Apology Post :'(

This post is to apologize for all the stupid shit this blog has produced in the past three years.

Hopefully someone will read this and learn to finally...forgive.


>:(
(The First Post)

In 2006, I had just received Time's Person of the Year Award, and my inflated ego combined with continued verbal abuse from Balls convinced me that starting my own blog would be a decent idea. I had just left my high-paying but ridiculously stressful Government job, and was about to embark on some equally stressful training in order to eventually apply for a ridiculously stressful State government job, so I had some time to kill and a safe area to vent my frustrations.

This post was an experiment. I was embarrassed to even be writing a "blog," at the time and I thought even the word "blog" was retarded media slang like "______-Gate" and "Tot Mom," which it still is I suppose. I wanted the post to be a reflection of each of the ten million or so idiot blogs by emo teenage failures and tween girls that poison the internet. What I SHOULD have done was mock the pathetic secret blogs by Chinese people railing against their own government. I hope they kick down your doors with their jack boots shortly, you whiney, passive-aggressive pussies.


Asking Smoketrap to Blog with us.

This was a mistake. The guy can barely even tie his own shoes without choking on his own vomit. Even though his insights are usually unintentionally hilarious, they don't warrant him having his own credit in Friends of Lollerskates.



Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter

I should probably apologize for most of 2007, but this one was pretty bad in that it was way too wordy and didn't have enough pictures. This is probably why we lost all our fans.

I just Blogged Your Blog

This was a good idea, but I have to apologize for having to end it too soon. For one, I wanted the other Friends of Lollerskates to comment on each Blog for extra fun, but didn't offer enough incentives to do so. Also, I got found out by my first victim, who for some reason decided not to turn us in to the Blogger Fuhrers who run the site. Her blog is still a fucking lunatic asylum, though.



Hooray for Space Shuttle ATL

Too confusing, even I'm confused by this post.


Why Sunshine will Suck

This post is really hard to read. It's like the guy who wrote it had something to say but it got lost under an avalanche of run-on sentences and secret, nerdy fears of the sun exploding. In effect, a lot more like XKCD than it needed to be.

Posts where the Youtube Videos were Pulled

Shit. Not really my fault but what a waste.

How to Kill People.

Haha just kidding, I apologize for nothing about this post. Next one will be about burying people
in basements and crawlspaces.

Jericho: The first five Episodes.

Too much text for a waste of a show. Too much fallout fanboyism.




HILLARY IS RAPING YOUR MIND

I hated Obama during the primaries just because of his followers. These whiney, geeky bitches put down their Manga comics and their Battlestar Galactica DVD's for a few months in order to whine and blog furiously about Hillary, her imminent threat to America, and how she was ruining the only chance we'd ever have to elect Samuel L. Jackson for President.

Every time Hillary made some headway against Obama, a collective blubber could be heard across the internet from the Obama fanboys, and Hillary's psychic might grew a little bit stronger.


Giving bandwidth to ClustrMaps.

What a waste of goddamn time. I don't know what this thing is registering, but it sure as hell isn't readers. It's either googlebots or webspiders or something else, but it's kind of cool to see how not even the Nigerian scammers read our blog.


Johnny Racistskates

I only wish I hadn't been lazy enough to post more of these. Deep down, I guess I'm afraid that a Blogger admin (who's either Black or Filipino) will read this blog and hit the big DELETE button.


Berating the Marine Corps

I realize now that instead of constantly insulting this fine organization, I should laud it for taking dangerous psychotics off the streets and placing them in brutal desert warzones where they can be safely and honorably blown to pieces. It's a much better solution than letting these dangerous lunatics kill dozens of people and become inspirations to future lunatics.


and finally...

Meme abuse.

It's so hard to avoid keeping anything on the internet from being infected with 4chan AIDS, it's a miracle we were able to somehow pull out of the downward spiral of memes. Now Johnny Lollerskates is secure as being the most original blog on the planet, even if it means being the least viewed.

But fuck it.