Jericho: The first 5 episodes

This show is an amazing disappointment to me as a connoisseur of post-nuclear fiction. When talking of such things, you have to go back to the classics: The Mad Max trilogy, Red Dawn, When the Wind Blows, the miniseries The Day After (which actually convinced a befuddled President Reagan that limited nuclear war was, in fact, not the greatest idea), and more recently the computer game Wasteland and the Fallout series.

Post-nuclear fiction envisions a near-future or present in which nuclear war has occurred, and modern civilization has ceased to exist. The most chilling part of this kind of fiction is that it is in no way fantasy: it is a reality that could happen at any time. At this moment there are tens of thousands of thermonuclear weapons primed to launch themselves all over the globe, turning the greatest population centers on Earth into glass wastelands.

Of course, a little artistic license is always expected. You're unlikely to find yourself fighting off rad-scorpions or ghouls in the glowing wastes in the aftermath of an attack. Jericho attempts to realistically depict what happens to a small-town Kansas community after a mushroom cloud appears over the Western horizon, followed by a cloud of dust that used to be Denver.

The good parts of this series are in moments like this, where insurmountable and at times inconceivable problems start to pop up to afflict the town of Jericho: a storm front sweeps over from Denver bearing radioactive fallout and the city's shelters aren't up to the task, a prison bus transporting murderers crashes and sets them free after the attack, a kid finds a message on his answering machine from his mother which records her being killed by a nuclear blast...and she wasn't in Denver. These are the promised results of an excellent premise.

Where the show falls flat on its face is in its most important part: the characters. Rarely believable, generally obnoxious and frequently stupid, they remind you instantly that you're watching a cross between a decent show and an O.C. ripoff. And the show is so hackneyed and poorly-planned that major holes keep cropping up.

Here are some major ones:
-They're in Kansas. How come everyone sounds, looks and acts like they're from L.A.? In the show's defense, he mayor sounds slightly Southern, but why the fuck does his son sound Canadian? Absolutely no one is a hick or redneck, although some of the actors might be trying, unsuccessfully, to appear rural.

-Your country just got nuked. Why does no one seem to care that much? The teens of the town act like they're going to the mall or fretting about their first kiss. The adults still hang out at the local bar...EVERY SPARE SECOND OF THE DAY. The bartender says herself that the generator running the bar takes 90 gallons of gas a day, the same as the hospital. Why the fuck is it still open?

-Jericho apparently is a town with a population of 5000...and zero ugly people. Everyone's either a JC Penny's model or plotting to become one.
-In a town of 5000, only 12 people actually matter. Whenever something happens (the TV in the bar finally shows something, the Mayor is saying something important), they're already there. Creepy.

-Black McGuyver. The one black man in town knows everything about everything...sort of. He can fix any machine, is sending shit to satellites from his laptop in the back yard, and explains to the dumber viewers how hydrogen bombs work ("They literally...EXPLODE the AIR.") Um, whatever man. Whenever he offers help, though, he gets told to fuck off (somewhat realistically...it IS Kansas.) However, he's really some kind of secret agent or something, so his family isn't allowed to even go to the store. What the fuck is he trying to accomplish? The show is loath to show you.

-Sometimes in the crowd scenes, there's an Asian or, randomly, another black man. You never see these people again. Sometimes they're replaced by a random Indian woman or something. It's really jarring.

-The scenes in episode 5 where the firefighters are trying to stop blazes around town are completely idiotic and wrong in so many ways I can't list them all. Here's the main one. YOU DON'T SEND HALF YOUR FIRE ENGINES AND PERSONNEL TO A CITY IN ANOTHER STATE THAT JUST GOT NUKED. IT'S SOMEWHAT INEFFECTUAL.

So, don't be like me and keep watching a somewhat decent but ultimately stupid show just because they dangle good scenes at the beginning and end like carrots. Watch and play the classics instead!

The Day After (1983, whole movie) The aftermath of nuclear war between the US and the Soviets. Survivors in rural Kansas and Minnesota suffer the effects of nuclear winter.

When the Wind Blows (Animated, 1986, whole movie) An doddering English couple survive nuclear war, only to slowly succumb to the effects of radiation. Caution: depressing and haunting as hell.

Mad Max - Beyond Thunderdome (1985) The train escape scene.

Red Dawn (1984) WOLVERINES!!!

Fallout (1997) Intro movie.

Thank You for Smoking (2005)

I reeeally thought this would be a good one. Main character is the spokesman for the tobacco industry, he talks for a living, and is supposed to be a really convincing liar. I expected something like a cult leader or a Boiler Room guy that can make you think that your ass is your face. Something like a soft spoken but sophisticated baritone voice that speaks so smoothly that you could believe anything he said. Like Xerxes or some other.

Well this guy fell a little short of that expectation. He talked like an idiot, shrugged a lot, and came off as snappy. He was pretty good, I guess, but he was really just on par with any amateur on the debate team. I just wasn't that amazed. He probably couldn't even smooth talk me into buying a magazine subscription for pediatric AIDS in Somalia. And fuck, Eckhart has a really huge freakin mouth.

Rating: 50%
Not so good.

Tracking Sleep Trends: Fall 2007

I've been keeping tabs on how much I sleep over the last few months. Normally, there's no need to do this because most people sleep regularly, following the clock in a perfect solar cycle. However, over the college years, my cycle got messed up, so I usually end up sleeping "on-demand", meaning that I get sleep when I desire sleep and would rather be doing something else if I don't feel tired. After all, the light/dark cycle no longer has an effect on me.

Descriptive Stats:
Average:	8.2 hours
StDev:	2.3 hours
Max:	12 hours
Min:	3 hours
Range:	9 hours

Inference: The estimate of any night of sleep:
The probability of sleep between 5.9 hours and 10.5 hours is 64%
The probability of sleep between 3.6 hours and 12.8 hours at 95%


The trend line on this graph shows the change in approximate sleep length over time. The slope of the equation says that my sleep time per day decreases about 0.019 hours every day over the 50 day time period.
You can see the high variance evinced in the trend of spikes and dips. The main reason for the large variance is because a night of low sleep leads to more sleep the next night to make up for the loss. The reason for this is not insomnia, but rather, the increased fatigue makes me demand more sleep. Similarly, a long period of sleep leads to less sleep the next day because I feel excessively rested and demand less sleep. This means that each night of sleep partially affects the next, and the next, and the next. It is a long cause and effect chain over 50 days long.

Here is the same graph including sleep records from the period at the tail-end of Fall Quarter. You can see that it flattens out the trend because I hoard more sleep during this time.

For a normal person, you expect the trend line to be flat at m=0, unless there is some life style shift going on. My graph shows a slight decrease, probably due to the effect of the quarter classes, but it could just be because of the high variance.
People are also supposed to sleep more as the calendar date progresses into winter and the days get shorter. The fact that my trend doesn't show this means that I do not follow the light/dark cycle. Possible reasons: My retinal ganglion cells are desensitized, or my circadian free-run cycle is more than 24 hours.

Conclusion: Avoid taking morning classes. They'll fuck you up.

Moyashimon: Tales of Agriculture (2007)

This is a quirky anime about a microbiology student that can see bacteria, but not in a normal way. To him, they look like little plushies that talk and do stuff, and he can play with them by grabbing them out of the air or telling them things.

Moyashimon throws in a lot of microbial names that is making it extremely difficult to translate. It's a subber's nightmare about as tough as Ergo Proxy, maybe worse. The story is similar to Honey&Clover, expect that instead of an Art School and struggling design majors, we have a Microbiology Lab and a bunch of Grad Students at an College of Ag. But like H&C, we have the theme of a wussy undergrad, psychopathic seniors, and a destitute apartment complex.

Moyashimon translated into English means something like "Bean-sprout thingy" or "Doodad", which refers to the plushies that he sees everywhere. So far, all he does is feed them or flick them around with his index finger. They're great for diagnosing people's diseases though.

Educational Segment: "Bacteria can control temporal mechanics by fermenting your time"

07/15/2008 Update: This series was subbed way too slowly and died. RIP. It was meant to be a miniseries anyway.

It's about a guy with microbe plushie Synesthesia.
Rating: 70%

How to kill people.

Here is a handy guide on how to kill people. If you try to rat our blog out to the feds, remember, we wrote the guide.


Method A: Your bare fucking hands.

Yanking someone's eye out from its socket and repeatedly jamming your finger in the hole is effective, as is punching someone until they die. This is the most ancient method of killing people, and you can do it naked like your caveman ancestors did.

Method B: A rock.

A rock is easy to find and use, as long as you remember which end is the working end and which end is the standing end. When choosing between igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary rock, always remember that igneous rock can still be very hot when newly formed and metamorphic rock takes a long fucking time to make.

Method C: Drive over them with an 18 wheeler.

Easy to do if you have one, but you'll need a class A license with air brake endorsement first or you're liable to kill yourself instead. Cement trucks are good for hiding evidence under a slab of concrete.

Method D: Hire a hitman.

Preferably one with a number instead of a name. This is a good method if you're rich and lazy.

Method E: A hammer.

Stop! A good, hefty hammer will do wonders against someone's skull. Combine with nails for a ranged attack.

Method F: Eat his children.

If you take his or her genes out of the gene pool, it's almost as good as killing them for real.

Method G: I don't fucking know, light them on fire or something.

May require petrol.

Method H: Bury them alive.

Use sand or dirt, not plastic balls from Chuck E Cheese (you retard.)

Method I: Sonic cannon.

Use it to vibrate their bones right out of their body. Sonic cannons don't exist yet but they will.

Method J: Specially engineer a virus to attack their body and theirs alone.

Requires a lot of effort just to get some guy you hate sick. If you fuck up then you doom humanity. Don't be that guy.

Method K: Kill them in the matrix.

Their brain will overload and they'll have a fatal seizure in RL.

Method L: Freeze every water molecule in their body.

The opposite of setting them on fire. Only works if it's your mutant power because they haven't invented the freeze ray yet either.

Method M: Poison.

Good if you're into guile and mystery, but if you drink out of the wrong glass you're fucked.

Method N: Spiders!

Holy fuck you're evil.

Method O: Death by sex machine.

Didn't work in Barbarella but it might work for you. Maybe they needed more spikes.

Method P: Bees.

Got something deadly to say? Say it with bees. Try tossing their precious honey all over your target. Bees are easy to fool.

Method Q: Flush them out into the vacuum of space.

Works only against Americans, Soviets and Chinese. Especially the Chinese.

Method R: High velocity sniper rifle.

Be the killer your momma always knew you could be. You might need a ghillie suit and a desperate need for the pink mist.

Method S: Fiber wire.

Garroting and the Guillotine are methods both invented by the French, both involving the neck. The neck is the most sensual part of the human body...Napoleon knew this, and he was a genius in killing.

Method T: Suicide bomb.

This is actually a pretty good way to get yourself killed in the process. Also called homicide bombs if you want to sound like an idiot. Bonus: If you use this method, you'll appear on Liveleak.

Method U: Inter-continental ballistic missile.

Requires the help of at least one scientist, but it makes it pretty hard to fuck up your plan. If your hair starts falling out, you're doing it wrong.

Method V: The electric chair.

This method is stupid and outdated. If you accidentally shock them twice, you might accidentally bring them back to life, stronger than before. And you have to throw a big switch on the wall like a cartoon or something...god who even invented this.

Method W: Gas! Gas! Gas!

Take yourself back to the glory days of World War I, where deadly gases were tossed back and forth like candy. This method requires you to know how to check for wind direction.

Method X: Sword.

Swords will fucking cut you wide open. This may appeal to LARPers and medieval re-enactment fags the most, as you can pretend you're in the dark ages and scream "what ho!" as you stab away. Swords are easy to trace back to the culprit by CSI specialists, since no one uses them anymore. Guns cannot deflect bullets. Laser swords do not exist (and never will.)

Method Y: Chainsaw.

Chainsaws are little bitches to start, and when they finally do they'll most likely jam up or run out of bar oil or something while you're trying to get the job done. If you don't treat a chainsaw with the utmost care and compassion, it will die on you before your victim does. Remember to dog into the chest and call out your back cut, make sure to leave enough holding flesh and make sure the body falls in the right direction, or else you might end up crushing yourself.

Method Z: Your method here!

While this list is a pretty complete and nearly-perfect guide on how to kill people, there are a few of you out there who manage to come up with great methods of your own. Feel free to make your own guide if you think you're so special, or perhaps even email them to someone who cares, like the Marines.

"I Want to Be a Doctor"

Lots of people wish they were doctors, and hey, it shouldn't be a surprise. I get to talk to a lot of smart people that have public health aspirations.(and a lot of idiots that want to be doctors because of medical TV shows)
This is a slant of the career choice that no med school jockey can tell you: Economic trends explain why we have such an intense fixation with Doctors and what will happen in the near future.

AUTONOMY AND CHOICE

The Medical Doctor is a job with a high degree of self-autonomy. Especially in private practice, an MD has the freedom to make decisions with little direction from above. Even lawyers and politicians, despite higher prestige and salary, do not have the latitude that doctors enjoy. Thus, being a doctor is very desirable.(especially to those that desire power and influence)


CYCLICAL SUPPLY OF DOCTORS

For some reason, Doctors come in waves. In a continuous cycle, a shortage of MDs is always followed by an excess number, followed by another period of scarcity. Right now, we demand more doctors than we have hanging around, and our affection for them shows during primetime television.

LIMITING THE SUPPLY OF DOCTORS

Requiring that doctors receive licensing has legally limited the number of practitioners to 1% of the population and no more. By doing this, MDs not only increase their wage, but also make the process of becoming a doctor extremely expensive and intensely competitive. Job security.

While there are many reasons that someone may chose to pursue doctorship, these 3 probably explain a great deal of that motive and the flood of pre-meds that inundates us. Although, it should be noted that this doesn't say anything about how many of those pre-meds are going to make it. Only the passage of time tells that.

Hitman(2007)

Timothy Olyphant gets Mass Murderer status. Here come the infinite spawning security guards. AUGH RELOAD GAME.

HITMAN DOES NOT HAVE LENGTHY NEGOTIATIONS WITH PEOPLE.
HITMAN DOES NOT BUY PEOPLE DINNER.
HITMAN DOES NOT KEEP DUAL MACHETES IN HIS WAISTCOAT.

HITMAN DOES NOT SAY ONE LINERS BEFORE HE KILLS. HE DOES IT SILENTLY AS IN "SILENT ASSASSIN".

HITMAN DOES NOT USE SEXUAL INNUENDO.
HITMAN DOES NOT TORTURE PEOPLE IN BATHTUBS WITH SAW III STYLE SHIT.

HITMAN DOES NOT ASK USELESS QUESTIONS LIKE "WHY IS THERE A HIT ON ME?".

HITMAN DOES NOT LUST.

HITMAN DOES NOT HAVE A FETISH FOR FACIAL TATTOOS THATS JUST RETARDED.

DIANA DOES NOT TALK IN A SYNTH VOICE.

THERE ARE NOT DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF HITMAN. THERE IS NOT A BLACK HITMAN OR AN ATROPHIED OLD HITMAN. THERE'S JUST ONE GUY NAMED 47.

HITMAN DOES NOT BUY PROPERTY FOR PEOPLE OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF HIS HEART.

HITMAN DOES NOT MAKE STUPID FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN FIBRE WIRING PEOPLE.

HITMAN DOES NOT SIGH IN REMORSE AFTER KILLING SOMEONE.


Hmmm...Uhh...I'm not sure. Maybe it is just the gamma. What about his action shots?


YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

HITMAN DOES NOT ACT CUTE.


Mission Performance:
Your Rating: Shit
Your Notoriety: 100/100

The Market Losers: Firms that Fail

If you follow stock market news, you'll occasionally see some companies get creamed. It is similar to watching the popping of a party balloon: News comes out, euphoria is broken, and the stock implodes. Even familiar and long-standing firms eat shit sometimes, but hey, you never know what will happen next month, right?
Here are some tickers that I have been keeping track of that have slid into the very depths of hell. Don't worry tho, it's nothing serious. Remember, for every investor that lost money here, someone else out there made an equivalent amount.

FORD MOTOR CO

My, how the mighty have fallen. There was once a time when The American People wanted to drive trucks because they resembled rocks, but then Asian cars came and did it so much better. Well...that's what happens when your revenue/share is -$4.00.

VONAGE CORP

This company never got a break. Since their 2006 IPO open at $17, their shares have done nothing but slide. As I write this, VG is at a measly $2.13. What do they make, anyway? Voice-over IP? Scam.
Not only is VG muddled in lawsuits, but the Vonage pyramid scheme shows up on campus from time to time, using flashy presentations and advertising glamor to say: You too can make money off VoIP...for a modest investment of around $500...in cash.

GENELABS TECHNOLOGIES

Genelabs or whatever this company is called, produces....uhhh....hmmmmmmm
This is a perfect example of a "hype company" that gained investment popularity because they have a mysterious name and an exciting sounding product. Not helping is the 1999-2000 bubble that resulted in the large price spike at $53. That spike shows up in lots of price charts, but Genelabs in particular, was lifted high and then got dropped hard.

WASHINGTON MUTUAL

Among the banks to take a dive during the recent credit crisis is Washington Mutual, which for some reason, has become particularly unfavorable with shareholders. Nobody likes WM right now. Nobody. Maybe it has something to do with Cramer going berzerk on Mad Money and insulting the yield on Washing Mutual.

HALLIBURTON CORP

They're actually doing quite well. On the other hand, liberals claim that this company is pilfering Iraq. Take a look for yourself: The vertical blue line marks the start date of the war, and 5 years later, the current price is about $40. Not bad, but it's nothing special. This also happens to be the company formerly run by VP Dick Cheney so you can pretty much assume it's full of lies and slimy financial manipulation.
What would happen to HAL if the war suddenly ended and everyone went home? Probably something shady and imperialist, at best.

I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry (2007)

Fuck this movie for trying to be funny and politically correct at the same time. How do you have a movie that tries to make a joke about the main character's son being an obvious homo, and then spend the rest of the movie trying to make a political statement about how homos shouldn't be laughed at? Every other character in this movie comes out as a secret gay guy by the end of it. It came to the point that when a new character was introduced, the people I was watching this with went "Is that guy gay too? Is he???" Probably.

Here's a character cheat sheet for those with bad gaydar or who don't watch the E! channel.

Fat guy who plays Chuck: Pretending to be gay for health benefits.
Adam Sandler: Also pretending to be gay (but by the end of the movie I was wondering if he was going to be bisexual or something)
Chuck's Son: Really fucking gay.
Chuck's daughter: Gender ambiguous.
Their boss, Dan Ankroyd: Not gay, but not funny either.
Rob fucking Schneider: Gay, also doing the worst impression of an asian man since Jerry Lewis.
Big black guy: Big black closeted gay man who becomes a flamer by the movie's end.
Jessica Alba: A lawyer, which is complete bullshit. Putting this hot a chick in this gay a movie cancels out both ends of the spectrum and makes the whole movie feel like eating plain yogurt.
Her brother: FUCKING GAY FAGGOT

Hai guys my lungs r full of Co2, but u can still see mai faic lolol

This movie taught me that gays are people too, even though they dress up like butterflies and buy nothing but KY jelly when they go to the store. Also that firefighters go fight fire every single day, hang off the sides of fire engines when they go to a fire like they did in the 1850's, don't wear their breathing apparatus in a smoke and flame-filled building (unless someone farts!), and half of them are gays.

I now pronounce you Suck and Fairy

SATSUXBALLS SAYS:

EDIT: WOW YOU GOT ME. NICE RAID. DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK OF THIS ONE YOURSELF? GROWING BOY!

ARNOLD SAYS:

"You can't win dis."

Phone Booth(2002)

Phonebooth actually does take place entirely in a phonebooth. It pretty much goes like this.


Colin Farrell: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

Man on the Phone: Listen carefully, I will kill you if you do this, this, this, or this without that, the other thing with that thing...(EXPLAINS SHIT)

Colin Farrell: But...I CAN'T.

Police Negotiator: HEY...what's going on.

Man on the Phone: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Phonebooth: oomph.

Police: The real murderer is CANCER.

That's it. I can't remember what happens at the end. Umm...some kind of surprise ending involving a pizza delivery man. Whatever.

Rating 30%

Alpha Dog (2006)

This movie truly taught me what it means to be a wigger. I thought I was a pretty dope-ass whitey gangsta before, but after viewing this film I realized that I was, in fact, not at all gangsta but instead just another dumb whitey bitch. Justin Timberlake is truly the most schtraight up schtreet wigga ever to be seen on the silver screen, and his performance as a gangly, tatted up petty criminal in a gang of similar white suburban hoodlums truly gives me pause. I...give me a few seconds...I...I had something in my eye there dawg, but now I'm schtraight.

Redefining "annoying," Timberlake plays the most obnoxious of an obnoxious group of over-privileged white gangland wannabes, all following the dubious leadership of the "alpha dog," played by Leonardo DiCaprio (I think?) who's the son of an actual mobster, played by Bruce Willis. This movie is actually really good, but not if you're a pre-teen fangirl who rented the DVD just to get wet over Dicaprio and Timberlake running around calling their girlfriends bitches and being alpha dogs. If you are, you're probably not gonna enjoy the part when a speed-addled Neo Nazi takes a dump on DiCaprio's floor and he's too scared to do anything about it.

The Neo Nazi previously mentioned is one of the most brutal characters I've seen in a movie lately, a down on his luck drug addict who keeps having to go back to his parents for money because he owes DiCaprio and works for a telemarketing company. One day, he gets fired, quite rightly, for being a speed-addled Neo Nazi. Put yourself in this guy's shoes. Would you A: Attack your boss? B: Steal Gangster Leonardo DiCaprio's TV and take a dump on his floor? C: get high with your little brother after introducing him to your naked, tatted up Neo Nazi girlfriend? D: Drive recklessly on the sidewalk? E: Bust up parties by spin-kicking asian people into walls? or F: All of the above and much, much more? This guy knows how to have fun.

As the plot goes, DiCaprio and Timberlake decide to kidnap the Neo Nazi's little brother in a display of bad planning in order to possibly ransom him for whatever money they are owed. Instead of really kidnapping him, however, they mostly just hang out and do rich white people stuff like play video games and trim their parents' weed plants for their allowances. When it turns out that kidnapping might, in fact, be a federal crime, the alpha dog and his crew start to think up even more retarded ideas on how to avoid responsibility for their actions.

I give Alpha Dog the whitey wigger thumbs-up of approval, homey. This is the movie of the year that will make you say "What the fuck, So-Cal??"

The fuck you starin' at, nigga??

P.S. Turns out it's not DiCaprio, it's some guy named Emile Hirsch, but it's basically the same guy. Sorry to any pre-teen girls who were googling the words "DiCaprio" and "nude" or "nude pics of Leonardo DiCaprio" for a cheap thrill.

The Tuxedo(2002)

Many say that this was the worst Jackie Chan movie ever made, mostly because it's devoid of the authentic stunts that he is famous for. More importantly, it's boring and nobody cares about whatever they were doing in the story. Bla bla bla, "don't touch my tuxedo", bottled water corp, flying fuck.
The biggest failure was Jackie Chan falling out of character. He apologized less when he hit people and instead, was more of a bruiser. Distinct JC qualities including stuttering and spazzing out, were missing because the directing style was American. Thus, his character was a misfit for his acting skills and the main character ended up looking hopelessly dumb. This is a movie that you will NOT find on Jackie Chan's resume. He just did it out of boredom.

Acting: 40%
Storyline: 25%

Chocolate Pain: Tay Zonday Sucks Ass

It's no surprise that when YouTube pseudo-celebrity Tay Zonday was featured on Jimmy Kimmel's Show, the audience reaction was a little less than positive. Most of them looked confused, bewildered or non-plussed. That's exactly the reaction a normal person would have when subjected to the baritone stylings of some weird kid off of the Internet.

This is the problem with the Internet, its audience and its chosen idols. Internet heroes aren't chosen for their skill, good looks or positive effects on society. They get chosen because they're kinda weird but, in a maladjusted social reject's eyes, also totally awesome. That's Tay Zonday. A small black kid with a freakishly baritone voice.


"Give him a radio contract!" the Internet hordes shriek. "His voice is, like, really bass!" Sounding less like the odd-looking gnome he is and more like a Protoss Arbiter, Tay Zonday is basically a freak show turned celebrity, mostly due to the combined effort of the small ghetto's worth of similar freaks with far-less baritone voices who upvote his videos.

Forget the fact that he'd be eliminated on day one of American Idol for being an obviously shitty singer, or the fact that his stage presence is tantamount to someone you're videoconferencing with at the office. Forget that he's a crazy-eyed giant earphone-wearing virgin-looking kid with a psychotic expression. Thanks to the marvel of modern telecommunications, those qualities make you an Avatar of the Internet.

Oh, and you can thank Mr. Zonday for the eternal travesty that is Chocolate Rain, a grating and endlessly-remixed funeral dirge of talent.

In the end, Tay Zonday's creations are useful only for one thing: punishing Internet denizens for making him famous.

Bug (2006)

So the story is that this guy finds a parasite in his blood and they're eating him from the inside. First, he finds them hopping around on his bedsheets, then in his spit while he brushes his teeth. They're small, barely big enough to see, and they feed off your blood plasma, leaving lesions and sores all over the body in places where they've burrowed through the dermis and laid eggs. He studies the bugs under a microscope, testing and prodding his own body, all the while spreading the parasite to others.

To remove the bugs from his insides, he sprays himself with Raid, basks in UV light, and cuts himself to expunge the egg sacs. He pulls out teeth to remove colonies that have lodged underneath his tooth fillings and skins himself to pull out bugs that continually irritate his adipose.

Right...so let's see this bug. What does it look like? Like a nematode? Arthropod maybe? Well?

"It's right here! Can't you see it?"
noooo..............................I don't..........

Right, so basically, they never SHOW YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING BUG!!!11
All you see is two people going "AAHHH" and "AUUGH" as their bodies slowly get mutilated. Why? Because the parasites aren't real. They are completely imaginary.
Fuck this movie. Go look up Delusional Parasitosis on Google instead.

Rating: 40%
Example of a parasite
Another parasite

Time Warner Cable Hates Their $450

Man, look at that shitty stock. I'm no economist, but if I had to guess, perhaps what's eating into their profit margin is leaving $450 around wherever they go. How did I get this figure? I'll explain in 4 easy steps:

1. I move into a new apartment, TV signal is provided by Time Warner Cable.

2. When I move in, there is a cable box plugged into the wall, with cable locks at the cable connectors, preventing anyone from removing cable box or unscrewing it from the wall.

3. I plug in my TV to the cable box, and get no reception. I can access the channel guide, but there is no picture, just a big blue "NOT AUTHORIZED" sign.

4. With the only cable jack in the apartment locked in, there is no way to bypass the cable box. I call Time Warner Customer Service (big mistake).

After going through the maze of the automated customer service system, I finally get a rep to talk to. The following transcript is in no way altered from what really happened (I'm serious):

TWC Customer Service:
(Garbled voice)





Me:
Hello?






TWC Customer Service:

Buroshsdiwkghshhhsssccck........Weeelcome to Time Warner Cable can I interest you in one of our fine packages?



Me:
Uhh...I'm just having some trouble with my cable reception (I describe my situation).





TWC Customer Service:
(1 minute pause) Ohhhhh I see what's going on. The previous resident of that apartment moved out, and his cable box was deactivated.




Me:
So is there a way I can get it activated?






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, he forgot to return the cable box, those are $450 each.




Me:
......






TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, $450. We'll need to pick that up.





Me:

Ok, but do I need a new box or anything?





TWC Customer Service:

Yeah, those boxes are $450. We need that back. You can just plug your TV directly into the wall.




Me:

Uhhhh, ok (we set up a time for them to pick up the box).






So the day finally arrives when the cable guy is supposed to come to my apartment, unlock the cable box from my wall, but HE NEVER SHOWS UP. So I'm sitting there pissed off thinking what a bitch it is going to be to call them up again, when I think about consulting the internet. Turns out, those fancy $450 cable boxes and their cable locks can be easily bypassed with toilet paper.


Bypassing Cable Locks - Click here for this week’s top video clips

I'm not going to admit to anything that incriminates myself, but let's just say this really works. And if Time Fucking Warner wants their $450 back, maybe I'm actually gone when they ring the doorbell, and maybe I'm not. Basically I don't give a shit except watching that stock fall.