Monday, July 23, 2007

Cloverfield: The most thoughtful, provocative movie ever created

Just kidding, it's about a monster that eats New York.





Here's why your movie is stupid.

Japan already did it. In fact, they did it in about 80 percent of their films. And what do we think of Japan?



Right.

Second, you already tried this with American Godzilla, and it sucked. It was a soulless approximation of the outrageously and purposefully silly Japanese movies. It was full of useless, one-dimensional crap characters with no purpose other than to be stepped on. Sound familiar? It does if you just clicked on that Cloverfield preview. Rob, you're like my main dude.

Third, Speilburg already tried this (and did a pretty good job actually) with the newest War of the Worlds. I personally liked WotW because I love films where something horrible and otherworldly happens and cleans out formerly recognizable, everyday areas, turning them into post-apocalyptic landscapes (Post-Atomic movies, Zombie movies, Invasion movies, etc.). However, you have to have realistic characters that can properly deal with this carnage...the rattled, unstable survivors of 28 Days Later or the twisted mutants of Mad Max, for example. If you just have Rob and Rob's buddies who can't act worth shit, then you have something idiotic like Jason X.


Seriously, did they find these people in a Coca Cola commercial? And who's that guy screaming OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD at the end?



Oh. You.

Someone mentioned somewhere that Godzilla was a product of post-Hiroshima angst, which accounts for Japanese fetish for having their cities demolished. Now that New Yorkers have had their "Hiroshima"with 9/11 (being New Yorkers, they're self-centered and delusional enough to actually draw a comparison), they believe they also deserve their own Godzilla movie, which draws upon similar angst.


Whatever. If I go to see a movie about New York getting eaten, I'm going to make sure to turn the thinking part of my brain off beforehand. I don't give a crap about your "mysterious" marketing scheme of not actually telling us what this dumb movie will be exactly about, but I'm sure it's akin to hiding the monster in the American Godzilla movie in shadows and rain for the entire film...let us scrutinize it too closely, and we're going to notice it looks like half-baked crap.

3 comments:

SATSUXBALLZ said...

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdddd

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