I want to make it clear that I was against seeing either of these films, but due to the enormous power women have over my nuts (and because I wasn't paying) I saw both in the span of a week. I decided that rather than take each one on single-handedly I would compare and contrast the various strengths and weaknesses of these two wildly different films against one another.
Here are the contestants:
Movie 1: Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
Director: Michael fucking Bay
Genre: Completely overwrought sci-fi action-comedy
Star Actors: Shia "crack addict" Lebouf, Megan "miscast porn star" Foxxx, Optimus Prime
Budget: A million billion Spielberg dollars
Movie 2: The Proposal
Director: Some chick
Genre: Romantic comedy
Star Actors: Sandra "career rebound" Bullock, Ryan "punch me" Reynolds
Budget: Enough to keep Betty White alive though filming
The plot in Transformers 2 begins with the annoying kid from Transformers going to college and making the brilliant decision to leave his transforming robot car in his mom's garage because he needs his space. Then he makes the second brilliant decision to leave his perfect 10 of a girlfriend behind where she builds custom choppers or some unbelievable shit. He has a shard of something in his pocket that brings his toaster to life which promptly tries to kill him. Then a bunch of evil robots start blowing things up in order to ressurrect Megatron from the bottom of the ocean. Then Shia starts seeing things and Megatron tries to steal his brain, then decides to kill Optimus prime, then decides to drop a bunch of robots from space to blow up some stuff and declare war on all humans before trying to blow up the sun. Then an Egyptian transformer who was hiding on another planet starts blowing more stuff up and the good guys try to ressurrect Optimus Prime to defeat him and set the movie up for a sequel.
In the Proposal a Canadian senior editor and her assistant at a New York publishing house decide to commit marriage fraud in order to further their careers. In the process the Canadian chick has to meet her assistant's family in Alaska and endure their crazy antics while trying to avoid an investigator from the INS. She then freaks out because she doesn't want to hurt his family's feelings and tries to call it off, but then it's too late because they're already in love.
Winner: The Proposal, due to the fact that it actually had a plot.
The acting in Transformers 2 is abysmal. Shia Lebouf is an ex-Disney kid who grew up with drug addict parents who let him basically do anything he wanted, so now he's a total shit who has no idea how to act. Megan Fox just looks and acts like she's in a porno the entire time. In fact, she probably would have made a great porn star. She can't act for shit but she's basically a piece of meat for 13-year old boys to lust over anyway. Everyone else is a complete failure except the voice actors for Optimus Prime and Megatron.
Sandra Bullock continues to be Sandra Bullock in every movie she's ever been in. She starts out serious and professional but degenerates into this goofy wacky lunatic who can't no anything by herself and therefore becomes irresistible to the male lead. Too bad she's totally unconvincing as a Canadian, which is a major plot point. As for the male lead, Ryan Reynolds continues to be Ryan Reynolds in every single movie he's ever been in. Luckily we have Betty White to round things out.
Winner: The Proposal, for having actual actors who have been in actual movies before.
Category 3: Entertainment Value.
Transformers 2 is entertaining in the way that injecting heroin into your nutsack is entertaining. It's so totally over the top and full of explosions and dying robots and battles and insanity that I don't think it's possible to be bored. But it's the kind of "not being bored" that you'd get if someone threw you out of a plane at 10,000 feet. You're entertained, but it's not enjoyable.
The Proposal is pretty mundane and basic, but its comedy segments might actually engage your sense of humor instead of forcing you to watch two dogs fuck like Transformers does. It's mild humor that might make you laugh, but it's the whitest humor you can imagine.
Winner: Transformers 2, for making sure for 3 hours that you will not be able to look away from the screen.
Transformers 2 is the most racist movie I have ever seen. It portrays blacks as idiots, Jews as ineffectual losers and Arabs as cannon fodder and paranoid traitors. Two robots in the movie were most certainly referred to in the script as "the nigger-bot twins" who speak ebonics and profess the fact that they can't read. One even has a gold toof.
The Proposal makes fun of a single Mexican guy who is a waiter, a stripper, a store owner and a priest at different points in the film. He is fat and unattractive but at least he works hard.
Winner: Transformers 2 is racist as hell.
Sandra Bullock is getting old. But even though she's got crinkles around her eyes and the ravages of time are slowly getting the upper hand, she still looks good naked and runs around in slinky nightclothes for a good portion of the film. And the loud gay guy who was sitting behind me in the theatre kept saying she had "great legs" to his boyfriend, so that settles it.
Megan Fox is the most corporate-approved hot chick in film today. They basically found the hottest piece of ass they could find, viral marketed her as such until the name Megan Fox became synonymous with "hot chick." Unfortunately, she has no soul and when you look into her eyes there is absolutely no life behind them. That is not sexy.
Also there is a hot chick who tries to rape Shia and who turns out to be a Terminator. That was kind of hot.
Winner: Tie
Transformers 2 hurt my fucking brain and my fucking intelligence. The movie tried to insult me the entire way through by telling me I had no sense of what was quality film-making, that plot didn't matter, that I was a reptillian-brained idiot who just wanted to watch things blow up and moms eating pot brownies and guys getting tazed in the nuts. It is a movie made by Michael Bay, who is some kind of genius who managed to boil action movies down to their core values and amp them up to unbelievable levels. At no point in the movie are you not being stimulated. It is just too much for any person to handle. I did not enjoy it very much.
The Proposal was a very laid-back, very safe movie that wasn't unpleasant to watch. It didn't have anything that blew my mind, wasn't daring and knew what it was: a chick flick. There's goofy comedy spaced evenly throughout a basic plot which was based around marriage fraud, something I've not seen before. The visuals are nice and every character in the movie is white except for one Mexican. One of the characters is Betty White.
Winner: The Proposal, which does not feature Nigger-bots, or try to melt my brain or insult me.
Overall Winner
The Proposal
Transformers 2 is not a movie. It is an American disaster. It's a symbol of why the world hates us. It is brainwashing. Your brain is being tricked into believing it is being entertained, but it is in actuality being over-stimulated in a way that approaches torture.
The Proposal is a chick flick, but the acting and plot is decent and you actually might even care about what happens to the characters by the end. And the ending alludes to the fact that Ryan Reynolds will probably get thrown in jail while Sandra Bullock gets sent back to Canada. So even if you don't like the characters you're not forced to watch them live happily ever after. In Transformers it is obvious that the main characters will never, ever be gotten rid of until the actors themselves OD in real life. Which in Shia's case is hopefully very, very soon.
1 comment:
Wow I must have written that then passed out, but it's definitely me.
Post a Comment