The Bernie Mac Show (2001-2006)

I saw an episode of this on late night TV. It was either David Letterman whom I find annoying, or this. I wasn't really sure what the show was trying to portray, but all I saw was a black man beating his kids with a belt and using a lot of egregious Ebonics words. God, Bernie Mac is a shitty actor. He gets paid to act like a stereotypical black man, which isn't too hard given the fact that he is indeed very black.

Rating: 20%
Who has done this? Why?

08/12/2008 edit: Ok, so Bernie Mac died and you're pissed that I insulted him. Whats the big deal? He makes jokes about black people...the same jokes...perhaps hundreds of times. Hundreds of repetitions of the same damn joke. The man is black! What's so funny about that? Aren't you insulted by that? He is insulting you and you're laughing!
Take his role in the Oceans series: Oceans 11. What were his lines? A rant about black inequality? Did he have any other meaningful lines? No! He just does this goofy smile and maybe glares at people. Is that why he is such a "comedic genius"? Because you think his face is funny?
Look, I'm not telling you to dislike him. If watching Bernie Mac makes life better, you should watch Bernie Mac. I'm glad that Bernie Mac makes you happy. But he does not make me happy. No, he does not.

Yeah I'm Done

I just graduated from a university. Yeah, just now. This is a backward-looking summary of how it went.

First Year: Like all freshmen, I lived the dorm life. I sorta went nuts because I found Davis uncomfortable and disliked my roommates, which frequently got me into trouble. I also found that I was a particularly poor judge of character, which would create lots of problems for me later on.

Second Year: Lived in a particularly bad part of town with some guys that thought they were characters from Harold and Kumar and dedicated their lives to charading as them. Putting up with this made my life miserable, and as a result, I developed a hatred for people that pretend to be poor to garner attention. My credo: "You know whats worse than stupidity? Stupidity mixed in with false conviction and complete bullshit."

Third Year: I spent a year as the sole occupant of a 1-bedroom apartment. Life was a lot better, which gave me the freedom to pursue my interests. On the other hand, I was frequently sick and had difficulty concentrating and remembering things. Weird. My condition improved after shutting off a gas pilot that was leaking natural gas into my bedroom, at least, I think it did.

Fourth Year: A very good year. I was taking classes that actually matter and did lots of interesting things. I also spent a considerable amount of time trolling and griefing people for cheap laughs. What more could you ask for?

Fifth Year: A fifth year? How embarrassing. Things were pretty much winding down, most people that I knew had left town, and my employment prospects were dim, so I just spent my time doing whatever I wanted. Just trying to keep things interesting.

Things in UC Davis that are bullshit:

ASUCD - Where lots of idiots shuffle papers and probably deal drugs.


Davis Police - Causing more problems than they solve.

Technocultural Studies Dept - I was forced to these people's insanity, which consisted of paranoid historical observations, shitty movies, and making shit up.

Asian American Studies - I used to think cultural awareness was a good thing in the universe, but this load of crap changed my mind. Slapping "cultural advocacy" onto something turns out to be an excuse for ethnic ranting. It is institutionalized racism and an outlet for social fear. Want to change people's minds about Asians? Get a major that matters.

Asian Punks - Man, there are a lot of them here. Just how Asian can you get? These people should be crammed into Asian ghettos, which would make them happy because it would remind them of their "hood" in some dirty Asian city of origin.

Teaching Assistants - I've been instructed by plenty of TA's and I've had good and bad. Mostly bad. For graduate students, most don't seem that intelligent. They're usually insane, obsessive, and not as brilliant as you would think.

Philosophy Dept - I have a great appreciation for philosophy in all forms, but classes on philosophy are bullshit. The arguments are stupid, the teaching is stupid, the people are stupid. If anything, it shows why people are dumb on average because they learn about ethics from a moron that uses the TV show Dexterto show why Abortion is amoral. Philosophy? More like Sophistry.


Things in UC Davis that are pretty good:

Sushi Buffets - Davis has a particularly good selection of these, which combines fine culinary products(Japanese food) with the condition of abundance all for a low price. Wow, competition works.

Environmentalism - For some reason, UCD is all about singing the praises of the Earth. Most poignant are the services and programs for bicycles and for garbage composting.

Dumpster Diving - I got some pretty good stuff. Dumpster diving really came through for me and drastically increased my materialistic potential.

The Mist (2007)

This was pretty good. It's about some people that get stuck in a grocery store when a wierd fog rolls over their town. Then monsters start coming out of the mist and feed on the people.

On the human end, we have a Lord of the Flies situation in the grocery store. At first, everyone is trying to sit still and await rescue, but they start breaking under psychological pressure, leading them all into a cult frenzy. Soon, fundamentalist Christians take over the store and ruin it for everybody.
Grab my hand?
This got me thinking: Could it be true that religious belief rises as a function of psychological stress? Is religious piousness just a symptom of mental instability?

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Generally, people that are highly religious are susceptible to mental stress, and people that are psychologically healthy tend to be atheists. This is what I have experienced.
Of course, this means that psychological soundness is a requirement for basic atheism. If people are put under enough psychological pressure, they drop atheism and take up religion to relieve the pain. Yeah, I got this from the movie.

Rating: 80%
"bleakest ending imaginable"

The Most Bullshit Speech

The theory of evolution states that deceptive behavior is a selectable trait. Thousands of years ago, human beings first gained the ability to deceive others, and over time, people learned to counter it by sharpening their perception. This led to the evolution of better deceptions, cunning, and lying that is hard to detect, and that furthered the evolution of even sharper discernment. Today, we have such sharp perception we can "feel" deception. Even the twitch of the eyelashes or a fluttering of the pulse will give away your lie.

This is the evolution of acting, something that everyone is capable of. But what I am talking about is BAD acting, a classic example being "injured soccer players" or even Chuck Norris. There's also this guy.

This is pretty fucking bad. I'm not just talking about the weird wording or the "practiced" elocution, the speech just sucks. Does he think this is the state of the union or something? Edison Chen doesn't care about healing society and community service, in fact, he's probably proud to be a swinger. He doesn't just fail to convince me, I mean, he's practically just taking a huge shit in front of lots of people.


I also like how he talks in Ye Old English. Why would you do that? Maybe it's to make him look more sophisticated. Hey, I can read off a flash card too.

EDIT: Wait, I'm sorry Edison Chen, I don't mean what I said. I too, would be nervous about speaking in public if everyone in the audience was holding a picture of my erect cock and and a bunch of triad dudes were trying to scalp me. PS: I enjoyed your photographs.

Meet the Spartans (2008)

I've been avoiding this for a long time. It kept getting re-posted and I kept skipping over it cuz it looked gay. I've never even seen Meet the Parents, Fockers, or whatever sequel they're on now, so I wasn't really interested in it. But one afternoon, I had nothing better to watch so I went with Meet the Spartans.
God damn, this movie is fucking shit. Its a scene-by-scene copy of 300 with insertions of stupidity and middle school humor. They threw in references to just about 100 other movies, Chris Crocker (amazingly enough), and a bunch of other pop-culture shit I probably didn't catch on to.

I just couldn't get over how magnaminously stupid this was. Is this geared toward naive foreigners or autistic people or remedial 6th graders or what? How did this totality of bullshit get turned into a movie? Wait wait...MAYBE this is just a big joke from Hollywood saying "This abomination is what happens when everyone on earth pirates our movies!"
....
or maybe it does really suck that much :(

Rating: 10%
To the Director of Meet the Spartans:
Do you shoot all your movies in your back yard, or is this just a test to see how many people would ask for their money back?

The Last Samurai (2003)

I remember this. It came out during my first year of college. Everyone called it "The Last White Guy" because Tom Cruise as the last samurai just didn't seem right.
The inexorable traditions of the Samurai don't need an introduction. Their methods are infamous and pretty much everyone knows about them, including a disproportionately large number of white males that know way too much Japanese history. Reality? Nobody cares, man. The samurai were psychopaths that couldn't stop thinking about ritual suicide. 400 years ago they were the strongest soldiers on the planet, but the year 1853 onward, they struggled with the concept of whether or not getting shot was honorable.

Despite the lack of story, the scenes looked great, the fighting wasn't bad, and the music won awards.
So why is Frank TJ Mackey the last samurai? Because he was so impressed by them that he went and became one himself, taking a samurai wife in the process. *INSERT COMMENT ABOUT ASIAN FEVER HERE* He even kills some ninjas. Lots of ninjas, in the range of 30-40 of them. The only problem is that he joins the samurai at a time when the feudal system was being replaced by the Empire of Japan, forcing them to fight for their right to exist. Their cause was doomed from the start, and you watch them spiral out of a losing war with imperial riflemen.
Oh, and just in case you didn't catch it, historical accuracy: -50%.

Rating: 60%
Did you notice that they made a reference to the Battle of Thermopylae? A full 4 years before 300 Spartans.

HILLARY IS RAPING YOUR MIND

3:35 AM The Day of Ownage
(Your dreams start to become a little too real...)

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAH


1:48 PM

The Iraq...I studies it.


Now I fites it lol


5:12 PM

Post victory celebration at YOUR MOMS HOUSE


8:26 PM
(You're beginning to feel nauseous and your hair's falling out)

Teachin' Obama Kung Fu


12:38 AM Ownage day +1

WRONG HILLARY, COME ON GUYS. >:(


Hmmmm, much better.


12:58 AM
(You're starting to bleed from the eyes and ears)

Achievement Unlocked: Maximum Ownage


6:24 PM

Coming soon in every city...