The Road To Failure: 2008 Presidential Candidates

Character: Mike "Jingo" Jingozian
Race: Jingozian
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Class: Libertarian
Level: 11

STR: 4 DEX: 5
CON: 7 INT: 12
WIS: 7 CHA: 8

Hit Points: 9/9
Armor Class: 11
Skills: Raise Militia (Level 1), Summon Spectral Bard (Can summon a Spectral Bard to play dramatic music over speeches for 200 seconds each day. Adds +1 CHA while bard is playing)
Class Abilities: Advanced Liberty (Immune to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd level Municipal Codes)
Racial Abilities: Chronoshift (For 180 seconds, go back in time to 1787 and bring back one core constitutional value),
Inventory: Reset Button Of America (Permanant Chronoshift to 1787. Note: requires 270 electoral votes in inventory), Tricorner Hat

Description: Mike "Jingo" Jingozian's motto is "Reset America", in order to abolish the vast expansion of government over the last hundred years. Instead of building a unique platform, Jingozian would instead just refer you to Thomas Jefferson, and who could argue with that? Jingozian constantly speaks rhetoric about totally eliminating the two party system, up to the point where it becomes ominous. On his website are these final words: "Remember, there WILL be a Revolution in this Country, but if we act NOW, we can make it a peaceful one." When the Jingozian storm troopers begin the Jingo-Crystalnacht, we can't say we wern't warned.


Character: "Average Joe" Schriner
Race: Average Joe
Alignment: Lawful Good
Class: Green
Level: 15

STR: 6 DEX: 5
CON: 12 INT: 13
WIS: 13 CHA: 16

Hit Points: 14/14
Armor Class: 9
Skills: Expert Logistics (+50% movement speed over land), Advanced Pathfinding (-30% reduction in movement penalty over rough terrain)
Class Abilities: Nature's Touch (Can convert 20 gallons of regular unleaded gasoline to carbon dioxide each day)
Racial Abilities: Average Joe Speech (Can charm low leveled creature once each day), Average Joe Appeal (Gains +3 CHA when wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt)
Inventory: Boots Of Travel, RV Of Swift Journey

Description: Schriner's image is of the Average Joe, and he never misses a chance to tell newspaper reporters that. His values are progressive, the biggest ones being reduction in military, renewable energy, and paying reprerations to Native Americans. As a big supporter of the environment, he claims to have driven over 80,000 miles all over the country in a mobile home making stump speeches, spreading his futile message, and burning a shitload of gas.




Character: Gene Amondson
Race: Geezer
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Class: Prohibitionist
Level: 17

STR: 5 DEX: 3
CON: 7 INT: 6
WIS: 8 CHA: 10

Hit Points: 11/11
Armor Class: 8
Skills: Watercolor, Piemaking, Preaching, Wood Carving
Class Abilities: Prohibitionist Aura (All creatures in an 800 yard radius receive -1 to morale)
Racial Abilities: Ramble (Casts confuse on all creatures in a 5m radius. Targeted creatures get -2 to saving throws)
Inventory: Hammer of Holy Might (Adds 2d4 damage to liqueur barrels), Studded Leather Armor

Description: Do not under any circumstances visit this guy's website, as it will reveal to you the innermost workings of a deranged, twisted mind. He is the Prohibitionist Party's presidential candidate for 2008, running on the sole core value of, yep, you guessed it - prohibition He claims to want to "Make America dryer than she's ever been", but then says on his pie making page, "The best pies are runny pies, like kisses, the good ones are never dry." So which is it, HYPOCRITE? In fact, his entire candidacy is nothing more than a veiled attempt to find a wife, because he's currently single. But future wives be warned, for he has painted a watercolor detailing his sadistic plans:





Character: Don J. Grundmann
Race: Conspiracy Theorist
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Class: Constitution
Level: 13

STR: 8 DEX: 16
CON: 9 INT: 12
WIS: 3 CHA: 9

Hit Points: 17/17
Armor Class: 6
Skills: Expert Lying
Class Abilities: Constitutional Might (If WIS is less than 5, can summon Thomas Jefferson to fight for party for 60 seconds)
Racial Abilities: Blame Other (For 30 seconds, all attacking creatures attack closest neutral player), Bioenergetics (Can provide bioelectrical energy to future robots when installed in energy pod)
Inventory: Red Truth Pill (-6 to WIS, -3 to INT), Tinfoil Hat +2

Description: This is not a joke, Grundmann's entire candidacy is based on The Matrix. In fact, he warns on his website that it contains spoilers to the movie, and to watch the movie before proceeding. It was nice of him to say this, but what he doesn't tell people is that his website are SPOILERS FOR REAL LIFE. For example, here are some spoilers (all TRUTH):

1. The assassination of Robert Kennedy was a CIA coverup
2. Paying taxes is ILLEGAL and enforced by PROPOGANDA
3. The Fed is an illegal institution and punishable by death
4. There is a GAY AGENDA which is trying to LEGALIZE MOLESTATION
5. The government has developed a vaccine to cure every known disease, but COVERS UP ITS EXISTENCE

All these Truth Pills and no spoiler warning? How could you do this, Grundmann?



Character: Jack Grimes
Race: Nazi
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Class: Fascist
Level: 12

STR: 14 DEX: 13
CON: 16 INT: 8
WIS: 5 CHA: 7

Hit Points: 20/20
Armor Class: 4
Skills: Raise Dead Level 1 (Only works near tombs of fallen party leaders)
Class Abilities: Fuhrer's Call (Summon Hitler to fight for the party. While Hitler is alive, all party members gain +4 STR, +4 CON, and +30 HP. If Hitler dies, all party members permanently lose 4 STR, 4 CON, 4 INT, and 2 WIS.)
Racial Abilities: Einsatzgruppen (When 3 or more Nazis are in the party, gain 2d8 damage to a race of choice)
Inventory: Zyklon B, Bronze Helm +1 (Socketed)

Description: Oh man, do I really wish this guy is a joke, but unfortunately he is not. Nor is that picture of Grimes a photoshop, that's how he poses on his website. Jack Grimes is the 2008 presidential candidate for the United Fascist Union, a party dedicated to "promote the economic theories and political ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein." Note that they do NOT support the policies of Adolf Hitler, because that would just be insane. The UFU wants to institute a military dictatorship over the world with Rome as the supreme ruling body (called Nova Roma), abolish paper money, and promote racial tolerance. No, you didn't read that last part incorrectly, the UFU clearly states, "We will also not accept those that hate minorities, practice discrimination or that would do violent, stupid things as members." You know the world of fascism is in a sorry state when their own party can't even publicly express feelings of genocide. This party also worships the satanic pentagram. Just thought I'd throw that into the mix.

Character: Jeff "Petro" Petkevicus
Race: Paladin
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Class: Independant
Level: 17

STR: 19 DEX: 10
CON: 17 INT: 2
WIS: 7 CHA: 15

Hit Points: 38/38
Armor Class: 0
Skills: Thorns (When player is under debate, attacking creature receives -2 INT), Spinning Pile Driver
Class Abilities: Cheap Gas (Once each day, can buy any amount of gas on credit regardless of credit history)
Racial Abilities: Prayer (For 300 seconds, gain +1 STR, +1 CON, -2 INT)
Inventory: Armor Of God (+3 STR, -2 INT), National Debt (29 Trillion)

Description: At the surface, this huge guy seems to be just another Jesus freak, but he's a Jesus freak with an interesting twist: CHEAP GAS. Did you notice how CHEAP GAS was in all caps? That's because Petro can't tell you enough about CHEAP GAS. Petro's plan is to cap the price of GAS at $30 a barrel and $1.25 a gallon at the pump. Wait, you say. How is this economically feasible? Well, in this well thought-out document, the president has executive power to make it happen. Why didn't anyone think of this before? Praise God! His plan for Iraq is about the same: WIN IT. Seriously, that's his plan.

I could go on and do this for so many more candidates, but the depression is kicking in right about now.