Enemy At the Gates, Timeline, KEANE!!

In newsweek it says that 100,000 weblog "blogs" are created each and every goddamn day. This one was made on december 9. It now has 2 posts.


Here are some fun movie reviews either from me or stolen from other peoples' AOL instant messanger profiles. Forgot to trademark your shit, didn't ya?


Enemy At the Gates-
After being consistently shot in the head by freaks with such names as ~SnipelordVassilyZeitzef6969~ and (TheDecimatorz)KaptainK(+)onig in various shooter games online, I started to wonder what all the fuss was about with this damn movie. The fact of it is, everyone deep down has the primal caveman urge to throw a rock at a guy from a perfect hiding spot and yell out "OWNED!!" (or I guess "MUGWAH!!" in caveman language) as the victim rubs the huge lump on his head and makes up a new primitive meteor-god on the spot to explain the occurrence. This primal urge stayed pretty much the same as man evolved into what he is now, which means instead of rocks he uses high-powered scoped rifles from 800 meters and aims directly for the eye so as not to ruin the pelt. Real snipers nowadays (or at least the good ones) chant "I am a rock...I am a stone...I do not move" before pegging Germans in the head while their easily-killed sniper buddies do something completely retarded like light up a cigarette in the middle of a war-zone or scream "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE *SPLAT*" as their brains get spread out over the general vicinity...cause they're just not as cool as hero ~[Fatal!ty]SnipePimpJudeLaw2005~ or Vasily Zeitzef as he's supposed to be playing. This movie is actually pretty swell in that it portrays the Eastern front of WW2, which pretty much goes against every other WW2 movie ever made, ever. Why? Because I guess western audiences just don't get the appeal of 10,000 guys screaming "URRAH!!" and running into a hail of deadly gunfire (which explains the lack of WW1 movie appeal too). Two things I learned from this movie...
1. Commissars are the best! Who else gets to scream "Not one step taken in retreat!" and shoot their own guys as they panic and try to get away? I don't want to get into the Iraq war, but here's what's missing over there: Guys like that.
2. Sniper Sex. You fucking heard me, when snipers have sex they do it covert style so no one can see or hear them. This makes for the hottest and most covert sex scene ever filmed. From now on, it's only sniper sex for me. She'll be wondering where the hell I am, and suddenly...BAM out of nowhere comes the money shot right in her eye. I'll probably have to be hiding in the closet, or maybe by the window of the house next door...
review by - Frankenstein


Timeline-
Having read the book in my freshman year of highschool I wanted to see the movie when it came out in the summer of 03. David stopped me by saying the movie sucked, probably beacause he read so on rottontomatoes. He was right. The only part I enjoyed was watching trebuchets pound English fortifications under volly fire by battlefront longbowmen, which I then duplicated on aoe2.
review by- balls


Keane-
Who says indie films aren't good? My favorite part was when Keane started clawing at his face and screaming at strangers to stop looking at him at a bowling alley. Or maybe it was when, having lost his daughter in a public place in New York, he assumes the next random person he meets in the subway station was her abductor and physically attacks him when he tries to get a cab. Luckily some random people kick his ass and he runs away muttering to himself. Or maybe when he babysits the young daughter of the woman he meets at a seedy motel and decides to abandon her a few times just for kicks. And you lost your own daughter...how? Or maybe it's when he hooks up in a nightclub with some woman in the public restroom and accidentally blows his load inside her even though she told him not to. Oh, Keane! You're always getting yourself into scrapes. I think this movie could have been improved 1000% by including a soundtrack (to complement the nonexistent one) with one of those little tubas going wah wah wahhhhhhh after he did anything disturbing or insane. A 15 minute long uninterrupted shot of you muttering insanities to yourself in the subway station? Keane, what are we ever going to do with you! Wah wahhhhhhh.
review by - Frankenstein