I am Time's Person Of The Year

Finally, after years of being snubbed by the people at Time Magazine, I get the recognition that I had worked so hard for:


I guess uploading all those videos of prank calls to the Gogeous George show on Youtube really paid off. Although I'm not sure if I completley deserve the honors of Person Of The Year. I faced some stiff competition with the guy who uploaded the videos of people vomiting during live TV interviews, or the other guy who uploaded videos of large flopping dicks in the background of news reports. Or the video of the guy doing a backflip off a dumpster and breaking his face on the concrete. I mean, those were good.

Who the hell are we kidding? Time's Person Of The Year means jack shit. Just look at how condecending the caption on the front cover is. "Yes, you", as if the mere common dogshit populace would never consider themselves important or noteworthy. "You control the information age. Welcome to your world." Yeah, well our world sucks. Thank god we have Time Magazine telling us that we have empowered ourselves to watch videos of college frat boys breaking bottles over each other's heads. Welcome to the future.

Time's Person of The Year never meant jack shit after 2001:

Seriously, FUCK Guliani. So worthless. I admit Time Magazine partially redeemed themselves in 2002, honoring the three people who blew open the Enron scandel, but Time returned to their usual douchebaggery in 2003:

Maybe in 1943. In 2003 there were a lot more people who deserved the honor than a bunch of people with guns who kill other people for money. Like those high school janitors who have to clean up human feces on bathroom floors because an outgoing senior thought it was funny to leave a "going away present". Let's take a moment to make sure this cover is all in order. Token black guy...check. Majority of white guys....check. Hooded, naked Abu Ghraib prisoner being led around on a leash....oh wait I guess that wouldn't be patriotic. Well congrajulations, American Soldier. Don't feel bad dying to an IED because we already gave you all we got. Stuff like this is so effective I put a "Support the troops" sticker on the back of my car so now US M16s will fire with +1 damage and with extra 2D6 damage to Arabs .

So Person of the Year in 2004 went to George W. Bush. Gay. 2005 was just as stupid with this:


Bill Gates, Bono, and Melinda Gates. So basically it's just Bill Gates but for some reason the geniuses at Time decided to put that douchebag Bono in there. I guess having a computer nerd on the cover of Time wouldn't sell any magazines, but Bono just raises the coolness level of the cover to the max. I also like how Melinda Gates is just tacked onto the right edge of the cover, like she's trying to get her face in the picture before they snap the photo. And why is Bono inserted between Bill and Melinda Gates like Bono was one of their sons?

And that brings us to the total cop-out of 2006, where "everybody wins!". It took ten years for Time to recognize that the internet is the next big thing? Fuck them. I wish Time would stop pussing out, choose a real person (emphasis on the singular here) and choose someone who really matters.