Charlie Wilson's War (2007)

Political science attracts many people who desire power and influence, whether it be legal power or hierarchical power, the sheer magnitude of that power in American politics is demonstrated here.
Charlie Wilson's war is the 1980-1988 war against the Soviets in Afghanistan and involved a massive push to effectively yet subtly disable the communist invasion through American military aid. "These people are fighting our enemies for us", excused the fact that we armed the Mujahideen with advanced anti-vehicle weapons and CIA training. The result was an unprecedented Soviet defeat and an American strategic investment that paid off 20:1, all of which was because of the work of Senator Charlie Wilson.
"Can we just take a moment to reflect on all of the
ways that you are a douche bag?"
While this may sound like a documentary, it was actually more like a sitcom of all American values and snazzy lifestyles in Cold War. Tom Hanks also changed his usual simple/honest acting style to look more crafty and conniving, which was weird.

Rating: 75%
Pedaled to a poli-sci class and quoted by US history zealots near you.

Jack Grimes debates Barack Obama, late 2008

"Earth and water."

"What?"




"Would you make a commitment right here, if elected, to reduce pollution in our Earth and water? I don't think you would. Your party is a sham. I don't even know how you managed to defeat Ron Paul. Choose your words carefully, Fascist, they may be your last as a viable candidate."





*Grimes pulls out a Gladius*





"Madman...you are a madman!!"






"You come to this debate...You insult my platform. You threaten my party with Democratic slavery and defeat! Oh, I have chosen my words carefully, Mulatto. Perhaps you should have done the same!"




"This is fascism! This is madness!"

Debate ends in Fascist victory!!

The Departed (2007)

If there's a movie crossover that exemplifies the difference between East and West, it's The Departed and Infernal Affairs. The contrast is brunt and surprisingly obvious, with Hollywood sticking with the all American way of cinema, never taking heed of sleek HK styles and subtlety. Yet much of the story is identical , word for word.
For more than 50 years, the East has shamefully copied the West in the ways of movie making, but no longer. With the release of this movie, the West is now guilty of copying the East.
Smarter AND sexier. The woman that bridges the 2 rat's private lives was an MD/PHD, rather than an romance
novel author. She also put out more.
The common theme in these 2 films is the "spy vs spy" intelligence/counter-intelligence interplay. The plot is intimately complex, which may be confusing at first, but clears up as the story approaches the end. It confounded me for well over an hour because I couldn't tell the difference between Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Daemon (their facial expressions were nearly identical and I thought the differential facial hair was just a shaving quirk).

Other Major Differences:

• More violence (plus a torture bonus)
  
• Higher body count
  
• More fat people
  
• Projectile blood
  
• More drugs and sex
  
• Larger firearms
  
• More brutality
  
• No celebrating(unlike HK, buying birthday presents for undercover cops isn't koser in America)

Rating: 80%
You gotta see it, but then you don't anymore.

The Kingdom (2007)

The regal military discipline of the Saudis versus Jamie Foxx's B-Boy stance for 2 hours. Begin.
The Kingdom is the realm of Saudi Arabia, where "tradition and modernity are in violent collision" and the theme of yet another movie about the war on terror. We start with a confrontational Jamie Foxx arguing with Saudis for an hour, which is mostly him griping about American authority and the Saudis yelling at him every time he grazes some sort of Islamic blasphemy or threatening to wash his mouth with soap when he uses the word "fuck".
The black guy is committing another blasphemy.
The meat of the movie is a sectarian ambush during his investigation that leads to a massive shootout and chase scene, during which Foxx and company kill over 100 Arab gunmen. After a decent bloodbath, he executes a terrorist bighead and gets a pat on the back by the FBI. This movie also has a bit of an idealogical story that basically says: "Fuck with fundamentalism and there are no happy endings. Everyone goes home a loser."

Rating: 55%
Filler.

The Road To Failure: 2008 Presidential Candidates

Character: Mike "Jingo" Jingozian
Race: Jingozian
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Class: Libertarian
Level: 11

STR: 4 DEX: 5
CON: 7 INT: 12
WIS: 7 CHA: 8

Hit Points: 9/9
Armor Class: 11
Skills: Raise Militia (Level 1), Summon Spectral Bard (Can summon a Spectral Bard to play dramatic music over speeches for 200 seconds each day. Adds +1 CHA while bard is playing)
Class Abilities: Advanced Liberty (Immune to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd level Municipal Codes)
Racial Abilities: Chronoshift (For 180 seconds, go back in time to 1787 and bring back one core constitutional value),
Inventory: Reset Button Of America (Permanant Chronoshift to 1787. Note: requires 270 electoral votes in inventory), Tricorner Hat

Description: Mike "Jingo" Jingozian's motto is "Reset America", in order to abolish the vast expansion of government over the last hundred years. Instead of building a unique platform, Jingozian would instead just refer you to Thomas Jefferson, and who could argue with that? Jingozian constantly speaks rhetoric about totally eliminating the two party system, up to the point where it becomes ominous. On his website are these final words: "Remember, there WILL be a Revolution in this Country, but if we act NOW, we can make it a peaceful one." When the Jingozian storm troopers begin the Jingo-Crystalnacht, we can't say we wern't warned.


Character: "Average Joe" Schriner
Race: Average Joe
Alignment: Lawful Good
Class: Green
Level: 15

STR: 6 DEX: 5
CON: 12 INT: 13
WIS: 13 CHA: 16

Hit Points: 14/14
Armor Class: 9
Skills: Expert Logistics (+50% movement speed over land), Advanced Pathfinding (-30% reduction in movement penalty over rough terrain)
Class Abilities: Nature's Touch (Can convert 20 gallons of regular unleaded gasoline to carbon dioxide each day)
Racial Abilities: Average Joe Speech (Can charm low leveled creature once each day), Average Joe Appeal (Gains +3 CHA when wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt)
Inventory: Boots Of Travel, RV Of Swift Journey

Description: Schriner's image is of the Average Joe, and he never misses a chance to tell newspaper reporters that. His values are progressive, the biggest ones being reduction in military, renewable energy, and paying reprerations to Native Americans. As a big supporter of the environment, he claims to have driven over 80,000 miles all over the country in a mobile home making stump speeches, spreading his futile message, and burning a shitload of gas.




Character: Gene Amondson
Race: Geezer
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Class: Prohibitionist
Level: 17

STR: 5 DEX: 3
CON: 7 INT: 6
WIS: 8 CHA: 10

Hit Points: 11/11
Armor Class: 8
Skills: Watercolor, Piemaking, Preaching, Wood Carving
Class Abilities: Prohibitionist Aura (All creatures in an 800 yard radius receive -1 to morale)
Racial Abilities: Ramble (Casts confuse on all creatures in a 5m radius. Targeted creatures get -2 to saving throws)
Inventory: Hammer of Holy Might (Adds 2d4 damage to liqueur barrels), Studded Leather Armor

Description: Do not under any circumstances visit this guy's website, as it will reveal to you the innermost workings of a deranged, twisted mind. He is the Prohibitionist Party's presidential candidate for 2008, running on the sole core value of, yep, you guessed it - prohibition He claims to want to "Make America dryer than she's ever been", but then says on his pie making page, "The best pies are runny pies, like kisses, the good ones are never dry." So which is it, HYPOCRITE? In fact, his entire candidacy is nothing more than a veiled attempt to find a wife, because he's currently single. But future wives be warned, for he has painted a watercolor detailing his sadistic plans:





Character: Don J. Grundmann
Race: Conspiracy Theorist
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Class: Constitution
Level: 13

STR: 8 DEX: 16
CON: 9 INT: 12
WIS: 3 CHA: 9

Hit Points: 17/17
Armor Class: 6
Skills: Expert Lying
Class Abilities: Constitutional Might (If WIS is less than 5, can summon Thomas Jefferson to fight for party for 60 seconds)
Racial Abilities: Blame Other (For 30 seconds, all attacking creatures attack closest neutral player), Bioenergetics (Can provide bioelectrical energy to future robots when installed in energy pod)
Inventory: Red Truth Pill (-6 to WIS, -3 to INT), Tinfoil Hat +2

Description: This is not a joke, Grundmann's entire candidacy is based on The Matrix. In fact, he warns on his website that it contains spoilers to the movie, and to watch the movie before proceeding. It was nice of him to say this, but what he doesn't tell people is that his website are SPOILERS FOR REAL LIFE. For example, here are some spoilers (all TRUTH):

1. The assassination of Robert Kennedy was a CIA coverup
2. Paying taxes is ILLEGAL and enforced by PROPOGANDA
3. The Fed is an illegal institution and punishable by death
4. There is a GAY AGENDA which is trying to LEGALIZE MOLESTATION
5. The government has developed a vaccine to cure every known disease, but COVERS UP ITS EXISTENCE

All these Truth Pills and no spoiler warning? How could you do this, Grundmann?



Character: Jack Grimes
Race: Nazi
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Class: Fascist
Level: 12

STR: 14 DEX: 13
CON: 16 INT: 8
WIS: 5 CHA: 7

Hit Points: 20/20
Armor Class: 4
Skills: Raise Dead Level 1 (Only works near tombs of fallen party leaders)
Class Abilities: Fuhrer's Call (Summon Hitler to fight for the party. While Hitler is alive, all party members gain +4 STR, +4 CON, and +30 HP. If Hitler dies, all party members permanently lose 4 STR, 4 CON, 4 INT, and 2 WIS.)
Racial Abilities: Einsatzgruppen (When 3 or more Nazis are in the party, gain 2d8 damage to a race of choice)
Inventory: Zyklon B, Bronze Helm +1 (Socketed)

Description: Oh man, do I really wish this guy is a joke, but unfortunately he is not. Nor is that picture of Grimes a photoshop, that's how he poses on his website. Jack Grimes is the 2008 presidential candidate for the United Fascist Union, a party dedicated to "promote the economic theories and political ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein." Note that they do NOT support the policies of Adolf Hitler, because that would just be insane. The UFU wants to institute a military dictatorship over the world with Rome as the supreme ruling body (called Nova Roma), abolish paper money, and promote racial tolerance. No, you didn't read that last part incorrectly, the UFU clearly states, "We will also not accept those that hate minorities, practice discrimination or that would do violent, stupid things as members." You know the world of fascism is in a sorry state when their own party can't even publicly express feelings of genocide. This party also worships the satanic pentagram. Just thought I'd throw that into the mix.

Character: Jeff "Petro" Petkevicus
Race: Paladin
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Class: Independant
Level: 17

STR: 19 DEX: 10
CON: 17 INT: 2
WIS: 7 CHA: 15

Hit Points: 38/38
Armor Class: 0
Skills: Thorns (When player is under debate, attacking creature receives -2 INT), Spinning Pile Driver
Class Abilities: Cheap Gas (Once each day, can buy any amount of gas on credit regardless of credit history)
Racial Abilities: Prayer (For 300 seconds, gain +1 STR, +1 CON, -2 INT)
Inventory: Armor Of God (+3 STR, -2 INT), National Debt (29 Trillion)

Description: At the surface, this huge guy seems to be just another Jesus freak, but he's a Jesus freak with an interesting twist: CHEAP GAS. Did you notice how CHEAP GAS was in all caps? That's because Petro can't tell you enough about CHEAP GAS. Petro's plan is to cap the price of GAS at $30 a barrel and $1.25 a gallon at the pump. Wait, you say. How is this economically feasible? Well, in this well thought-out document, the president has executive power to make it happen. Why didn't anyone think of this before? Praise God! His plan for Iraq is about the same: WIN IT. Seriously, that's his plan.

I could go on and do this for so many more candidates, but the depression is kicking in right about now.

Why Smoketrap the Great doesn't post much anymore

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The Debt Management Seminar

Whenever I am on campus I grab a school newspaper. "The California Aggie" it's called. While flipping through the day's articles, I noticed that there was a Debt Management Seminar scheduled in Olson for that afternoon.
Now of course, I am in no way in debt. If I was, I probably wouldn't have time to post in this online blog. In fact, I don't even know what it's like to be in the red, but I was just curious as to why people become indebted and what these people do about it. So I went.
I walked in late. A guy was was showing powerpoint slides on a projector and talking about how credit cards work. I sat down near the back of the classroom and had a look around. To my right was a big cluster of black people. African Americans, I figured, had a social history of financial unsoundlyness. In front of me were some of those funny looking Asian guys, well dressed in fabby style, chunky faces, with hair sharper than a cactus. This was also not surprising to me. There were a few Asian women in the front of the room as well, though small in stature, they commanded a great interest in personal finance, as evinced by the amount of notes they were taking.

The talk really wasn't very interesting. It could be summarized in 2 sentences. "Stop spending so much money" and "Don't overuse your credit card". The presenter was a black fellow in a sharp suit who looked very much like OJ Simpson and identified himself as a "debt consulting agent". I could be much more racist but...that's enough of that.

The Sarah Conner Nagging

Hey, I've seen that face before!

This show is about the computers in the future sending back Terminators to kill blah blah blah blah, basically it's about Sarah Conner nagging her son every chance she gets. While this may at first seem to be a negative point, it's actually one of the few shows that I can really relate to.

Hidden among all the explosions, flying bullets, and robots throwing each other around, the producers have masterfully recreated the nagging mom. Here are just some of the few things Sarah Conner complains about:

1. John Conner getting a B- in Honors Militia class
2. John Conner not folding his tactical combat suit after taking it out from the dryer
3. John Conner didn't assemble futuristic rail gun until Sarah Conner had to tell him three times
4. John Conner, while driving in reverse and shooting at pursuing Terminator, drove 35 mph in a 25 mph zone
5. John Conner's ammo box still not organized according to caliber of bullet for fifth straight week

"John! How many times do I have to tell you to calibrate the magnetron before attaching the fusion barrel?!"

That said, this show is actually pretty good in capturing the feel and setting of the original two movies, except for the biggest flaw: no Arnold. Any Terminator fan knows that the entire idea of the Terminator revolved around Arnold being a badass, and his unique style of acting (none). This is where the producers failed, because all the Terminators are either rapists, assholes, or hot chicks. For the main Terminator, I think they were trying to go for "badass", but somehow wandered onto the set of Friends.

Asshole

Sex offender

There's plenty of action from these Terminators, but the real joy from seeing them comes from the chance that might kill Sarah Conner.

If this is the future, I welcome our new robot masters

In the end, this is an action packed story about robots from the future, world annihilation, sacrifice for a new generation, and John Conner wishing his mom would just shut up.

Hellboy (2004)

Who is this guy? As far as I can tell, he is a bright red colored hellspawn that has a habit of making brunt wisecracks. He was created by some Nazi occult shit and then lives in a basement for 50 years, after which he is used for ghostbusting. That's stupid. Why does a devilspawn need a wussy revolver? And why does he grind down his horns into 2 little circles on his forehead? What, is that supposed to be like his equivalent of shaving? He doesn't like people anyway, so why would he groom himself like that? Grow some horns, fucker.

At first introduction we see him curling barbells and smoking. Sound like someone you know of? HEY where did you learn that lifting technique. Who's copying who now?

Rating: 40%
Too unremarkable to care about.

I am Legend (2007)

"I will be at the South Street Seaport everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky."
You either liked watching this, or you thought it was a horrible zombie movie cliche. The premise is basically Smith hunting and gathering and trying not to get zerg rushed in the ruins of New York City for 2 hours. The whole idea, really, is a futuristic Noah's Arc story.

$6.63 for a gallon of gas?! FUCK!! Many fine details of everyday life in the post apocalyptic are scattered throughout this movie.
I'm tempted to compare I am Legend with his other scifi "based on a book" movies like I, Robot, but this story was a lot simpler, applicable to anyone, and therefore much more entertaining. Catchy soundtrack too.

The butterfly theme was very clever, and the dog, as it turns out, has become a fan favorite.
In any case, Will Smith is getting really good at playing characters that feel miserable to the point of silent tears. I'm placing a bet that his next character will be fairly similar.

Rating: 85%
One to think about in your free time.

Windtalkers (2002)

God, this was so stupid. Nicholas Cage's career must have hit rock bottom when he did this movie. Actually, his career still sucks, eg. National Treasure, Wild Hogs. The dialog was retarded; every time Nick Cage opened his mouth it made him look progressively dumber. He was supposed to act war weary, but he appeared more like comatose. Cage even attempted a few lines of Japanese, which made me laugh.

Cage thinking about how much his movies suck.
I fast forwarded through the character dev because it was shallow and boring. Battle scenes looked fake. FAKE! Kids who watch this will have to be informed that field artillery does not have pinpoint accuracy on every shot as the movie portrays and that Nicholas Cage did not actually kill all 30,000 Japanese troops by himself. There is not one thing redeeming about this movie.
Oh yeah, and there were some Native Americans fighting for equality in this movie. Would you believe that because of that, some tribals are calling this a "breakthrough film"? That's retarded. I think there was also a love story in there that got buried by bad acting.

Rating: 33%
Don't Bother.