Apocalypto-
Once me and two of my buddies decided to go watch Blade 2 in a theatre. After a few hours of blood-soaked head-exploding skin-burning apocalyptically disgusting violence, I remember leaving the theatre in a daze while one of my buddies said "I could kill someone right now and not feel anything."
Such is Apocalypto, another fine film by the master of naked men being tortured to death, Mel Gibson. I won't fall into the trap of saying Gibson's a Catholic maniac who takes advantage of noble ancient cultures for a bloodsoaked Tits N' Ass rampage through the history book...because that's what the audience fucking wants! He's playing to our needs perfectly. If I didn't want to see survival horror with a blue-painted guy who just NARROWLY missed getting his heart pulled out and head cut off as he runs through the woods gruesomely killing off one pursuer after another, I would have gone to see Charlotte's Web. This movie is like a time machine into the past, absolutely no detail of ancient Mayan culture is spared from being included and it looks freaking insane. And by the time you get to the very end of the movie, if you know your history you'll know that poor Jaguar Paw is having the worst day that anyone has ever had...EVER.
Happy Feet!!!!!-
If the commercials give you anyeurisms because "HOLY SHIT...THEY'S DANCIN' PEN-GOO-WINS!! YEEE HAWWW!!! MAW, FETCH ALL THE CHILDRIN, WE'S GOIN TA' THE MEGAPLEX" then you're probably from the deep south and those fucking commercials were designed just for you. And for that, FUCK YOU.
This movie is not just about penguins dancing. Yeah, every once in a while a penguin will dance. Sometimes one will sing. The thing is, it doesnt happen all the time, because in between there's actual dialogue and plot. What kind of plot? Humans don't give a fuck about nature. Unless it dances.
Disney marketing obviously picked up on this idea and marketed the movie not as a sometimes chilling remark on human disregard for animal life, but as dancing fucking penguins.
But maybe it's for the best, because there are times where this movie turns the whole "cute penguins" thing on its head. The "artificial habitat" scene alone probably screws up kids as much as the "running through the rape woods" scene in Snow White has done for decades. I've seen angry mothers who didn't realize the movie was actually ABOUT something...if they had known, they probably would have taken their spawn to see Charlotte's Web instead. But wait...Charlotte dies!!! Maybe if your kids read books they'd have figured it out already, numbnuts.
Hotel Royale -
The new Bond isn't smooth. He's not debonaire. He's the kind of guy who, when given the assignment to kill a guy, will opt to drown him in the sink of a public bathroom instead of just shooting him and making a witty comment. This Bond is hated by the boss, written off as a loser, messes up assignments, gets his ass kicked frequently and generally gets himself into one scrape after another. He'll get the girl, but he's such an easy target in this movie that the girl inevitably gets brutalized as well just because she was in the vicinity. This Bond is perma-pissed, but wouldn't you be if people kept poisoning your drinks and you had to excuse yourself from the card table, go induce vomiting and use your tricked-out spy car as a defibrillator? I hope you got enough of the Pierce Brosnan years, because that Bond died between films and they replaced him with a maniac. Also they replaced Q with scenes of Bond getting tortured in the balls. Not kidding.
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