John Rambo (Rambo? Rambo IV??) (2007)

FOURTH BLOOD.

I don't know what confusing title the producers of this thing decided to call it for general release, but the screener was called John Rambo, so that's what I'm calling it. What's more, it comes right after Rocky Balboa, another Stallone film giving the main character's full name as the title. What's even more, just like Rocky Balboa, it's a sequel based on a Stallone series that hasn't produced a film in at least 20 years. Consequently, the main character is really old and played by Sylvester Stallone and it's mostly everything you'd expect.

I yam acting.

Stallone is not that great of an actor, but apparently he's an AMAZING director. In this film he directs the lead actor (himself) perfectly, namely in that the main character doesn't say shit for the majority of the film. When "I yam the lawr!" is the best you can emote your lines, keeping quiet is a good strategy.

Join the Burmese Army!

If you watch this film and Hotel Rwanda back-to-back, you will never, ever want to visit a foreign country, not even Canada. Those fuckers are insane! In this movie the guilty party is Burma, and as gruesomely depicted their main exports are flaming burning body parts and rape-related industries. Instead of professional televised poker, they just throw out some land mines and tell the peasants to run over them and bet on who blows up first (or last, this is never really made clear.) They rape little boys, gang-rape the women, cut off peoples' limbs, use babies as skeet shooting targets for flamethrowers, and worst of all KIDNAP WHITE PEOPLE AND PUT THEM IN CAGES!!! Rambo doesn't put up with this shit. Whenever the white lady is about to get raped, he ends up killing at least 20 brown people. When an Asian woman is about to be raped by the entire Burmese army...eh, screw it. He's only one man, after all.

lol wut.

This movie is designed to drive you into a blood frenzy. First, they make the Burmese army look like insane, brutal, satanic monsters. Then they all get mowed down by a machine gun in one scene. Problem solved! God damn, catharsis feels good.

"Impressive!"

If the Burmese government ever gets a hold of this film, they're gonna be pissed. Fortunately, they're probably too busy molesting little boys and feeding tourists to the hogs to have a spare hour and a half to watch it, so no one's the wiser.