3:10 to Yuma (2007)

Wow this is a really awesome western. I usually don't go for these types of movies, simply because I find the dusty dry scenery to be unappealing, but when I saw Russell Crowe and Christian Bale on the cover, I knew this had substance. Every time someone dies, expect it to be good. Each death is profound. Every corpse has meaning, and that's how it's supposed to be. People have to die for a reason. When I watch a western, I don't want to see a horde of retarded outlaws play shoot-em-up with a bunch of stupid sheriffs like some kind of outback holocaust. I want to see a bad guy fighting with an ordinary person that's incredibly determined. Show me accomplished and philosophical characters that share the same common sense but choose different sides. Top it off with good acting and you're done.

Amazing line: "Tommy was weak. TOMMY was stupid. Tommy. Is. Dead."
Rating: 100%

Paycheck (2003)

After so many years of hearing about this from other people and shrugging, I finally got this fucking movie and actually watched it. Meh. Modern action movie with high tech gear and a man/woman celebrity pair, period. That's all you're gonna get from this movie and you will remember nothing more profound than that. Ben Affleck is this secret agent that does backwards engineering for rival corporations and then gets his memory erased after the job is done. Following one of the routine mind wipes, weird things start happening that unravel an action packed mystery. Cool premise.

Where this movie falls below par is in the characterization of the bad guys, which were often excessively stupid or had motives that just didn't make sense. It annoys me to see characters doing unreasonably stupid shit. The story depends on the human quality of the antagonist, and when the bad guy is stupid, the story becomes stupid. The result: the plot fails. Ben Affleck swinging a wooden staff around also annoyed me. Why did they put that in there? Nobody wants to see Affleck doing kung fu. I've seen people on the street do much better.

Rating: 50%

The Lost City (2005)

The aforementioned "lost city" is Havana, where we get to see old democratic Cuba get swept over by communism. My god, the sacrifices that must be made to enact societal changes are brutal. The once noble families divided by these conflicting pluralistic and socialist ideologies face disappointment beyond measure. A lifetime of regret and shame awaits them once they escape to the States.

As the movie depicts it, Havana was good thing in the world that got destroyed, the symbol for which is an innocent city nightclub that gets ended by the Fidel Castro society. Because the American east coast has a large Cuban diaspora, hollywood movies like this often turn into tacky anti-communist art forms. But I didn't find that to a particular problem here. Instead, what I found to be more of a problem was that there was too much irrelevant conversation that bored the shit outta me. Show me more guerilla warfare!

Rating: 40%

Solaris (2002)

This sucked. I couldn't get my hands on Event Horizon so I took on this George Clooney movie instead. That's too bad because everything was terrible. The plot is in the same realm as The Traveler (2005) and is basically a bunch of buzzy lights with a guy tripping out multidimensionally. Throw in an ephemeral looking mysterious woman that may or may not exist to complete the picture. The script is absolutely unbelievable. George Clooney would walk into a room and just start asking questions one after another, his face unchanging like his mind was some sort of blank slate. The conversations sounded more like some kind of recorded recital than an actual dialog. Nobody in the history of mankind would ever talk remotely like that. George Clooney you fucking suck I'm glad you got sucked into a black hole.

Rating: 30%

One Hour Photo (2002)

It's pretty weird to see Robin Williams as a dried up old man on the cover of a movie. That's what got me into this one, resulting in the first psycho thriller movie that I've even come close to appreciating. So as it turns out, back when they were using chemically developed film, the technicians would be required to look through the photos to make sure there weren't any slides of child porn or pictures of people getting murdered. But this guy, turns this into a crazy obsession and the sickness spills over into real life and you know the rest. Real nice guy too. Well meaning, really pleasant neighborhood guy.

I would hope to see more of Robbie Williams in future movies, but that seems unlikely, so I won't.
Rating: 60%

The Bucket List (2007)

This title sounded really gay so I refused to watch it until now, when my boredom has reached new highs that compelled me. We have 2 famous and incredibly seasoned actors here that spend the movie hanging out and having friendly jibes at each other. Does that sound like a good watch to you? Hells no, that sounds faggoty and boring.

The better part of Bucket List is spent with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in a duo dialog. A duolog. Or something. With these 2 guys working together, the acting doesn't fail. While admitted in the same hospital room, they decide to do a "bucket list", or a list of stuff you want to do before you kick the bucket. So knowing that their time is limited, they go on an adventure to complete those things and cross off the items when they've done it.

Here's an example of a bucket list that I am happy to share with you from my own list of things I'd like to do before I'm dead.

The Bucket List
Make a difference in a total stranger's life.
Laugh until my midsection hurts too much to laugh any more.
Return this shitty movie to the library.
Kill a woolly mammoth with my bare hands.
Kill 5 men.
Kill 10 men.
20 men, and I wear this emblem.
Get Buzzy Aldrin to admit that the moon landing was fake.
Reconquer Jerusalem.
Learn necromancy so that I can resurrect Hitler and give him another chance at Art School.
Learn to use psionic weapons.

Jack Nicholson has lost some of his fire. He's old and decrepit and looks mildly like a down syndrome kid.
Rating: 50%

Summer Movie Showdown: Transformers 2 (2009) Versus The Proposal (2009)

I want to make it clear that I was against seeing either of these films, but due to the enormous power women have over my nuts (and because I wasn't paying) I saw both in the span of a week. I decided that rather than take each one on single-handedly I would compare and contrast the various strengths and weaknesses of these two wildly different films against one another.

Here are the contestants:


Movie 1: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Director: Michael fucking Bay
Genre: Completely overwrought sci-fi action-comedy
Star Actors: Shia "crack addict" Lebouf, Megan "miscast porn star" Foxxx, Optimus Prime
Budget: A million billion Spielberg dollars



Movie 2: The Proposal
Director: Some chick
Genre: Romantic comedy
Star Actors: Sandra "career rebound" Bullock, Ryan "punch me" Reynolds
Budget: Enough to keep Betty White alive though filming

First Catagory: Plot.

The plot in Transformers 2 begins with the annoying kid from Transformers going to college and making the brilliant decision to leave his transforming robot car in his mom's garage because he needs his space. Then he makes the second brilliant decision to leave his perfect 10 of a girlfriend behind where she builds custom choppers or some unbelievable shit. He has a shard of something in his pocket that brings his toaster to life which promptly tries to kill him. Then a bunch of evil robots start blowing things up in order to ressurrect Megatron from the bottom of the ocean. Then Shia starts seeing things and Megatron tries to steal his brain, then decides to kill Optimus prime, then decides to drop a bunch of robots from space to blow up some stuff and declare war on all humans before trying to blow up the sun. Then an Egyptian transformer who was hiding on another planet starts blowing more stuff up and the good guys try to ressurrect Optimus Prime to defeat him and set the movie up for a sequel.

In the Proposal a Canadian senior editor and her assistant at a New York publishing house decide to commit marriage fraud in order to further their careers. In the process the Canadian chick has to meet her assistant's family in Alaska and endure their crazy antics while trying to avoid an investigator from the INS. She then freaks out because she doesn't want to hurt his family's feelings and tries to call it off, but then it's too late because they're already in love.

Winner: The Proposal, due to the fact that it actually had a plot.

Second Category: Acting.

The acting in Transformers 2 is abysmal. Shia Lebouf is an ex-Disney kid who grew up with drug addict parents who let him basically do anything he wanted, so now he's a total shit who has no idea how to act. Megan Fox just looks and acts like she's in a porno the entire time. In fact, she probably would have made a great porn star. She can't act for shit but she's basically a piece of meat for 13-year old boys to lust over anyway. Everyone else is a complete failure except the voice actors for Optimus Prime and Megatron.

Sandra Bullock continues to be Sandra Bullock in every movie she's ever been in. She starts out serious and professional but degenerates into this goofy wacky lunatic who can't no anything by herself and therefore becomes irresistible to the male lead. Too bad she's totally unconvincing as a Canadian, which is a major plot point. As for the male lead, Ryan Reynolds continues to be Ryan Reynolds in every single movie he's ever been in. Luckily we have Betty White to round things out.

Winner: The Proposal, for having actual actors who have been in actual movies before.


Category 3: Entertainment Value.

Transformers 2 is entertaining in the way that injecting heroin into your nutsack is entertaining. It's so totally over the top and full of explosions and dying robots and battles and insanity that I don't think it's possible to be bored. But it's the kind of "not being bored" that you'd get if someone threw you out of a plane at 10,000 feet. You're entertained, but it's not enjoyable.

The Proposal is pretty mundane and basic, but its comedy segments might actually engage your sense of humor instead of forcing you to watch two dogs fuck like Transformers does. It's mild humor that might make you laugh, but it's the whitest humor you can imagine.

Winner: Transformers 2, for making sure for 3 hours that you will not be able to look away from the screen.

Category 4: Casual Racism.

Transformers 2 is the most racist movie I have ever seen. It portrays blacks as idiots, Jews as ineffectual losers and Arabs as cannon fodder and paranoid traitors. Two robots in the movie were most certainly referred to in the script as "the nigger-bot twins" who speak ebonics and profess the fact that they can't read. One even has a gold toof.

The Proposal makes fun of a single Mexican guy who is a waiter, a stripper, a store owner and a priest at different points in the film. He is fat and unattractive but at least he works hard.

Winner: Transformers 2 is racist as hell.

Category 5: Sex Appeal.

Sandra Bullock is getting old. But even though she's got crinkles around her eyes and the ravages of time are slowly getting the upper hand, she still looks good naked and runs around in slinky nightclothes for a good portion of the film. And the loud gay guy who was sitting behind me in the theatre kept saying she had "great legs" to his boyfriend, so that settles it.

Megan Fox is the most corporate-approved hot chick in film today. They basically found the hottest piece of ass they could find, viral marketed her as such until the name Megan Fox became synonymous with "hot chick." Unfortunately, she has no soul and when you look into her eyes there is absolutely no life behind them. That is not sexy.

Also there is a hot chick who tries to rape Shia and who turns out to be a Terminator. That was kind of hot.

Winner: Tie

Category 6: Reviewer's Slant.

Transformers 2 hurt my fucking brain and my fucking intelligence. The movie tried to insult me the entire way through by telling me I had no sense of what was quality film-making, that plot didn't matter, that I was a reptillian-brained idiot who just wanted to watch things blow up and moms eating pot brownies and guys getting tazed in the nuts. It is a movie made by Michael Bay, who is some kind of genius who managed to boil action movies down to their core values and amp them up to unbelievable levels. At no point in the movie are you not being stimulated. It is just too much for any person to handle. I did not enjoy it very much.

The Proposal was a very laid-back, very safe movie that wasn't unpleasant to watch. It didn't have anything that blew my mind, wasn't daring and knew what it was: a chick flick. There's goofy comedy spaced evenly throughout a basic plot which was based around marriage fraud, something I've not seen before. The visuals are nice and every character in the movie is white except for one Mexican. One of the characters is Betty White.

Winner: The Proposal, which does not feature Nigger-bots, or try to melt my brain or insult me.


Overall Winner

The Proposal



Transformers 2 is not a movie. It is an American disaster. It's a symbol of why the world hates us. It is brainwashing. Your brain is being tricked into believing it is being entertained, but it is in actuality being over-stimulated in a way that approaches torture.

The Proposal is a chick flick, but the acting and plot is decent and you actually might even care about what happens to the characters by the end. And the ending alludes to the fact that Ryan Reynolds will probably get thrown in jail while Sandra Bullock gets sent back to Canada. So even if you don't like the characters you're not forced to watch them live happily ever after. In Transformers it is obvious that the main characters will never, ever be gotten rid of until the actors themselves OD in real life. Which in Shia's case is hopefully very, very soon.

Men vs Wild (2009) Will Ferrell and Bear Grylls

If you went up to my face and told me that Bear Grylls was going out into the wilderness with Will Ferrell, I would say you're full of shit. That's not even remotely possible. Yet, it has come to this.

They start off on some frozen mountain where Ferrell starts the trip with lots of complaining. Bear Grylls has done this dozens of times so this episode is just a routine for him. As the journey progresses, Ferrell's jokes are noticeably less flamboyant and more fatigued, more angry at his inferiority in this environment, which I think might be a part of his comic persona. Overall, this duo interp has been a chance for Bear Grylls to expand his acting repertoir and maybe defend his survivalist reputation. Wait, what the fuck is Will Ferrell doing here again?

Next on Man vs Wild: Bear Grylls with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan in the African Savanna.
Rating: is Awesome.

Peaceful Warrior (2006)

There's something about this movie that doesn't jive with me. At first, it seemed to be a movie about an athlete coping with a crippling loss, but then it threw in some pseudo philosophical shit, and after one of the main characters got the name "Socrates" it became incredibly gay. I don't even give a shit about gymnastics. What is that, some circus tradition? It just didn't seem right.

So I immediately looked this up on the wiki and found that the author is a former gymnast that peddles a line of inspirational self-help books. So basically, this is a sales pitch disguised as a family movie. The author's message, of course, is nothing more than a small excerpt of traditional Bhuddism about attachment and mental concentration.

As it turns out, this guy also teaches Aikido, which I consider to be a cult practice. Aikijutsu is one of those styles of fighting designed to empower old people and middle aged women with the delusion that they can draw "infinite power" from their aging bodies. Then to cover their asses, they advocate total pacifism, so in this movie the main characters get robbed, but rather than resist the muggers, they happily hand over their watches. Then they have the nerve to call that inner strength. What? I mean, that might look good on paper, but it doesn't make any sense. These people have gotta stop.

Dan Millman should kill himself.
Rating: 30%

The Machinist (2004)

This movie is by far best known for the pictures of emaciated Christian Bale like the one pictured above. His character is a blue collar factory worker with a body that resembles a dehydrated prune. The majority of the movie is spent in bewilderment and irritation in his quest to make sense of these recurrent hallucinations he keeps seeing. Finally, shriveled Christian Bale unlocks a pivotal memory that makes everything crystallize into clarity. But now it's too late. A crazy person cannot return to ordinary life after spending so much time as a crazy person, so the movie just ends.

"Psychological thriller" is perhaps my least favorite genre of movie. It cannot be watched more than once, it is nonsense during the movie, and the story is irrelevant after the movie ends.
Rating: 40%