The Simpsons Movie(2007)

This movie may be the last in the recent string of nostalgia films to revive the shows of the late 80's and early 90's. Like Transformers and Die Hard, the screenplay is one big cameo by over 100(maybe more) Simpsons characters doing the things that they usually do.

The setting is full of references to events that occurred during the episodes. This one refers to an ambulance that dropped Homer into the Grand Canyon.

Without knowing what the official ratings were, I can tell you that the online comments were mixed, some saying that the movie was a great time, and others saying it's a waste of money. For me, it didn't live up the hype. It had nothing special to offer in terms of animation or story, and I thought that this might have been a really great movie 5 years ago but lies below the standards of today.

They must have seen it coming
So what was Matt Groening thinking when he approved the production of this movie? Having spent most of his time producing pallid shit like Futurama, the franchise of The Simpsons was a thing of the past and has long been buried by more modern franchises like Family Guy and American Dad. To make up for that, the movie had to be aggressively advertised to close the time difference, yet ended up creating nothing new. The film directors knew this and did their best to compensate, so they decided to flash you with Bart's dick.(NOT shown here)

Animation: 60%
Story and Sense: 60%

SiCKO(2007)

"It's not America...hah! hah!"
When it comes down to it, Michael Moore is really just a fat guy that is persistently annoying quirk. His latest movie appeared to be a paradox. How can Moore make a movie about health care when he himself is morbidly obese? As I watched, it occurred to me that his movies were made out of spite and some kind of hatred for society, probably from years of being ridiculed for being fat.

With the guile of a lawyer, Moore tells stories by showing you video clips and making open ended suggestions. This makes it very difficult to refute his arguments because in reality, he isn't making any. His movies just show you stuff while Moore makes snide comments on the side. His movies blur the line between reality and simple misunderstanding.

On the other hand, I find the right to equitable healthcare for all citizens to be very attractive. Ordinary people probably should have the right to live free of physical pain and disease.

Moore claims that it is only because Americans are selfish that there is no universal health care. He believes that we are cheated by our own society, which overworks us, burdens us with debt, and makes us sick, coercing us into dependence on expensive medication, forcing us to work even harder. That a medical-industrial complex between hospitals and the work force purposely allows people to get sick so that willingness to pay goes up. He says that politicians turn a blind eye to the problem and pour out lies to cover it up.

Yeah, that's probably true. I've always hated hospitals.
Rating: 50%
Big Balls Award (Moore sailed to Guantanamo Bay with a bunch of hospital rejects to ask for healthcare)

Iraq = lolz

:O

Ghost Rider(2007)

"As a matter of fact..........................................I do."
For a while, Ghost Rider was one of my inside jokes as another one of Nick Cage's shitty movies that features stupid lines like "Hey, I'm Ghost Rider". Thats exactly what happens here, with Cage riding his devil bike around and telling people about exactly who he is. The rest of the story is irrelevant. There was nothing good about this movie except that it was a good joke.

Ghost Rider doing time...and doing his best to avoid prison rape. The sentence given to him by the judge was of course, "You. Guilty."
As it turns out, going Ghost Rider is similar to going Super Saiyan or transforming into Beast Mode. You can also do partial transformations to release some kind of bloodline limit. The basic premise to Nick Cage fighting is to make a flaming entrance, belch out his one-liner, and then power up to Rider level. Damn, I don't need to watch this. I've already seen like a hundred episodes of this on Dragonball Z.

"Ghost Ride the Whip"
Visual Stimulation: 70%
Acting Talent: 40% (good lord so bad)
Originality: 50% or just plain weird
Watch it Here

Cloverfield: The most thoughtful, provocative movie ever created

Just kidding, it's about a monster that eats New York.





Here's why your movie is stupid.

Japan already did it. In fact, they did it in about 80 percent of their films. And what do we think of Japan?



Right.

Second, you already tried this with American Godzilla, and it sucked. It was a soulless approximation of the outrageously and purposefully silly Japanese movies. It was full of useless, one-dimensional crap characters with no purpose other than to be stepped on. Sound familiar? It does if you just clicked on that Cloverfield preview. Rob, you're like my main dude.

Third, Speilburg already tried this (and did a pretty good job actually) with the newest War of the Worlds. I personally liked WotW because I love films where something horrible and otherworldly happens and cleans out formerly recognizable, everyday areas, turning them into post-apocalyptic landscapes (Post-Atomic movies, Zombie movies, Invasion movies, etc.). However, you have to have realistic characters that can properly deal with this carnage...the rattled, unstable survivors of 28 Days Later or the twisted mutants of Mad Max, for example. If you just have Rob and Rob's buddies who can't act worth shit, then you have something idiotic like Jason X.


Seriously, did they find these people in a Coca Cola commercial? And who's that guy screaming OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD at the end?



Oh. You.

Someone mentioned somewhere that Godzilla was a product of post-Hiroshima angst, which accounts for Japanese fetish for having their cities demolished. Now that New Yorkers have had their "Hiroshima"with 9/11 (being New Yorkers, they're self-centered and delusional enough to actually draw a comparison), they believe they also deserve their own Godzilla movie, which draws upon similar angst.


Whatever. If I go to see a movie about New York getting eaten, I'm going to make sure to turn the thinking part of my brain off beforehand. I don't give a crap about your "mysterious" marketing scheme of not actually telling us what this dumb movie will be exactly about, but I'm sure it's akin to hiding the monster in the American Godzilla movie in shadows and rain for the entire film...let us scrutinize it too closely, and we're going to notice it looks like half-baked crap.

Shooter(2007)

Gunner is a movie about assassination and conspiracy. Did I say Gunner? Whoa sorry, I meant to say "Shooter"; "Gunner" was the fake online filename given to the .avi to fool the MPAA censors.

Shooter is about Mark "Gunny" Walhberg shooting things from up to a mile away. Of course, he doesn't just pull triggers, he also conducts terrorist activities and other tricky stuff. This movie is great for the anti-government anarchists or whatever, storylines about an average American badass that fucks with the evil government.

The thing is, Mark Walhberg always plays characters that get betrayed, get pissed off, and spend the rest of the movie planning an intricately multi-tier-complex revenge. So basically, here he is in Shooter, doing the exact same thing he did in Italian Job but from farther away.

Rating: 60%


"BOOM, HEADSHOT!!"

1408(2007)

"This is nine! Nine! This is nine! Nine! This is ten! Ten! We have killed your friends! Every friend is now dead! This is six! Six!"
1408 is above the standard of most horror movies. Just watching the trailer scared me. Yes, I know. But it preyed on the mental weakness, exploited the expectations I had, and broke down the mental self-defenses I constructed. You watch this movie, you are in that room with John Cusack, a man being toyed with by a sentient hotel room that has a penchant for mentalist torture.
The hotel room controls space, time, dimension. It knows all about you and uses your senses against you, depriving you of your wants and quashing your compelling desires. When you believe you find a solution, it disappears. When you believe you have found a defense, it is taken away. It taunts you with transient comforts, hounds you and inflicts sordid pains. I never thought I'd see a horror movie this well done. I give 1408 TEN SKULLS!

Just one thing, what is Samuel Jackson doing here? He didn't even yell anything. This is a misplacement of chraracter talent, and I would find this alternative to be acceptable.

Visual Stimulation: 95%
Acting Talent: 85%
Fear Induced: TEN SKULLS!!

Irresistible (2006)

I missed the first half of this movie, but I think I got the general idea.

Louise from Thelma and Louise moves to Australia and marries Dr. Alan Grant and has 2 daughters who look and dress a LOT like the evil ghost twins from The Shining. The twins alone made the movie a lot scarier than it should have been. There's even a scene where they turn up DEAD (even though it's a dream). It was just one moment where I thought I was watching a completely different movie (which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, seeing how this movie is lame.)


Dr. Grant (who looks kind of like a dinosaur himself nowadays) is cheating on Louise with his hot secretary. Louise herself is a lousy artist who keeps hallucinating that she sees owls everywhere. She's somewhat obsessed with owls, as is Dr. Grant's secretary. She brings Louise a ceramic owl, which is a nice gesture. Except that the owl is filled with DEADLY BEES.

O RLY?

YA RLY.

NO WAI!

So now I'm watching the Wicker Man 2: Wicker Woman at my buddy's house, and the mood has shifted. Grabbing him by the front of his shirt I hiss "Killing me won't bring back your god damned honey," which I think confused his dad who was also trying to watch the movie. I started to get really paranoid, which was a reflection of what Louise goes through as she notices family photos, toys and other personal effects missing from her house, replaced with deadly bees. Even her cat gets stolen.


So she starts assuming her husband's secretary is coming in and stealing stuff...which is a good call, since she's wearing her stolen dress and giving her owls with bees in them. Then Louise starts stalking and breaking into the secretary's house until she gets a restraining order placed against her, which doesn't stop her. Is Louise crazy? Or is Susan Serandon, the actress who plays her, crazy for being in this movie? Who's looting her house and planting the owls everywhere? Did you know you can't spell secretary without...secret?


I don't want to ruin such a GREAT movie, but there's an insane plot twist in like the last minute of the movie that's somewhat creepy, if you can figure it out. This movie is like Psycho, Indecent Proposal, The Shining, Homeward Bound, Mad Max and Wicker Man all rolled into one. I give it extra points for AUUGHHH THE BEES MY EYES MY EYESSS

Casino Royale(2006)

"Three measures of Gordon's; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel."
When I first saw the new Bond, I was confused. Who was this old malicious looking wrinkly guy? Where did Pierce go? Well, whatever the backstory of that is, Daniel Craig proved to be a fairly competent 007. He clearly knows what he's doing, and even sported fighting skills that rival Jackie Chan. My only complaint is that his voice is a bit soft, and he sometimes mumbles. I wonder how that got past editing.
But I was suprised by how good the story was. It made sense and had depth, something satisfying to see after enduring the laughable content of Die Another Day. For most people, the highlight of Casino Royale was the showing of chase-scene parkour by Sebastien Foucan, the founder of urban free running. Even more impressive was the spectacle of new Bond keeping up with Foucan as they monkeyed around on the frames of construction cranes, making for an amazingly nimble and athletic James Bond.

Visual Stimulation: 75%
Logic and Sense: 85%