Braveheart(1995)

I've been intending to see this for years. For 12 years, in fact, and that was a time when I wasn't permitted to watch TV to boot. Now that I've watched it, I'm better off not because of the archaic content(even I can admit this one is pretty old), but because I got to see Mel Gibson get tortured again.
That blue shit that the Scots painted on thier faces is Woad, an archaic dye that used to be a trade item in old Europe. It inspired the "Woad Raider" of the AOE2 real-time strategy game in which Wallace also makes an appearance.
Gibson should be given credit in that his excrutiatingly painful execution in Braveheart was much less gruesome than the historical account, although he has been doing much more carnal torture acting recently.

Barbaro: A nation mournes a horse.

Farewell, sweet prince.

This is breaking news, Barbaro the horse is DEAD. Oh the humanity. Oh the horsemanity.

After suffering a massive headwound from a nearby camper during the 2006 pr34kne55 match, Barbaro couldn't even remember his own name. His owner would have to use kibble to entice him from his hospital stall at the center for diseased ungulates in West Virginia (WVCDU). Ungulate means "hooved mammal."

Barbaro touched all our lives by being the first horse to win the Kentucky Derby since last year. 33 years old, he was one of the youngest horses to do so. A single mother of five was able to get out of debt by betting on Barbaro in the event, the payoff being $70,000. Barbaro was the dark horse candidate, but that's just an expression.


I think we will all miss him (her?) as we struggle through our pointless lives. Barbaro was a beacon of hope in a land ruled by war, terror and death. Now he (she?) is a beacon of death in a land ruled by incompitence.

Thanks a fucking lot, modern science.

Barbaro the horse is laid to rest in a cryochamber for future resurrection.
He is the future's last hope.

EMC Monkeys

You can tell through the EMC style of stunts and flips that they're into capoiera, probably did a few sessions with the breakers, and maybe even trained in parkour jumps. It also shows because of thier choice of clothes, which are bad for anything grappling or ground fighting.

A rather ridiculous part of their style is the way they run, with their hands flailing behind them, parallel to the ground, "running with no hands", just like in Naruto. I am pretty sure that it was narutard inspired, as it dosen't really work and makes running considerably harder. I know, I've tried it.
On top of that they like to mix in gangbanger style with asian tradition. On the back of thier shirts are written chinese characters like "Heaven" or "Monkey"

However, there's a substancial lacking in intelligence, as on the website you can find a stunt profile with a description of heritage: "1/2 Chinese, 1/2 Cambodian, 1/2 Vietnamese" which erroneously totals 3/2, meaning that he either has an unusual case of polyploidy(too many chromosomes) or didn't spend enough time practicing fractions.
These guys are entertaining, although nothing special. You can frequently find likeminded people training on the gymnastics mats or on the grass wearing "Uchiha" on black clothing. A local UCD group at the arc is shown below.

Guide To Griefing: Literati

Scrabble, or called "Literati" by Yahoo Games, is a classic crossword board game. Literati allows you to play online for rating points, which allows you to gauge how good a player is. Winning games gets you a higher rating, and losing games lowers your rating. As expected, most players hate to lose rating points.

The purpose of griefing in Literati is to lower your opponents rating while raising your own. Of course, this is what everyone is doing by playing the game, but you want to achieve this with as little effort as possible.

To do this, you don't actually want to win a game by playing it all the way through, you want to make the other player resign and forfeit rating points. I am going to show you how to do this by walking you through a few common-type games.

Game Type 1: The Cheat and Trash Talk Combo

The first thing to do in any game type is to load up Yahoo Literati, then create a table with only 2 players, and make it rated. Once you are in the game, go to the "Set Timer" button and then disable the 3 minute time limit. This is crucial to any victory, as will be shown later.

The second thing to do in any type of game is to load up a Scrabble Word finder, like http://www.scrabblewordfinder.com or http://www.puzzledepot.com/wordfinder2/scrabble.html. These web-based programs allow you to type in the letters you have, and it will spit out a winning combination for you. What you want to go for here is using all your letters so you get a 35 point "bingo" bonus.

So start a game, feed your letters into the unscrambler program, and make those giant words that tear great chunks of points off the board. Pretty soon, if you did it right, you'll be 100 points ahead of your opponent in only the first 3 turns. However, the point is to make your opponent quit before the game is actually played out. This is where taunting kicks in:


It is important that the taunting only occurs AFTER you made big gains on the board. Taunting too early in the game before points are made will only anger your opponent and increase his resolve to play the game through. Taunting after you are clearly winning is like stabbing a gunshot wound. Your opponent has just realized that he's walked into the lions den, and to avoid further humiliation, will have to quit:


Mission accomplished. Granted, I only got one point out of that, but the guy was a 1474 point chump. Taking him out took only 5 minutes. By that time I was leading by 120 points. He had no chance. As for trash-talk methods, go nuts. Insult his name, his score, his mom, do anything to unnerve him. The more responses you get, the closer he is to breaking down and quitting. See you later.

Game Type 2: Waiting it out

Sometimes you don't want to bother with loading up word unscramblers and all that BS. In this type of game, all you need to win is time. This is ideal for situations where you need to do something else, and want to rack up the points with zero effort. To win, you don't even need to play a turn at all.

All you need to do is create a game with the same parameters as before. Once your opponent sits down and you start the game, DON'T DO ANYTHING. Yes, it is that easy. Simply do not play your turn and the game is stalled. This is why disabling the time limit is crucial. In the meantime, you can study, watch TV, or anything else, while your opponent sits dumbly at the computer screen.

Sometimes, your opponent will get impatient and offer to cancel the game:


Whatever you do, do not click "Yes". If for any reason you must leave the game or forfeit because waiting him out is taking too long, you can click "Yes" and then leave the game with no penalty. By giving you this option, your opponent has guaranteed that either you win or nothing happens.

One important thing you must do in the wait game is to go into Iron-Man Mode. What this means is that you do not speak or make any actions AT ALL. This aids in the psychological effect in making your opponent think that you are an unmovable, unrelenting force. If you talk or make any moves, it only humanizes you. I cannot stress this enough.

Game Type 3: Play Until Start Losing, Then Wait

This game type is a combination of Types 1 and 2. However, in this game type, what you do is start playing normally (using word unscrambler), but at the moment you start losing, you switch into wait-mode. Let me make this part clear: no matter how much you use the word unscramblers, you can still lose a game due to the skill of your opponent and the letters given to you. The luck factor will confound your cheating factor all the time.

This is why Game Type 3 gives you the greatest chance of success. You start off by blatantly cheating, then if due to luck, you start losing, you have another chance to win by waiting. Here is an example:


In this example I started losing even though I was using the hacks. At this point I switched from cheat-mode to wait-mode. About one hour later:

Textbook success. Always remember the Golden Rule of Waiting: the more your opponent talks, the closer he is to folding. In this situation, my opponent tried to fake me out by saying that she was working on the PC all day. Of course, by using the Golden Rule I knew right away that this was a lie.

With that victory in hand, let's check back in with the Game Type 2 that I left open:


This one was funny because the person from the Type 3 Game came into this room to complain about my waiting technique. Her efforts were wasted.

This covers the 3 basic types of games that you will encounter while griefing.

Other notes:

You can tell a lot about your opponent from the icon that he/she chooses:

Says: Average adult male
Tactic: This is the basic, normal opponent with no clear weaknesses or strengths. For these, I like to start out with straight-up taunting in order to gauge what kind of player he is.

Says: I am a girl, please take it easy on me =P
Tactic: Easy pickings. Any of the 3 tactics will win.


Says: Old granny at home
Tactic: Be cautious. Grannies are either your worst nightmare or easiest target. Waiting them out will be futile. However, taunting may break their osteoporosed bones easily.


Says: Word d3v1l 666 killa X69
Tactic: Probably a 10 year old kid. Taunting will be ineffective, but waiting will go over their alotted computer game time, or cut into their DBZ show.


Says: Delicate flower
Tactic: Free win. Demolish at will.

Other tactics include starting a game and talking in a different language to confuse your opponent, pretending to be a Yahoo Games admin, etc. There are many other psychological games you can play. Let your griefer imagination flow, and you will soon be the king of Literati.

Next: Guide to Griefing Warcraft III

Memento(2000)

"Do I lie to myself to be happy?"

Thats the moral of the story. Leonard lies to himself to make him happy because he can't remember the truth. Without anyone who can kill him, he strives continuously to regain a scrambled sense of reality, causing him to live in a rampage of chaos, hostility, and murder.

Leonard is based on a true character in the field of psychoscience widely known as "Patient H.M.". He was an epilepsy patient in the 50's that received surgical intervention(an excision of his hippocampus, a nucleous of the brain) to quell the seizures that plagued him. After the operation, his existing memory was intact, but like Leonard, was left with only short-term mentation. He was able to learn things over time -like the piano- with which he became impressively proficient, although each time he played felt like his first. Unlike in Memento; however, he remained in patient care as a case study for medical scientists well into his 80's and is alive even today.

What neurologists gained from him is simple anatomy: "When the hippocampus stops working, you stop creating new memories."

The condition is called "severe anterograde" or "anterior retrograde amnesia" as was called in Memento and is a fearsome prospect to me. With this kind of cranial damage, you are both physically and mentally alive and yet almost the same as the lifeless dead. While I have no problems remembering a face, I have problems recalling names(or maybe I just don't care for them), requiring repitition or even a Leonard style note-taking to commit it to memory, indicating a similar mental deficit. But the real take home message is this: Don't get hit in the head and for christ sake stop boxing before you get stupid.

I just Blogged your Blog: An experiment in meta-blogging part II

Cruel Virgin (http://www.cruelvirgin.blogspot.com/)


Name: Mysteriously absent...
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Blogging Since: June 2005

Summary: Cruelly under-appreciated public college lecturer who is fascinated, just fascinated about a great variety of subjects. Oh, cruel world, why hast thou made me smarter and more eloquent than everyone else so that I might endure the pain and suffering I see in the troubled world of today? And blog endlessly on and on and on about it? Cruel Virgin is truly a learn-ed person who ruminates about pretty much every dumb thing she reads about in her alternative newsletters and sees on her favorite public access TV shows. And what a tortured individual she is! Who else would dare featuring "cruel utterances" instead of just plain "replies" in their blog? Oh yeah, and she thinks the Iraq war is just about oil and that Bush lies. How unique!


Notable Quotes:

"I don't know if this post will address those who still trust in time. I'm not writing this at a great moment in which everything is just lovely. I feel some hurts from the past bubbling up, things I thought I was done with, but wouldn't you know--they found me again. But I refuse to be a fool. I will live life harboring my strengths, not bemoaning my weaknesses and damage. I won't punish the human race for what a few rotten souls chose to do when they forgot the difference between good and evil."

Frankenstein Says: After reading a few of this woman's posts, I may have to go out on a limb and say that she might not be very capable of punishing the entire human race for its evils, or even a portion of it, or even a portion of the insect race. However, I have a feeling she has enough meager strength in her waifish, pacifist fingers to type out another million-word post every 3 days.
Balls Says: I want to go to her emo lecture.
Justin Says:
Pat Says: I agree, the world is filled with good and evil except she failed to give any specific examples. Perhaps she needs to quit giving us all blue balls and actively describe these foul demons she keep crying about. Oh boo fucking hoo, so much evil in the world. Yea, you know who i think is evil that overgrown birthmark on your upperlip. You need someone with a sword and a horse, or maybe even a blood sucking leech working in dermatology. At least he get's paid to "cut" things off stupid bitches. Maybe you should go to congress and bitch about the rights of dermatologists and make it legal for them to cut your fucking head off. I've had about enough of you stupid birthmark girl!


"I went to the doctor yesterday only to find out the gladsome news that I have pneumonia. It's one thing to be sick, but I have a ton of work to do before I start work next week (providing I'm better). So if I am invisible from your blogs and equally invisible on mine, it's because it is hard to sit up for long periods of time
and when I can, I get my work done. Let's hope these inhalers and antibiotics do their thing. I hope all of you are well. Drink lots of fluids--that's what they are telling me to do!
Thanks for coming here, and I'll be back soon. Feel free to share your illness stories with me. If I don't comment right away, it doesn't mean I don't love you. It's just that there are some germs out there that hate me!"

Frankenstein Says: Sickliness: Check. Shout-outs to other blogs: Check. Crybaby attitude towards obstacles: Check. Use of word "gladsome:" Check. Tower, we are go for suicide, commencing razor sequence...now.
Balls Says: The fact that the doctor failed to notice and diagnose the razor scars on her wrists and periferals and possibly face is a case in medical malpractice.
Justin Says:
Pat Says: This girl has a serious case of hypochondria. If I somewhat cared about this girl and her problems I'd suggest having a monogamous relationship with a cat, or 20. Cat's are tidy and tend to clean after themselves. You can always kick them and they won't be dead til after their ninth life. So when you think your sneeze carried the most deadly plague on the planet and your cat is lying on the ground in a cold sweat barely moving. Don't worry because your cat will pop up like a piece of burnt toast and announce that he has 8 more lives to spare on your disease infested/parasite hotel/body/soul which ever you chose to indentify yourself by, lousy stinking carcass. Eitherway I hope you consider death as your only option.


"Here is my deepest fear: harm to my child. Would I hate if someone hurt, abused and murdered my child? I am no seer, but the odds are leaning toward the negative zone. Would killing the perpetrator with my own hands cease the effects of the crime? No, it makes my grief selfish. I won't be able to stop thinking about what happened to my child, even if his attacker goes through the exact torments that he endured. So what can be done?"

Frankenstein Says: All of this is, of course, hypothetical if she is in fact an actual virgin, which I have no reason to doubt. I bet her uterus broke during volleyball practice in seventh grade PE.
Balls Says: Killing a criminal with your own hands sounds exhilarating to me...that is...if you can.
Justin Says:
Pat Says: Children are like rats, you have lots of them so if one dies, you wont feel so bad. Havent you ever read any of Stalins work. He once said a beautiful quote along the lines, "Kill one person, it becomes a tragedy, kill a million it becomes a statistic." You obviously haven't killed enough people otherwise you'd be counting them out with those huge graphing calculators that have paper print-outs. So my advice is to kill yourself.


"I discovered a new talent: I am great at making enemies. This may not shock many of you, but it hit me like a Mack truck this morning. I piss people off royal--at times, I am okay with that, because certain things need to be said, and I am willing to say them. Yet lately I have been generally avoiding problematic issues unless they truly challenge me. In other words, I have been trying to lay low."

Frankenstein Says: When everything you say is pretentious enough to legally require a punch in the face, it's hard to make friends.
Balls Says: wtf is a mack truck.
Justin Says:
Pat Says: I hope you can't avoid problematic people who are sick of your insesent rambling. We need something in this world. Not stupid people who identify problems. No we have enough of those we arent hiring anymore the doors are shut. We need people who will make people like you shut the fuck up. I propose manufacturing double barrel shot guns and handing them out on halloween. Let kids try them out, adults are too careful they cant kill anything except for stupid fury animals in Idalo when they release government regulations. Kids dont give a fuck about government regulations because a majority of them can't even read. Fuck you emo bitch.


"I was tested for autism as a child because I would not talk to anyone except my mom, my older brother and occasionally to one of my sisters. I could sit somewhere for hours and say nothing. I miss those days."

Frankenstein Says: All together now...
Balls Says: I don't see why she misses that since blogging is also "sitting silently somewhere for hours."
Justin Says:
Pat Says: Autism? put that on your resume. I bet the fortune 500 will be knocking at your door with an Austrian Glock to make you shut the fuck up.



Final Review:


Wordiness Score: !!!!! (5 out of 5. Blogger.com now has entire servers dedicated to her cruel utterances)
Zaniness Score: :D (1 out of 5, hard to be zany when the weight of the world is crushing your ovaries)
Emo Score: o_\\ o_\\ o_\\ o_\\ (4 emokids out of 5)
WTF Score: ???? (4 out of 5)
Pix Score: .jpg .jpg .jpg .jpg .jpg (5 out of 5. Wow. Just wow.)


Verdict: Nerdy, frumpy girl becomes pacifist vigilante, thanks to the internet. Which the Army invented, partly to help make killing Viet and Iraqi babies more efficient. The irony is the cruellest part of all.

1 4M H4><0R1N6 J00R 1N74RN375

You heard me, I'm haxoring your internets!!

Haxoring the internets is easy, if you have the right equipment. No longer do you have to be good with computers, or even relatively intelligent or intuitive. Great news, eh? Far back in geologic time, hackers used to have to be computer nerds who would slave over millions of lines of code at their sorry little workstations just to steal your PIN number in order to get cash to buy more hentai. Nowadays, thanks to the advent of super-futuristic wi-fi devices (which any idiot who's tired of tripping on wires can get at the super Wal*Mart and plug into the phone jack), the internets are easier to steal than ever.

I remember when it would take days for the plumber to show up and install the internets pipe into the house, and even then the internets pressure would be terrible on the upstairs floor. Now, thanks to insane space-age technology utilizing a combination of infra-red, X and advanced radio waves, you can just plug a linksys router into the wall and spread the internets all over the general vicinity for all to enjoy. And I do mean ALL. And by that I mean ME.

linksys n00bs are easy to hax.

It's kind of like a rich man installing a fountain that shoots not water but molten gold. Sure, the rich guy can enjoy his molten gold from the fountain instead of an inconvenient spigot in his harem, but what happens when all the poor people start running up with pots and pans and upturned hats to catch the precious metal from the sky as it sprays all over? We keep it, that's what.

A hi-gain antenna is basically the poor man's upturned hat of the internets world. Having one entitles the user to feast on the luscious internets that flow freely from the homes and businesses of others. Point the thing at a random window, hit "refresh" until you get a good one, and connect away.




Here are some tips for the layman internets stealer. No pipe wrenches or excavating necessary!

1. You need an antenna with a built-in wireless card. Hawking tech makes a bunch of these, all of which look pretty pimp and are fun to aim at peoples' houses. Hawking tech is like the guy in the game Thief: The Dark Project who supplies you with water arrows in return for some of your loot. He's helping you steal, but he wants a piece of the action himself.

2. You need a computer. The internets doesn't just download porn directly into your pants, you need a monitor to actually see it.

3. You need a mark. Your antenna will find one, rest assured. The name of the mark you've found is a good indicator of how much internets you'll be able to steal from them without them noticing.

Good marks:
linksys (encryption off)
d-link (encryption off)
NETGEAR (encryption off)
sammysfirstwifi<3 (encryption off)
420 numba1stunna (encryption off)
plz give me internet u fuckin router (encryption off)

Bad marks:
Notyourfuckinghotspot (encryption on)
idareyoutoconnect (encryption off)
FBI Seattle 5th Floor Blue Sector Router (encryption on)
1337GhostHacker1337 (encryption on)
I watch the lights on my router go on when you turn on your computer you little shit a.k.a. the next door neighbor (encryption off)



Not surprisingly, this entire post was sent to you over stolen internets! Better purge your cookies, you don't want to be indicted when I go down. Happy wifi hunting.

Afro Samurai(2007)

Afro Samurai is another Hip-Hop Bushido anime insipred by Champloo. Mugen dosen't live here tho; he wouldnt live past the first night in this insanity. Afro samurai is 10x more extreme, 20x more blood soaked with brutality, and 300x more aaaaaaafrican than Samurai Champloo and on top of that, he's got ghetto style. He is Mugen on a lethal dose of PCP and hes still a lot faster. Only in a world this shitty, does a bushido warrior have to deal with RPG launchers and truck-sized bruisers while drinking lemonade through a silly straw after lighting his blunt. With all that bloodletting, what were they fighting for? A title? A headband? Thats right, they killed thier enemies for the most ballerass headband in Japan...or Africa. Oh, and they used blackberry to do it. No suprise there.
Everything is in English. Wise choice. This allows everyone to start talking in street beat ebonics from the very begining, utilizing not only funny black commentary but also the voice talent of Sam L. Jackson who is the voice of Afro Samurai. What the fuck? Him saying, "Oishi...refreshing!", is a first for me.

Santa's Slay(2005)

This is one of those movies that's intentionally horrible to make it hilarious, and every way of making it more horrible has been given careful thought. Former pro wrestler Bill Goldburg plays Santa, who turns out to be the extremely buff brother of Satan. In extreme contrast to his usual activities, he decides to kill people for Christmas, going from house to house on his "hell deer" powered battle sled.
The movie is split between 2 motifs: an implausably cheesy teen love story and Santa on a killing spree. You can ignore all the storyline and character shit because it's soundly boring and is nearly irrelevant. Don't get the wrong impression though. The kills are horribly creative, including impaling a jew with a menorah, clocking a bouncer with a stripper pole, and an ocular stabbing with a candy cane, all the while playing trumped up Christmas songs. You will either get a good laugh out of this or hate this movie with a burning passion.

The Hanging of Saddam Hussein video Was Inhumane and Barbaric

This video was a crime against humanity. You don't fight barbarism with a crummy cell phone recording of the dictator's death, you fight it with DVD Blueray IMAX level quality. What the hell is this grainy, pixilated crap?:



The entire lead-up to the execution was rushed. There should have been time for at least three cameras, all at different angles. Maybe one that centers on his face, and a head-cam for Saddam so we can get Hussein-vision. Instead, we have a strangely rushed execution that left no time for cinematic preperation. Another outrage is that no Sunni lawyer was allowed to witness this, and perhaps bring a camera of his own.

The taunting of Saddam before and after his death was also barbaric. Would it kill them to hire a professional translator to put some subtitles in so we know what they're saying? I'm missing out on the total immersion of this unique experience. Where is the pre-execution commentary, or post-execution wrap up segments?

Costume design was also poor. The executioners don't look bad ass at all, they look like mere convience store robbers or street muggers. We need blacker hoods, and maybe a big muscular shirtless guy to do the honors. Skinny men in ski masks, jackets and jeans just doesn't exude that medieval-style cool.

The climax suffered the most. Watching this for the first time, I was thinking "Yeah this quality sucks so hard but it will all be worth it seeing him die." But wait, the screen goes black right when Saddam falls through the hole. Wonderful. We don't even get to see how hard his body snapped, if he struggled against the noose or anything. All we got was blue balled. To lead us on like this, tantalize us with promises of a great death, then deny us the payoff is inhumane. And how would Saddam feel? To leave the world in amatuer-level cinematography is cruel and unusual.

I guess I'll have to wait for the DVD for deleted scenes and director's commentary.

Apocalypto, Hotel Royale, HAPPY FEET!!!

Apocalypto-

Once me and two of my buddies decided to go watch Blade 2 in a theatre. After a few hours of blood-soaked head-exploding skin-burning apocalyptically disgusting violence, I remember leaving the theatre in a daze while one of my buddies said "I could kill someone right now and not feel anything."
Such is Apocalypto, another fine film by the master of naked men being tortured to death, Mel Gibson. I won't fall into the trap of saying Gibson's a Catholic maniac who takes advantage of noble ancient cultures for a bloodsoaked Tits N' Ass rampage through the history book...because that's what the audience fucking wants! He's playing to our needs perfectly. If I didn't want to see survival horror with a blue-painted guy who just NARROWLY missed getting his heart pulled out and head cut off as he runs through the woods gruesomely killing off one pursuer after another, I would have gone to see Charlotte's Web. This movie is like a time machine into the past, absolutely no detail of ancient Mayan culture is spared from being included and it looks freaking insane. And by the time you get to the very end of the movie, if you know your history you'll know that poor Jaguar Paw is having the worst day that anyone has ever had...EVER.



Happy Feet!!!!!-

If the commercials give you anyeurisms because "HOLY SHIT...THEY'S DANCIN' PEN-GOO-WINS!! YEEE HAWWW!!! MAW, FETCH ALL THE CHILDRIN, WE'S GOIN TA' THE MEGAPLEX" then you're probably from the deep south and those fucking commercials were designed just for you. And for that, FUCK YOU.
This movie is not just about penguins dancing. Yeah, every once in a while a penguin will dance. Sometimes one will sing. The thing is, it doesnt happen all the time, because in between there's actual dialogue and plot. What kind of plot? Humans don't give a fuck about nature. Unless it dances.
Disney marketing obviously picked up on this idea and marketed the movie not as a sometimes chilling remark on human disregard for animal life, but as dancing fucking penguins.
But maybe it's for the best, because there are times where this movie turns the whole "cute penguins" thing on its head. The "artificial habitat" scene alone probably screws up kids as much as the "running through the rape woods" scene in Snow White has done for decades. I've seen angry mothers who didn't realize the movie was actually ABOUT something...if they had known, they probably would have taken their spawn to see Charlotte's Web instead. But wait...Charlotte dies!!! Maybe if your kids read books they'd have figured it out already, numbnuts.



Hotel Royale -

The new Bond isn't smooth. He's not debonaire. He's the kind of guy who, when given the assignment to kill a guy, will opt to drown him in the sink of a public bathroom instead of just shooting him and making a witty comment. This Bond is hated by the boss, written off as a loser, messes up assignments, gets his ass kicked frequently and generally gets himself into one scrape after another. He'll get the girl, but he's such an easy target in this movie that the girl inevitably gets brutalized as well just because she was in the vicinity. This Bond is perma-pissed, but wouldn't you be if people kept poisoning your drinks and you had to excuse yourself from the card table, go induce vomiting and use your tricked-out spy car as a defibrillator? I hope you got enough of the Pierce Brosnan years, because that Bond died between films and they replaced him with a maniac. Also they replaced Q with scenes of Bond getting tortured in the balls. Not kidding.