that abhorrent statement aloud, which made me slightly nauseous.
"SILENCED", was written on the poster of another protestor, a black man that silently stood stonefaced at the line of attendants.
Slightly dissapointed at the general cognitive level, I went home.

Taking Ridiculousness To the Next Level: Live Free or Die Hard (Die Hard 4)

Just take a minute to watch this trailer. I watched it about 20 times just to let it all sink in, the total ridiculousness of this entire movie. You got guys shooting submachine guns out of car windows while drift racing, giant concrete pillars exploding for no reason, Bruce Willis firing a machine gun out of his pant leg, and to top everything off, Bruce Willis driving a police car up a concrete ramp for a head-on collision with a helicopter. I'm pretty sure there are easier ways to take down helicopters, but for some reason the writers of this movie thought up of every conceivable way cars can be tossed around, stacked on top of each other like legos, and used as anti aircraft devices. Obviously someone was playing too much GTA. Watching this trailer, I wouldn't be surprised if Bruce Willis performs open-heart surgery by driving a mac truck into the operating room.

The trailer is smart to give absolutely no hints as to what the plot is except that Bruce Willis is PISSED OFF. And that "The choice is finally clear. Live free or die hard." Actually, there really doesn't seem to be much debate over that choice, I'd much rather live free than....die hard. Whatever dying hard means. Ironically, Willis takes the hidden 3rd choice, which is to drive a fucking car up a concrete ramp to blow up a helicopter.

Following the theme of previous Die Hards, Willis has a sidekick, this time a whiney skinny rookie sidekick. I would have preferred the great Samuel L. Jackson again, as SLJ would never ask "Have you done this sort of thing before?" No shit, sherlock, it's fucking Bruce Willis. He once blew up a cargo plane by lighiting its falling trail of jetfuel, all with shards of glass in his feet. Then he went to Mars and killed aliens in search of the 5th element.

While it may seem like I'm ragging on this movie, I'm actually very excited to see it and I encourage everyone to watch it. I like actors like Bruce Willis, because he's just like Arnold Schwartzenegger. No matter how ridiculous the role or plot is, he will take it, and look bad ass doing it. And doing a quadrilogy just makes it better. Movies like this are the best of its kind. Also, there's a surprise ending where it is revealed that Bruce Willis was actually a ghost the entire time.

Marines are Fucking Idiots

You heard me, Corporal, your outfit is nothing more than a bunch of fuck-ups and retards.


Let's back up, soldier, and get to the science behind the fact that marines are fucking idiots. To do this, we'll have to look into the profiles and practices of each of the armed services of our glorious Union, all of whom are sworn to kill everyone in the name of freedom. By the way, this isn't just hippie "oh my god they nuke babies" or "overthrow the government because they ticket me for speeding" bullshit. Like I said...it's science!





United States Marine Corps:

Featured Films: Flags of our Fathers, A Thin Red Line, Jarhead, Full Metal Jacket, A Few Good Men

Featured Wars: WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Gulf War I, Gulf War II

Basic Strategy: (Marine Corps mission statement, verbatim: "Locate, fix and destroy the enemy with small arms fire." Basically: Shoot dem.)

Marines of note: R. Lee "Gunny" Ermey (Mail Call, Full Metal Jacket), Rodger Young (WWII Pacific Edition)

Intelligence Level: Minimal. Able to walk and perform simple tasks. Must be open to simple, repetitive teaching.

Unreal Tournament Kill desire rating: LUDICROUS KILL

IQ to muscle ratio: 2/9

Notable Quotes: "THIS IS MY RIFLE. THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT BUT THIS ONE'S MINE."





United States Army:

Featured Films: Saving Private Ryan, Patton, In the Army Now, Stripes

Featured Wars: Civil War, Spanish American War, WWI, WWII, Afghanistan

Basic Strategy: Get the best gun in the map and camp.

Army Men of Note: Colin Powell??, that guy who killed like 100 germans in WWII

Intelligence Level: Below Average. Must be able to do paperwork. Must be able to drive a truck.

Unreal Tournament Kill Desire Rating: U L T R A K I L L

IQ to Muscle ratio: 1/3

Notable Quotes: "PICK UP THAT GUN, BLIGH! PICK UP THAT GUN AND FIGHT!"



United States Navy:

Featured Films: Tora! Tora! Tora!, The Final Countdown, Crimson Tide

Featured Wars: War of 1812, Civil War, WWI, WWII

Basic Strategy: Bombard, Torpedo, Avoid turning gay for 6 months

Navy Men of Note: Admiral Nimitz, Popeye

Intelligence Level: Average. Must be able to swim. Must be able to load really big guns. Must be able to tie a lot of knots. Must be able to be amuse oneself in the middle of the ocean for half a year surrounded by men.

Unreal Tournament Kill Desire Rating: Multikill!

IQ to muscle ratio. 2/3

Notable Quotes: "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!! *explosions*"



United States Air Force:

Featured Films: Stealth, Top Gun, Iron Eagle I, II, III, IV, Firefox (i think)

Featured Wars: Korea, Vietnam, Bosnia, Gulf War I, Gulf War II

Basic Strategy: Bombs away!

Air Force Men of Note: Tom Cruise, Chuck Yeager

Intelligence Level: Above Average. Must be able to pilot an advanced multi-million dollar aircraft at super-sonic speeds, use sophisticated targeting systems, dogfight, memorize the manual for 20 airplanes, possibly be an astronaut

Unreal Tournament Kill Desire Rating: Megakill!!

IQ to muscle ratio: 2/1

Notable Quotes: "Bogey on my six! I CAN'T SHAKE HIM!"




As is scientifically proven, marines are definitely the idiots of the bunch. Their primary goal is basically to kill and possibly die in the line of duty. That's all well and good if we send them to Iraq...but what about when they get laid off and try to survive in the "real" world?

Basically the best thing that ever happened in any marine's life was...they were a marine! HOO RAH. Never will they let you forget their involvement in the corps. If you ever meet one, you will be subjected to graphic stories of how they once shot a guy through the neck...or even worse, become so pent-up with rage at never having killed anyone that they will become all psycho and weird, maybe even writing a book about how they were never given the opportunity to shoot a brown person.


Marines will generally gravitate towards other suitably dangerous lines of work, such as policework, firefighting, the circus, or even just an office job that took pity on them. No matter what they do, they will always continue to be goddamn marines. Every day you will be subjected to cadences, gruesome stories, off-color ethnic jokes, death threats, mimed grenade tosses, and annoyingly gung-ho entreaties to do push-ups.



If you ever have the misfortune of being the employee (or, god help you, the boss) of a marine, here are some things I've learned over the years that you can use:

*Marines like push-ups. However, if you try to punish a Marine with push-ups, they will get emotional and threaten to kill you. Hopefully the cop you call isn't also an ex-marine, because he will just say "hoo-rah!" and shoot you before planting a Tec-9 on you.

*Marines respond well to cursing. The more you curse and the filthier your mouth is, the more they feel like they're back in The Suck and will become slightly pacified.

*Marines love having their will totally dominated by another. Taking orders and being punished is second nature to them. However, this only works if you yourself are ex-military or have some sort of rank that you can use against them. You can try to trick them, but they will eventually find out and try to kill you.

*If you ever find a Girl marine, you are an incredibly unfortunate individual. They are so annoying it's impossible to describe. A girl trying to act tough and getting in your face R. Lee Ermey-style is pretty ridiculous, especially since, well, she is just a girl. "A GIRL THAT COULD KICK YER ASS!!!" a fellow marine would say. No, the girls that could kick my ass can't pass Marine physical training because they're huge lesbians with biceps like canteloupes and stubble and I have spent long hours training to run faster than these individuals. Either that or they're in the WNBA and they're too successful to be Marines, you idiots.



That's about all I have to say about Marines. My only mistake was choosing a career path that forces me to interact with so many of them (not pounding rivets into things or being a soup-line attendant, if that's what you were wondering). Hopefully no marine will ever read this and figure out where I live, because half the fun of marines is that they're unbalanced retards who were told a few too many times that killing was their purpose. The only way to deal with a person like that is to get a job doing something that requires actual thought and basic English skills, in which case you'll probably never meet a Marine in your life.

Catch Me If You Can(2002)

This was based on the life story of Frank Abignale Jr., a guy that outsmarted the delicate world of paper trails, credentials, and documentation. With a detailed typeset and some stickers, he became an airline pilot, then a doctor, changed to a professor, then a lawyer(he passed the BAR on his third try), and slept with dozens along the way thanks to his affluent title and the shallowness of women. Today he's the CEO of Abignale and Associates, a broadbased and internationally respected fraud consulting firm in Pennsylvania.
With 50 years of experience in paper and electronic craft, the FBI has made check fraud a much more difficult sustainance today, although it is far from impossible. The North Korean SuperDollar has been a formidable fake, with such undiscernable features and wide circulation that you may have been in contact with one.
I remember Mr Williams showing this in calc AB. Interesting choice. Dwyer once refered to it, saying, "If you mess with the currency, the FBI comes and rips up your floorboards; if you're really good at it, they hire you." No matter, with Tom Hanks and Speilberg on the set, you can't go wrong.

Soundboard Prank Calls Are Really Hard: A Lesson In Failure

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Miss Cleo. Dr. Phil. With these great soundboards, and many others, prankers all over the world have created a vast body of work that sets the gold standard for all soundboard prank calls. Having entertained me for years, I was inspired to add my own page to the growing collection of masterpieces hosted on ebaums world. With the development of Skype, an internet phone calling program and a $1 microphone I bought from eBay, I had all the tools I needed to begin what I hoped would turn out to be my magnum opus.

With an eager heart, I started off my journey with the time-tested Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboards. Truly, there is no better soundboard that offers the versatility and comedic factor of Arnold. From "Do it now!" to "My CPU is a neural-net processor", to "Fuck you, asshole", Arnold is equipped for any situation. And these were funny even before he ran for governor. When you get to the heart of it, Arnold is the true origin of the modern soundboard. Arnold influenced the soundboard prank call just as Tolkien influenced the fantasy novel.

That said, here are the results of hours upon hours of work:
WARNING: Most of these aren't really that funny, and some are quite long.

To start things off as a warm up, I called up some raving psychotic. This guy was truly nuts:



Next up is Papa Murphy's at Westgate West, a struggling Bay Area pizza store that I felt could use a little more misery. Never get a pizza from them, as they sell it to you extremely undercooked, almost as if they didn't even put it in an oven. I actually had to use my real cell phone for this one, as Skype wouldn't get through:



This next one is a call to a random household in Dixon, CA. By this time I was running out of ideas for places to call so I just opened up the phone book and started with "A. Anderson". This one really goes nowhere:



Another call to the unwashed hicks in Dixon. Don't ever go there, the place will just make you depressed:



Then Alex got the idea of calling up some kind of punk rocker store or something, I really forget what this was. The only good part was that I got a belligerent response:



This next one was very serious as I was almost labeled as an enemy combatant by the Department of Homeland Security and shipped off to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, a place of marines and Code Reds, and where the truth cannot be handled. Alex gave me the idea that we should call up Indian gaming casinos and accuse them of not paying their fair share. Admittedly, I went too far with this one, but this was at the end of the day and I was discouraged by the poor quality of calls I had been making. A week later, a police detective came by my apartment to arrest me. His name was John Kimball.



The next recorded call was several weeks later. I got the idea of calling up computer stores to talk about my CPU processor and how I was a cybernetic organism. I think this was my best one, if there is a best:



That about does it. Keep in mind these calls that I recorded were only a few out of the hundreds of calls I actually made. The most important thing I learned through this experience was that:

Soundboard prank calls are really, really, really hard to pull off successfully.

The two main reasons why it's so hard:

1. Most people have a low capacity for bullshit. Most people hang up within 1-2 seconds of hearing Arnold's voice. Perhaps it's the accent, the poor sound quality, for whatever reason, nobody wanted to talk.

2. Lack of funny conversation. Even if I did get someone talking, most of the time they would be in stunned silence or go "What? Huh?" Perhaps I should some placed in the deep south or Manhattan to get a really angry guy.

Now I understand why the prank call list on ebaums is relatively short. I cannot imagine the hardship of the unsung heroes who created such classics as the Gator Lodge call, or the Chinese restaurant call. I'd try again, but Skype ended their free calling service, and I guess that ends my efforts. I suppose it's for the better, as making all those calls was eating away at my soul.